To leave friendless young adult alone for new year as parents

[cotswoldsblue]

Hi Mumsnet!

I’m working through some issues in therapy and I can’t quite decide if this bothers me or not/if they were being unreasonable.

I’m approaching 30 and am neurodiverse. Up until 23 or so I had one to zero friends as I was painfully shy- my one friend was often in France for the Christmas and new year period.

For the Christmas period my siblings and I would go to visit my parents in the country and my siblings would leave after a few days for their New Year plans. I had no parties etc as a teen so stayed with my parents. I have quite fond memories of this- we had champagne and smoked salmon starter and then cake and then watched the fireworks on TV etc.

We have a flat in the city (I lived with my parents until I was 22) and after the age of 17 or so they said they wanted a peaceful new year just the two of them doing the same thing and that I had to leave and go to the flat alone if I had no where else to go.

I remember being sad as it made me remember what I was missing out on not having any parties to go to, and I felt like I belonged being with my parents. I remember crying one year as I did the same thing alone. I do see they deserved a break and to live their own lives, but do we reckon that’s a mean thing to do to an AUDHD 20 year old? They may of course have been hoping I’d find my own things to do and that the independence would be the making of me. I never did at that age haha :)

So you think everyone who disagrees with you is a troll ? Parenting a child with a disability is exhausting. OP is thirty and still relying on her parents for company over the holidays. If she were more self aware she would realise that the heavy hints for her to leave are an indication that they have hosted enough over Christmas and would now appreciate some consideration for what they want to do at New Year. The fact that posters see this as wrong is baffling.

No. They hosted over Christmas. When do they get some consideration ?

This, although it’s still not clear if the ops is seeing her parents as saying “time to go to your own home like your siblings, been lovely having you” as the abandonment?

They sound selfish and a box obnoxious tbh.

OP is thirty and still relying on her parents for company over the holidays.

No she isn’t. She stated in a subsequent post that it was between the age of 17 and early twenties.

The Op was referring to a historical event, in her very early 20s.

Do you have any autistic young adults in your life? She is dependent on them because she doesn’t have anyone.

It can be very difficult for autistic people to build meaningful, adult relationships. And yes, it definitely can be problematic when considering the longer term, future support. I have friends who literally lay awake at night, worrying about who will care for their disabled adult child when they are no longer around.

Perhaps this was the OP’s parents (crack handed) way of enforcing ‘independence’ upon her.

OP has already said this type of New Year was ages 17-23 but she is now 30. Not only can some people not read, they post the incorrect thing three or four times. Not once has the OP said the parents still host.

I wouldn't do that to a child of mine, whatever their age or circumstances.

But on the other hand if my parents had been ready to see the back of me after a Christmas period of being at home I wouldn't be surprised. I was really quite complacent about the amount of hard work my Mum (especially) put into all the cooking and catering, running us to and from the trains, to local friends. I was also quite opinionated, rude about their own opinions etc.

I grew out of it (I think!) and my parents were charitable and patient, but I look back and cringe at some of my late teen / early 20s behaviour.

Between you and your siblings did your parents have a hard time?

Also, given the frequency of the heritable nature of much neurodivergence, do you think your parents have any traits or tendencies that affected their approach to things?

Isn't that description in your final paragraph overstating the case most dramatically?
She herself described a capable and adaptable person, despite a ND condition, whose extent/practical impact wasn’t mentioned as any more disabling than growing up is for a hell of a lot of young people.
The main problem identified was feeling isolated as a teenager, and liking to at least have the company of her parents.
That per se doesn’t constitute such great vulnerability as would compel any decent parent to drop all adult plans and stay there with her (though were it Christmas Eve rather than NYE I’d probably feel otherwise).

(I’m doing exactly what I’ve been advising against: chewing over her old hurts! Shall zip it)

It isn’t really an option when you have disabled dependants.

It is suboptimal, I agree.

What they could have done would be to scaffold community around her, over time. Engage in local charities and organisations who lend support and advice. Build her mental health, get her specialist support and intervention. Hey, perhaps this IS in fact what happened.

People don’t outgrow disabilities and neuro differences. Elements might improve, with maturity, but it can take far longer for ND people to ‘find their feet’ and it takes support and compassion - from both one’s own family and wider society.

Overdramatic, maybe. I found the previous posters mocking tone to be churlish and unkind. It got my back up.

The Op may be capable and adaptable now, but she is referring to a time when she sounded socially completely isolated, which would have been miserable for her.

But yes - time for us ALL to move on!

Op - I hope you can find some peace. It really does no good to a person to be ‘stuck’.

I’m off to help my we’ans make mocktails, so will bid you all a ‘happy new year’ 🥳

I just can't imagine sending my child away to spend new year alone, if they didn't want to go. That's just so, so cruel.

Funnily enough I do. Taking the piss out of ourselves and our lives - I wouldn't say each other - is our love language. Sometimes it's the only thing that helps. Being told you're vulnerable, badly treated and so on, doesn't.

I think OP has a sense of humour / the bigger picture too. But I take your point. Over and out and HNY to all.

