No friends

[Aliceinwonder1]

I've had a lovely Christmas with my family (husband, 2 kids and we've also seen both sets of grandparents) however this period has really made me realise I do not have friends! I am seeing so many people have get togethers, meals, Christmas parties with friends and or course new year's eve parties and it's just become really apparent even if I wanted to throw a party I'd have no one to invite that would come. Feels pretty sad for a 35 year old woman.

I have my sil but she has a fairly big social life so I'd never be her chosen- more of an option if others say no to going to dinner or something. I have accepted I won't really have friends, I've had some I've considered so close in the past to then just be ghosted so I'd probably be wary now anyway but today I feel sad and a bit pathetic about it all.

I worry it's making me anxious around my kids friendships too as even in school I didn't really have good friends. I see so many people who still have same friends from school, high school and college but I didn't really have any from there.

Not really sure what there is to do, I've tried making new friends but I think most people are at a point they have their circle so I'm just an add on not a true friend which I understand. Just feeling a bit sad about it today.

What kind of people are you attracted to, OP? And what do you bring to potential friendship?

If you’re want friendship there’s many many people out there looking for the same - this thread proves it

i joined about 5 different face book social groups local to my area this year. All have events and meet ups arranged by both the admins and the members, I went to a couple of events on 2 of the groups but they weren’t that good, but I persevered and went for a country walk with another group and that went so well, about 10 women, 4 men all really friendly and chatty

I now try to go to most events - which is usually one walk a week and a pub night, cinema, theatre, meal at least every other week, and am gradually making friends.

many if them are also members of the other social groups so when other events like bowling or long hikes come up I go with someone I already know and then get to meet even more friendly people.

the advantage of these groups is everyone is there to make more friends.

Does your dh have friends? Do you not have any couple friends?

I can relate.
i do have friends but never feel first choice as such, or I think I am very close to someone but then turns out they don't see me the same.

It’s hard. I’ve got similar set-up to you OP but one DC. Life is busy.

Like previous posters, I also had friends that didn’t last the distance. Generally one-sided just a listening ear for other’s people’s problems instead of it being reciprocated.

I have a sister that I’m close to and grateful for that. If it wasn’t for her, I would be extremely isolated.

Yes, it is. I’ve never shopped for pleasure in my life, and have zero interest in fashion or makeup. I’ve never struggled for female friends, and I’m still making new friends in my 50s after moving country a few years ago.

I think it’s a subset of a larger problem that often comes up on ‘no friends’ threads — treating other people as a generic, faceless mass who would be conveniently fitted into a ‘friend-shaped space’ and available for spa weekends and ‘girly trips’, not thinking about what type of people you actually like, and what you yourself would bring to a friendship.

I have an extensive trauma background and for this reason stable friendships and relationships were not possible for most of my life. But - and I know this is tired advice - in the last couple years I have made an effort with volunteering and groups, and it has really helped.

Also, do you have anxiety or confidence issues that prevent you from forming deeper connections? Think about anything beyond circumstances that may present a barrier.

Exactly this

Yes I do find I listen to lots of people talking about themselves but never get asked anything about my life.

I am an anxious person, definitely have confidence issues and worry about how I come across or if people do actually like me or are just being nice.

No we don't. My husband has a few but isn't really that bothered about friendships, he doesn't really go out but doesn't feel how I do.

You sound a bit passive, OP. If you want to talk about your life, talk about it — don’t hang about waiting for a formal invitation to have your say.

And lots of friendships aren’t lifelong, and some end in hurtful ways. It’s not a reason not to go and make others. It’s unlikely that your DH was the first and only person you ever went on a date with. Friendships aren’t dissimilar. Some will click, others won’t.

There’s part of your problem, then. You can do absolutely nothing about whether other people like you or not, and if you’re concentrating on how you’re being perceived, or planning what to say next, you’re often not actually fully engaged with the other person or people. And it shows, and can make you seem uninterested. Also start with ‘Do I like this person?’ rather than the other way round.

I made quite a few friends at school/uni/work in my hometown but I have relocated and most my friends have also moved away, including abroad. I still have about half a dozen but none are local, I am lucky if I see them once a year, and the rest I lost touch with.

Locally, I have a couple of colleagues whom I am friendly with but our social interactions outside of work is limited to the occasional coffee or gym session. Also am in a hockey club but I am not close enough to see them in off season. It is tough to make friends once you work FT and are no longer in education.

I have tried but the conversation always gets turned back to the other person so I don't bother as it's clear they don't want to listen. My own family is the same, I don't really have anyone to talk to in general. I am quite passive really, my husband is the more forceful out of us 2 so I guess it's just in my nature.

I get that about friendships I really do. It's just none of mine have lasted and you do start to take it personally 😂

Do you have the time and space in your life for friends, or is it more a FOMO feeling? I don't have friends and used to feel awful about it until I thought back to past friendships and realised I'm just not a group friendship person, I prefer one-on-one and I realised since I have a DH and three DC my friendship slots are simply full. Especially as I've also got family with a range of issues that take up my energy. As an introvert I don't have the social energy for more than that, in fact it's a bit much and I'm usually seeking out a quite spot to read or a walk by myself just to hear myself think. I'm aware the norm at least in the media is to also have a big group of 'girls' to go out with so I sometimes feel I'm missing out but really I would hate it and at times when I was part of a bigger group like at uni I found it draining. Perhaps your DH and DC just fulfill your social needs for now?

It's happened twice.
Once many years ago (like 10) but I honestly thought we were so tight. She was the same with me so wasn't one sided. Then she split with her husband (not a couple friend) started dating and just stopped contacting me or returning my messages then deleted me off social media. Was weird as out of the blue.

The second was more recent and was more of a I distanced myself as there was a weird high school friend thing going on which I didn't want to be a part of but ultimately we chatted things through, I thought all ok but she just never made any issue at all. To the point we did do a weekend thing away, and couple things to now I'd not even call her a friend more someone I once knew. Very weird but I do know the reason behind that but too silly to go into!

I don't want a really full social life but I would like a bit more. Evenings are free, weekends often we don't do a lot and it would be nice to have some people to meet up with even as a family.

That's great for you but not my experience.

The second was more recent and was more of a I distanced myself

so you ghosted her or vice versa?