No friends

[Aliceinwonder1]

I've had a lovely Christmas with my family (husband, 2 kids and we've also seen both sets of grandparents) however this period has really made me realise I do not have friends! I am seeing so many people have get togethers, meals, Christmas parties with friends and or course new year's eve parties and it's just become really apparent even if I wanted to throw a party I'd have no one to invite that would come. Feels pretty sad for a 35 year old woman.

I have my sil but she has a fairly big social life so I'd never be her chosen- more of an option if others say no to going to dinner or something. I have accepted I won't really have friends, I've had some I've considered so close in the past to then just be ghosted so I'd probably be wary now anyway but today I feel sad and a bit pathetic about it all.

I worry it's making me anxious around my kids friendships too as even in school I didn't really have good friends. I see so many people who still have same friends from school, high school and college but I didn't really have any from there.

Not really sure what there is to do, I've tried making new friends but I think most people are at a point they have their circle so I'm just an add on not a true friend which I understand. Just feeling a bit sad about it today.

Nothing beyond surface level, can chat at the school gates type thing.
Think Christmas and being home for nearly 3 weeks just makes it apparent I haven't seen anyone nor had offers but equally not sure I have anyone in my phone I could message to do something anyway.

I haven't said unpleasant. However yes I stop bothering to talk about myself when it's skipped over or literally turned back into something they're doing/done. Not sure how else I can take it other than they don't want to listen. My own parents are the same to the point they know nothing deeper than surface level about my life since when I try to talk to them they talk over me,. interrupt or just talk about something relevant but about them.

11 and 9, there were some play dates when young and I went to baby groups but nothing has stuck from them. They didn't go to a big nursery so there were no real friendships forged as all different ages.
School wise one of my daughters has a bigger friendship group and I know more of the mums there, enough to chat and one is the person I do see. Another I see at one of the kids clubs and we chat there.

That's what made me join a group.
I was so lonely,no one to ask for coffee.
I don't mind doing things alone but sometimes it's nice to have someone with you

I had close friends but moved away or they moved away and I always found it a challenge to meet new people.

Last year though I decided to be kinder to myself. I joined a new book club at the age of 40 and 10 months on I have 5 new wonderful women who I am forming lovely friendships with and once a month we all meet for brunch for some me time. Maybe you could do something similar where you are? I would highly recommend putting yourself out there. A lot of people are feeling just the same as you do. Good luck!

I think 30’s can be peak drought time for friends, it does pick up though.

Book club good or anything that gets you mixing. God its hard. My husband kept in touch with colleagues (years later). I meet his wife this month and put date in diary. I do agree with putting yourself out there. Its a long month if u do nothing..

I think it’s helpful to join something like a CrossFit gym or an art club. And just keep going every week.

There's some good advice on this thread OP so I'm not going to repeat it.

Just wanted to say that you never know where you're going to meet people that you click with. For example, I made a good friend by chance at the library (google Places of Welcome) and another when doing vote counting for local council elections.

Put together an 'elevator pitch' in your head. I know it sounds cringe! But collect 5 mins of positive stuff about yourself that you'd want people to know.

Lastly, don't think it's too late to make friends. Im late 40s and was determined to make new friends after covid. It's never too late.
Have a lovely NYE 💐

People-pleasing is an incredibly efficient way of not having any friends. You end up seething silently with resentment at people you don’t even like but turn yourself into a human servicer animal for nonetheless, because you’re afraid they’ll dislike you if you say no. Meanwhile you’re putting off the people who might value you because they see you bustling about like the hired help, making yourself invisible behind all the people-pleasing.

There are often posts like this on MN. I wish it was easier for MN to connect us. After all, we have MN in common! Would be nice to meet for a coffee.

@ghostmartin Yes very often, there are lots of us who would like a thread of a connection. I toyed with idea of linking thro WhatsApp just as an opportunity to say hello but not sure its a good idea.

Happy new year. You are not alone.

I agree with this.

I do have some friends, but fewer than when I was younger, and fewer than I'd like. Everyone seems so busy, and seems to have their own 'main' friends. I always feel at the periphery. I'd love one or two really solid female friendships.

Maybe start a thread for new friendship groups, if posters are willing to share their location.

People prefer confident upbeat and fun in a friend. Someone that adds to their life. Not quiet people pleasing “do anything for anyone” worthy types. This is what I have observed anyway.

But people-pleasing is pretty much the opposite of ‘worthy’! People-pleasing isn’t a matter of genuine kindness or helpfulness, it’s ’I do things for other people so they’ll like me’ and often resenting it when the expected ‘bargain’ of friendship in return for services isn’t followed through on.

But absolutely to the rest of your post. I mean, I don’t personally care whether you’re quiet or loud or conventionally ‘fun’, but yes, I will befriend someone who adds something to my life — doesn’t everyone?

Your are probably right but thats what saddens me as its like saying people prefer 6ft blondes with brown eyes so go and change. Genetics and shit life experiences have brought us to where we are and we would like to be confident, upbeat and fun people too 😕

I know it’s really unfair. It’s just what I have observed. I’ve seen posts on here of people bemoaning their lack of friends and explaining how kind they are etc whilst their bitchy sil is super popular. That’s why.