Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave friendless young adult alone for new year as parents

227 replies

cotswoldsblue · 31/12/2025 00:35

Hi Mumsnet!

I’m working through some issues in therapy and I can’t quite decide if this bothers me or not/if they were being unreasonable.

I’m approaching 30 and am neurodiverse. Up until 23 or so I had one to zero friends as I was painfully shy- my one friend was often in France for the Christmas and new year period.

For the Christmas period my siblings and I would go to visit my parents in the country and my siblings would leave after a few days for their New Year plans. I had no parties etc as a teen so stayed with my parents. I have quite fond memories of this- we had champagne and smoked salmon starter and then cake and then watched the fireworks on TV etc.

We have a flat in the city (I lived with my parents until I was 22) and after the age of 17 or so they said they wanted a peaceful new year just the two of them doing the same thing and that I had to leave and go to the flat alone if I had no where else to go.

I remember being sad as it made me remember what I was missing out on not having any parties to go to, and I felt like I belonged being with my parents. I remember crying one year as I did the same thing alone. I do see they deserved a break and to live their own lives, but do we reckon that’s a mean thing to do to an AUDHD 20 year old? They may of course have been hoping I’d find my own things to do and that the independence would be the making of me. I never did at that age haha :)

OP posts:
RisingVamp · 31/12/2025 10:01

Millytante · 31/12/2025 01:13

I am not in a position to talk about neurodiversity but you don’t really say much about the impact your condition had/has on you apart from a not uncommon experience of isolation (common universally, NT and ND, that is) so one doesn’t really get a picture of you IYSWIM.

But I just wanted to say it’s my belief that we can hurt ourselves quite badly sometimes, by raking over past woes.
Not all woes, certainly, but some don’t really require our compulsive revisiting in order to reabsorb them, and just get on with living.
(I tend to cast a cold eye in a lot of therapists, whose bread and butter depend in our willingness to pick at healing scabs.)
What would you gain if everyone here were to affirm that yes, that was mean of your parents? It would cement an impression you’ve been nurturing, and turn it into a rock on your head.

Many of us, even out there in real life, endured parental cruelties intended to be of benefit. (Boarding school at a tender age, emotional absence, rejection of sexual orientation, or of personality ‘quirks’, being very common hurts, without mentioning far worse ones)

But if we are getting by tolerably well now, I think it’s a healthy idea to have compassion for our parents as a general rule, and concede that they were doing their best for us.
They may well have had their own challenges just as you do, and if you were suddenly told by a jury here that they never loved you, or they neglected you in a criminal way….that is not much use to your soul, is it?
Why seek to embrace darkness, in blame, and in resentment?

Still, every such discussion is always sealed by Philip Larkin, as we know.
“They fuck you up, your mum and dad/ They might not mean to, but they do.” 🤷🏼‍♀️

But so what, essentially. ‘Man hands on misery to man’….but it is up to ourselves to move on, annealed from that test, and not stand on the spot raking over the coals. (If it isn’t essential)

This is a thought-provoking post but I have a different perspective based on personal experience, especially of therapy. A good therapist should not just reopen old wounds and leave them raw and bleeding. The point of therapy is to facilitate healing and moving forward. The experience of the OP resonated with me as similar to some experiences with my family in my younger years. Unaddressed, such experiences can continue to impact us throughout our lives, forming unhelpful narratives about the self and potentially play out in our relationships with our own children. Yes, my own therapy helped validate my experiences but it didn’t stop there. It also helped me to make my peace with them, realise that I couldn’t change the past and was never going to get what I felt I needed from my family in some aspects. That, in turn, helped me to adopt a more compassionate perspective where I recognised that they were human, had probably done the best they could given their own upbringings and it helped heal our fractured relationship. At the same time, it enabled me to provide the compassion to myself that I felt had been lacking, optimise more supportive relationships in my life and be the parent to my children that I needed, which was healing in itself. If I hadn’t had the supportive space for the introspection needed to make those changes I don’t think I would be in such a positive place today. So, I wouldn’t necessarily conclude that if the OP is affirmed here that it will cement toxic resentment. It may well be something constructive that they can take to therapy to explore with a hopefully competent professional.

Tigger18 · 31/12/2025 10:02

I'm so glad you seem to have found your place. I have 2 ND kids and they would always be welcome with me whenever or whatever the occasion is. Your parents were very mean. It may have come from a place of love, they say have been trying some tough love to get you to build a friendship network but it seems harsh to me.

hmmnotreallysure · 31/12/2025 10:04

This makes me feel really sad op.
I have 2 dcs and I would never do this to them. DH and I would be happy to spend NYE with either of them under any circumstances.