I initially thought your parents were telling you to leave your own home for NYE, which I thought would BU. However, given that it sounds more like they hosted you with everyone else over Christmas and then just wanted some downtime over the holidays to themselves to relax, I don’t think they WBU.

They said they wanted a ‘peaceful’ NYE, and you mentioned that you wondered if they were trying to encourage your independence, and I do wonder if you have underestimated the toll it takes on a person to host everyone for Christmas, especially when some of the guests are ND DC (albeit teen/adult age).

My AuDHD DD went home today after a week of staying with me, and today is the first time I feel free to think, as I’ve been on high alert and putting my own needs on the back burner all week.

Even when I have other guests over who aren’t family and who don’t have additional needs, it’s still exhausting having guests for that long and it’s always nice to be able to send them on their way and put my feet up in a quiet house again once they’ve gone.

It’s no reflection on the individual guest - it’s just that hosting is tiring and always requires effort and putting someone else’s needs before your own. It sounds like your parents did put quite a lot of effort into making you feel comfortable and welcome when you were with them, as you have very fond memories of your time with them, and you would have been keen to do it more. I really think this is just an unfortunate misunderstanding because they made hosting look so effortless, when the reality of hosting is quite different.

Given that you didn’t live there and were just staying as a guest, I don’t think your parents were unreasonable for stating clearly that they wanted an empty house again by NYE.

But did they know your circumstance? They may have thought you felt sorry for them being just the two of them so stuck around for them?

If they did, then that’s terribly cruel. My heart goes out to you.

Yes, but surely you would do that by making suggestions to them of ways to meet people, and encouraging them to join in, or possibly some kind of counselling to help improve confidence ? I can see a situation where if DH and I were invited to a party and the DC wasn’t, then we may leave them at home, but not actually pushing them off somewhere else so we could be alone.

But whilst I don’t agree with your parents actions @cotswoldsblue, I’m not sure that keeping looking back and ruminating about this is helpful for you. I’m glad things are better for you now.

Me too. My AuDHD DD is 20 and tried to go out on NY once, I knew there was a risk so couldn’t drink at all - ended up driving to London at 3-4am to collect her as she was hysterical and roaming the streets. Overwhelmed.

We would never make NY plans that don’t include her, even if she opts to remain in her room and come and join us at 11.50pm for the TV fireworks. We have a couple of friends stay over occasionally and are planning to spend NY next year in London at a family flat once we’ve firmed up dogsitters, mainly as she will be there for Uni and it means we can do something more interesting next year. But we plan around making sure neither she nor our DS (also AuDHD but less disabled by it) are alone.

If I met OP’s parents I’d give them a piece of my mind, frankly.

It's not so much about drawing a line and moving on, though that needs to come eventually, as about reconsidering the memory and what you want to take from it going forward.

Maybe reframing it to detoxify the memory. We do not have enough information about OP's relationship with her parents to suggest refrain, but I'm thinking along the lines of the classic 'You see a friend across the road and you wave to them, but they do not respond. Why not?' Is the answer 'They ignored me because they didn't want to talk to me. I must have done something wrong.'? Or is it 'I guess they didn't notice me. Never mind.'? But I don't think that one's quite right. The OP's situation is not that she is taking responsibility for somebody else's behaviour, but trying to understand it through the fog of a set of distressing memories.

It is difficult to move on from a toxic memory. Closure helps.

But OP doesn’t live with them. She’s not a dependant.

She was when this happened 13 years ago.

My position is that the memory (‘toxic’? Jaysus) could be made a hundred times more painful if an inadequate therapist boiled the whole caboodle down to the surely wrong conclusion that OP’s parents never loved/wanted her.
Now that would be a toxic notion be have lodged in your brain by a professional opinion.

(I’d even say such a misguided conclusion would be statistically odds on, tbh, to judge by a lot of responses here, which found these parents guilty of extreme cruelty.)

I just think if she is functioning well, retrospection such as this isn’t necessarily a healthy way to proceed. If it ain’t broke…..

Ach, anyroad. Happy New Year, everyone. 🍾

This thread wasn't the place for her to do it though. OP has a right to start a thread for her own support without being told her problems and feelings aren't valid because she's not autistic enough. Even if the OP is struggling herself, coming on here to bash those who are late diagnosed/have fewer support needs can't be a thing.

So she’s negating all the focus care and attention, of funding through uni, until 22, possibly still now.. but because they asked for space in their own home, when she has a flat in London that they fund, to return to, they are the WORST! and abusive for not focusing on and centering a very late teen/adult in their personal social plans?

No. The poster I was responding to keeps banging on about how OP is nearly 30 and relying on her parents for a social life, they hosted Christmas, when do they get a break etc etc. The post is about what happened when she was 17-23. She has said she is in a different place now.

Plus - they kicked her out of her own house from age 17-21. Certainly the first 2 years she lived there full time. Most people live in student accommodation and don't fully leave home til they graduate.

I understand where you are coming from, it’s the feeling of rejection and not being wanted around. For those of us with Audhd, rejection is heightened ( RSD) it’s deeply painful.