No friends

[Aliceinwonder1]

I've had a lovely Christmas with my family (husband, 2 kids and we've also seen both sets of grandparents) however this period has really made me realise I do not have friends! I am seeing so many people have get togethers, meals, Christmas parties with friends and or course new year's eve parties and it's just become really apparent even if I wanted to throw a party I'd have no one to invite that would come. Feels pretty sad for a 35 year old woman.

I have my sil but she has a fairly big social life so I'd never be her chosen- more of an option if others say no to going to dinner or something. I have accepted I won't really have friends, I've had some I've considered so close in the past to then just be ghosted so I'd probably be wary now anyway but today I feel sad and a bit pathetic about it all.

I worry it's making me anxious around my kids friendships too as even in school I didn't really have good friends. I see so many people who still have same friends from school, high school and college but I didn't really have any from there.

Not really sure what there is to do, I've tried making new friends but I think most people are at a point they have their circle so I'm just an add on not a true friend which I understand. Just feeling a bit sad about it today.

You're probably right in part but even when I know I like someone and genuinely feel we could be good friends nothing happens. Maybe I haven't found my people yet but not sure on ways to do that.
I've tried clubs, work, mum's meet ups, initiating meet ups, doing childcare, playdates. It just falls flat

Well, then, think about finding a way of being less passive — an assertiveness course, acting lessons, public speaking, or something physical and adrenaline-y? Something to get you out of your comfort zone?

You just make yourself sound like a bit of a bystander in your own life. I mean, do you find yourself interesting? If I met you, what would I notice and be interested in about you? What do you notice in other people that makes you drawn to them as potential friends?

I distanced myself for a bit, not completely cutting off but just awareness of the changes as it was getting silly, I had tried to talk to her about it beforehand and she acknowledged it. After less contact we then spoke about it and all seemed ok, I tried to arrange a few meet ups, dinner, a walk bits like that and nothing back. She's a very social media person too so I know she was out with others etc so eventually I just stopped trying so much and low and behold I heard nothing.

No I don't think I'm interesting to be honest.

But what do you mean by ‘nothing happens’? Do you act? Suggest a coffee or something outside the context of the activity you met them at? Follow through and arrange it?

I met a lot of pleasant women at a charity choir gig I did before Christmas. One I particularly clicked with, exchanged numbers with and will arrange a drink or a coffee with after NY. It may not go anywhere in terms of turning into a friendship, obviously, but that’s ok. We have one significant interest in common, so it will be interesting at least.

Friendships take time and effort to cultivate, like relationships not everyone you meet will become a close friend and many start off as aquaintances.

The closest friends i have came from shared interests - my best friend i met through a hiking group, though we were occasional acquaitances until we discovered a shared love of the same band and went to a gig together, probably 2 years after we first met. Other close friends i met at the school gates, of all of those only 2 have endured. I met friends through playing sports, at work and from joining a book club where at first i didnt know anyone.

To build a circle i think you have to put yourself out of your comfort zone, sign up for things that scare you and be prepared to make the first move, and sometimes get rejected, as not everyone needs or has time for new friends - its not personal.

I used to wait to be invited but now i try to take the lead and suggest things. After a hike with a group i joined id say 'does anyone want to grab a coffee before we head home?' Sometimes no one does, ive learnt not to take it personally.

I also joined a womens circle locally - there are some characters in there and not all are my cup.if tea, but when i let go of judgement i have found some surprising connections.

It's not easy, it takes time and effort and a bit of rejection but it is possible.

Yes I do, sometimes we get something arranged but it's only ever been once then when I suggest meeting up it never gets organised even if I suggest dates and things.
I have one person who I see who is lovely, she does sometimes suggest meeting up too so it's not all one sided but I know she has a group of close friends and that's who she does holidays, new year, Christmas things, spas etc with.

So why not start with that? If you don’t think you’re interesting, why would you expect other people to be interested in befriending you? It sounds as if you’re giving off ‘Nothing to see here, total dullard, move along’ vibes while simultaneously hoping for friends. I’m sure you’re not a total dullard, @Aliceinwonder1, but you need to shift your mindset about yourself. If you’re not alive to your own possibilities, it’s a bit much to expect other people to be.

I think in your shoes, I’d start by scheduling in some activities you really enjoy that are not solo things — things you love enough thst if you were guaranteed in advance no fruendships woukd emerge from i5, yku woukd still, go home afterwards thinking ‘That was brilliant!’

OP, are you neurodivergent? It is very difficult for ND people in particular to make and maintain friendships.

I have put myself out there with running clubs, sports clubs, general mum meet ups but it doesn't develop and I think what I then see is groups formed from those things where I'm not included even though I'll try to chat to them and things and have mentioned it being nice to go out for dinner or something so just feels I'm not part of it for a reason.

I am the same have always struggled with friendships. This time of year makes it feel really lonely sometimes.

You say - No I don't think I'm interesting to be honest.
This is what you need to work on first. You are never going to attract people that are good for you if this is how you see yourself.

I have low self esteem, at times I'm unsure my husband particularly likes me and I'm sure he wishes I was better at things 😂
Last year I really put myself out there and joined sports teams but ended up feeling rubbish overall.
A big part will of course be me. I don't doubt that and I've even tried the changing personality to fit it but it's not me.
I guess I can't really see why anyone would bother with me when there's better options. I think there's a protective side of me too where I've never been the go to person, just an option so always had it that others are chosen over me so I just accept it now.

Not ND

Maybe just ask one of them for coffee?

How do you make yourself interesting though. I don't think I am as I don't have much in my life but all the things I see people doing are with other people. Not sure what else I can do but try to join in, make hobbies for myself and that.

I honestly did do all the bits you're meant to to try and develop relationships

Definitely the time of year that leaves me like this and 2024 I decided to do something and push myself into clubs to get out and I've realised it's 2 years later and I have less friends than before 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s not about making yourself interesting, it’s about liking and being comfortable with yourself.
Not caring so much about what other people think, turn it around to think what do these people offer me.

Keep joining everything. A friend is always starting new things and meets more and more friends. She’s joined a small weights gym had met friends there. Shame you didn’t make connections through kids that’s where we met our local group.

Some pubs have parties at new years, I’ve seen ones that say they get quite a few people go alone, maybe try that this year? Good luck I know how hard it is :(

I'll spend new years with my husband and kids so not alone, and going out is not his thing at all really

I could have written this post. I sadly did have a couple of close friends when my kids were baby group age but that’s come to an end due to some circumstances beyond my control.
I think my problem is I have such a busy life work and family wise, I also work with people full time over 12 hours a day so I’m really ‘all people’d out’ by the time I have free time. Yet I think feel sad I don’t have the close girl friends for spa weekends etc.

I'm 50 In 6 months and I actually love not having super close friendships that's not always been the case thou !!
I have a handful of people we do t meet regularly thou
I feel free without the baggage of constantly having to do stuff and make sure everyone is happy !
My hubbi and family mean the world to me and I am happiest when I'm with them !
Social media is all smoke and mirrors and alot u see is bullshit !
I don't do any except for Mumsnet and I don't have any fomo !
Don't worry as long as your happy 😁

Op its very hit and miss for me too. Im 50s. People super flaky too. I tried hobbies they were clicky. I have 3 solid friends so its small. Then the ghosters lol coffee went well then silence. It knocks your confidence though. I have few friends at school job and we meet. Is life busier maybe oh lets stay in touch. Then silence