No friends

[Aliceinwonder1]

I've had a lovely Christmas with my family (husband, 2 kids and we've also seen both sets of grandparents) however this period has really made me realise I do not have friends! I am seeing so many people have get togethers, meals, Christmas parties with friends and or course new year's eve parties and it's just become really apparent even if I wanted to throw a party I'd have no one to invite that would come. Feels pretty sad for a 35 year old woman.

I have my sil but she has a fairly big social life so I'd never be her chosen- more of an option if others say no to going to dinner or something. I have accepted I won't really have friends, I've had some I've considered so close in the past to then just be ghosted so I'd probably be wary now anyway but today I feel sad and a bit pathetic about it all.

I worry it's making me anxious around my kids friendships too as even in school I didn't really have good friends. I see so many people who still have same friends from school, high school and college but I didn't really have any from there.

Not really sure what there is to do, I've tried making new friends but I think most people are at a point they have their circle so I'm just an add on not a true friend which I understand. Just feeling a bit sad about it today.

Its a numbers game like dating I reckon out of 100 people maybe 5 are someone you could have a decent friendship with. If you are shy and don’t put yourself out and about then you just won’t find your 5 out of 100. When I retired I tried 4 different walking groups, bailed on one immediatley and the others I tried a few times. I gleaned one amazing friend plus our husbands really get on well and a couple of other friends though not like this one.

This exactly

OK, well, there’s the reason you struggle with friendships. If you think you’re not worth bothering with, why would you expect anyone else not to take you at your word? Sort out your self-esteem first.

You are not that unique, many people have no friends. I have a few longtime friends who I see twice a year, not exactly friends. One best friend that moved on over the years. I’ve made light friendships the years but none that stuck. I am lucky enough to have 3 sisters, it impacts my efforts to try and make new friends.
Join some clubs, the local park-run is fun.

Oh OP, I really feel your pain. I was like this too, especially after having my children - my old friendships changed/disappeared and, when I tried to make new 'mum frirnds' it felt like I just couldn't make the kind of connections that others make to take acquaintances to actual friendship. I'll never forget the shock and disappointment when I realised that it wasn't as simple and easy as going to a baby group and meeting a like-minded group of women with whom I'd forge lifelong deep friendships with. Same at the school gates when my DD started school. And I felt such fomo (and shame, actually) when I saw that the other mums seemed to be able to make friends with each other.

But then I met a woman at a kids party when I was about 37 and we clicked instantly - we both felt completely comfortable with each other straight away and I just knew at that moment that she was going to be a good friend. She's now my best friend. And I've since then met that elusive group of wonderful like-minded women who I'm fairly sure will be lifelong friends amongst the cohort of mums in my son's class. It turns out I just hadn't found my tribe - and that the other people I met along the way weren't my type of people (and I wasn't there's). I often think about this because I do find it both interesting and baffling - I think some people find others easily because the tribe that suits them is a broader field, while others (like me) have a smaller pool of people to click with.
Anyway, sorry for the long post but I just wanted to share my story in the hope it reassures you that your people are possibly around the corner - keep your eyes open to spot them!

There is a good app called MEET-UP it’s not dating it’s for meeting new people to go out with eg walks or dinner or meeting people that have similar interests

I think your situation is perfectly normal.

I am the same way. Didn't maintain childhood friendships into adulthood. Don't make or maintain friendships as an adult. Cannot ABIDE small talk, especially with school parents who I've been forced to interact with just because our children are the same age (except I did make a couple of close friends when my oldest was at primary school, but we drifted afterwards). I actually am an introvert and don't like a lot of socialising, but remember going through a couple of years when I felt just like you, not helped by the fact I also don't have much family. Then I got my late autism diagnosis and everything made sense (my daughter was diagnosed when she was 7, nine years ago, which triggered my assessments). Now I give myself grace and don't have these feelings of inadequacy anymore. I've acknowledged this is how I like to live. I joined a local friendship group and can join in if and when I want to.

My friendships fell apart after covid. I kept in contact with people during locations but no one wanted to meet once lockdown ended. Only so many times you can take rejection and you only want for a coffee.