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 31/12/2025 10:14

They were mean. People on here often seem to think that parents should give kids 'tough love' but also that kids owe elderly parents endless consideration and accommodation.

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 31/12/2025 10:18

Boolabus · 31/12/2025 09:48

It was cruel. Many posters have tried to suggest it may have been to push you to seek friends and be more independent but come on it's one night what did they think would happen. My eldest is autistic she has struggled socially but has tried so hard she is now 18 she lives at home in final year of school and will be with us tonight for new year and she can celebrate new year with us for as long as she wants. The thoughts of her on her own in a flat with a tiny bottle of prosecco breaks my heart. I have no idea why anyone would think this would be good for someone.

I’ve actually loved some new years I’ve spent alone with a tiny bottle of Prosecco haha :) Well for some of it anyway. Just then I was really self conscious about not being a normal teen and having parties or friends to go to.

Just to confirm the set up, I lived with my parents in the country until I was 18 and then went to uni for three years. After uni I moved into the flat that belonged to them and paid them bills (nominal rent) :) so about three years being sent ‘home’, two ‘away’

OP posts:
BlackCatDiscoClub · 31/12/2025 10:23

Fellow ND here. Yes I'd have felt very rejected by this. I'm sure your parents had reasons and if they were great parents otherwise I'd say (with the benefit of hindsight) that no one is perfect and we all have foibles. But that doesn't detract from how you would have felt about it then, and what impact that had on you.

TidyCyan · 31/12/2025 10:32

I think any years where this was your home i.e. you were "home" from uni or still living there - kicking you out was awful. If they didn't have the flat would they have sent you to a hotel or relative?

Not so sure about when you were older and going to the flat was you going "home" after Christmas. I think at that point they might just have wanted the house back to themselves. But then I hate NYE and never do anything.

localbutterfly · 31/12/2025 10:34

The years when they sent you away from home to the flat so they could have the house to themselves they were being awful, even without the ND factor and the fact that they knew you'd inevitably be alone. That was your home, too - and at 17 and 18 (still in secondary school) you likely had no choice about where you lived. If they had gone away - to the city flat or elsewhere - over New Year and not invited you, that might come across as a little bit mean but OK as long as they checked that you were comfortable staying alone. The years you went to visit them and they asked you to go back "home" right after Christmas - more understandable, especially as they knew you had a safe, comfortable place to go.

Ladybyrd · 31/12/2025 10:35

At the risk of being flamed, is it possible that one of your parents is ND too? we’ve established that this isn’t what most parents would do. Maybe they weren’t picking up on the cue that this was hurtful?

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/12/2025 10:36

They sound mean, and I’m sorry this happened to you op.

Jenpen31 · 31/12/2025 10:50

I am in the position tonight with one of my DC, late teen. I've been dreading it all Chritmas. It will be me and him. He is my priority. My other child similar age has good social skills and has always been popular, so has events to go to. So will just be me and him. I'm going to suggest we go for a late shopping trip and then a bite to eat to extend the night a bit. Sending love anyway.....its not something I could do.

beAsensible1 · 31/12/2025 10:52

Dagda · 31/12/2025 00:46

Could your parents have done this in a misguided attempt to get you to socialise on new years?

Were they unsupportive parents in other ways?

But yes it was the wrong thing to do. It must have been upsetting for you

I think so. They even sent her to and empty flat in the city maybe in hopes that she would invite some people over.

it was a misguided attempt to encourage you to spend some time out if the nest and more time with your peers.

Cailleachnamara · 31/12/2025 11:02

I think this was very heartless of your parents OP, especially when you were 17. I have an ASD adult daughter and I cannot imagine ever having done this to her. I'm glad to hear you are managing better now and wish you all the best for 2026.

Oh and when you'd parents are elderly and need your help I'd be remembering this and letting it shape my decisions.

JacknDiane · 31/12/2025 11:02

Your parents selfish and cruel @cotswoldsblue.

Im so sorry, you deserve better.

LittleMG · 31/12/2025 11:02

I can’t imagine doing this to my children and my own parents always made me welcome in their home. This was horrible behaviour from your family.

lazyarse123 · 31/12/2025 11:03

I'm so sorry that's a terrible thing to do.
My dd is 36 and single. She's had her own flat for 3 years. She does have 3 close friends but they all have partners now and 2 have children and i know she can feel quite lonely.
Occasionally she would spend NYE with some of them but now there's children they don't bother. I remembered on Sunday that she would probably be alone so asked if she wanted to come to us either NYE or day and she's coming on the day. Obviously she knows she's welcome any time and usually comes for tea once a week. It saddens me that she's lonely but she is very quiet and shy. New Year with your parents is not great but it's got to be better than being alone.