I joined 2 groups,mostly women.
I just had to put myself out there.
Like you I was so bored with having no one to go out with.
Now there's loads to do and I can pick and choose when I go out.

Means you're not under huge amounts of pressure.
It's really great.

I have found groups such as book club, crafts, local social groups to be really good because you can be as engaged as you want.
The whole group can feel like your friend, and you can also make more in depth individual friendships if you want.

Right now I'm content going to the book club being polite and friendly, glass of wine, few chats and then no pressure until we meet the next fortnight.

Friendships take effort so they can often fizzle out when people prioritise or get into the thick of family life.

im not into “girly stuff” and have friends so its not that. And that’s a patronising to suggest that is the sum of female friendships.

do you have any cousins or close family you can start making an effort with? Or join a hobby group so its people you have a scared interest with

Take my advice OP - maybe feels irrelevant but once you are consciously/purposely proud and happy with yourself then you will be more magnetic.

I consider myself now friendless.
I know alot of people and have many acquaintances, but actual genuine friendship, none now.
In the past I have, but they have all ended or drifted off. To be honest I find it more peaceful now. My kids take up the majority of my time and my parents, work etc.

OP it sounds as though you have quite low confidence and are quite passive and possibly a bit of a people pleaser. I mean this with genuine kindness but could you be too much of a “giver”?

It’s counterintuitive because we are often told you need to be a listener to be a friend but I think to be a good friend you actually have to have a strong sense of self. Someone who is a good listener but only that and who doesn’t project much of themselves can be quite draining and burdensome to be around. Nobody loves a blowhard who is me me me all the time but being very passive and you you you is just as much of a downer.

The art of friendship is a balance between giving yourself to people enough to make them feel supported but actually being interesting enough for people to want to be around you.

I think often we can get very lost in family and work and lose our sense of who we are, which is really important for relationships. Have you ever had counselling to help figure out what motivates you?

Same here...realised this week whilst at the cinema...only person there ALONE....no one to go shopping with, grab a coffee, walk and chat, nothing. I totally understand and it's extremely lonely x

Agree with pp that you should keep going to things.

Did you enjoy the sport at the clubs that you went to? I feel it's best to focus on enjoying the club itself rather than on the potential friends.

Choirs can be social if singing is your thing?

A friend of mine is very social and has lots of friends but she is pretty thick skinned at the same time.

I do feel that friendships are more superficial the older I get.

I am a people pleaser and I think where I have such low confidence and self esteem I try and make people feel good so they like me.
My life in general isn't bad, I think I'm just feeling it these last few days as Christmas but also new years highlights I don't have friendships

What about friendships forged with parents at at your children’s schools.., anything?

Join a sports club - team sport. Does not matter if you’re crap. So, swimming club, baingyon, indoor bowls outdoor bowls table tennis running….
Join a book club, take a pottery class, a painting class, a sewing class.
at this age you make friends by a shared interest.

I’m lucky to have a handful of really close friends and despite being asked to meet up with others, I haven’t wanted to open up my friendship circle - I feel like I can’t find the time and don’t make the effort I probably should. I came on to say two of my close friends have the Instagram life, big girls nights out, weekends away, and honestly they barely like one another. It’s very surface level, dressed up as closeness, or bonds through partners that wouldn’t survive a split. Appreciate that’s not true for every big group but I would also say very little on social media is as it seems so try not to envy it. You’ve had some good advice on here, I hope you meet someone you click with x

People were weird after covid. Nobody went out. Had rock solid friends that drifted. Hard. I think a sport good. Friend in book club. Im trying get out more in 2026

Ghosting is awful no replies if you reach out. Dips your confidence at times.

I haven't said anyone is unpleasant. There's been 2 friends I thought I was incredibly close to which ended and I'm not 100% sure why really.
I say I'm a people pleaser because I've been told it quite a few times and I do put others before myself, my family included.
When I say no friends I guess I mean no true friends. I have people I say hi to at school runs, I have a couple where we go out together usually once a year (difficult to find a day all free) and I speak to people at kids events however nothing further tends to come from it. There is no one I feel I could call if something went wrong.