Ladybyrd · 31/12/2025 11:04

Cailleachnamara · 31/12/2025 11:02

I think this was very heartless of your parents OP, especially when you were 17. I have an ASD adult daughter and I cannot imagine ever having done this to her. I'm glad to hear you are managing better now and wish you all the best for 2026.

Oh and when you'd parents are elderly and need your help I'd be remembering this and letting it shape my decisions.

This last part. 100%.

waterrat · 31/12/2025 11:05

Im so sorry OP this is heartless and unkind of them - I wonder if they are ND? As it's such peculiar behaviour. Did they think they were 'encouraging' you to get a social life yourself?

My teen is autistic and I can absolutely imagine her wanting to spend things like NY with us for a long time! and I will welcome that!

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2025 11:05

Millytante · 31/12/2025 01:13

I am not in a position to talk about neurodiversity but you don’t really say much about the impact your condition had/has on you apart from a not uncommon experience of isolation (common universally, NT and ND, that is) so one doesn’t really get a picture of you IYSWIM.

But I just wanted to say it’s my belief that we can hurt ourselves quite badly sometimes, by raking over past woes.
Not all woes, certainly, but some don’t really require our compulsive revisiting in order to reabsorb them, and just get on with living.
(I tend to cast a cold eye in a lot of therapists, whose bread and butter depend in our willingness to pick at healing scabs.)
What would you gain if everyone here were to affirm that yes, that was mean of your parents? It would cement an impression you’ve been nurturing, and turn it into a rock on your head.

Many of us, even out there in real life, endured parental cruelties intended to be of benefit. (Boarding school at a tender age, emotional absence, rejection of sexual orientation, or of personality ‘quirks’, being very common hurts, without mentioning far worse ones)

But if we are getting by tolerably well now, I think it’s a healthy idea to have compassion for our parents as a general rule, and concede that they were doing their best for us.
They may well have had their own challenges just as you do, and if you were suddenly told by a jury here that they never loved you, or they neglected you in a criminal way….that is not much use to your soul, is it?
Why seek to embrace darkness, in blame, and in resentment?

Still, every such discussion is always sealed by Philip Larkin, as we know.
“They fuck you up, your mum and dad/ They might not mean to, but they do.” 🤷🏼‍♀️

But so what, essentially. ‘Man hands on misery to man’….but it is up to ourselves to move on, annealed from that test, and not stand on the spot raking over the coals. (If it isn’t essential)

What a wonderful post

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 31/12/2025 11:09

It's a bit hard at 17

But by 19 or 20 they may have felt they weren't doing you any favours by allowing you to sit by the fire and have smoked salmon and cake with your middle aged parents, rather than force you out to build your own life.

It is rather tough, but they may well be right.

If they were generally good parents I'd interpret it like that.

Rosscameasdoody · 31/12/2025 11:09

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 31/12/2025 10:14

They were mean. People on here often seem to think that parents should give kids 'tough love' but also that kids owe elderly parents endless consideration and accommodation.

If they are elderly it’s possible they have one eye on what OP is going to do when they are no longer around. This is a major concern for parents of children with disabilities across the board. And to be honest, if they have hosted as much as OP has indicated, are they not entitled to some time to themselves to unwind at new year. I think a bit of self awareness is what’s needed here - OP clearly has some insight from what she’s posted but I think people are being a bit unkind to the parents.

itsthetea · 31/12/2025 11:10

Wow there are people that have very fixed ideas about what life should look like

just because you are young doesn’t mean you have to go out and party with young people

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 31/12/2025 11:11

Millytante · 31/12/2025 01:13

I am not in a position to talk about neurodiversity but you don’t really say much about the impact your condition had/has on you apart from a not uncommon experience of isolation (common universally, NT and ND, that is) so one doesn’t really get a picture of you IYSWIM.

But I just wanted to say it’s my belief that we can hurt ourselves quite badly sometimes, by raking over past woes.
Not all woes, certainly, but some don’t really require our compulsive revisiting in order to reabsorb them, and just get on with living.
(I tend to cast a cold eye in a lot of therapists, whose bread and butter depend in our willingness to pick at healing scabs.)
What would you gain if everyone here were to affirm that yes, that was mean of your parents? It would cement an impression you’ve been nurturing, and turn it into a rock on your head.

Many of us, even out there in real life, endured parental cruelties intended to be of benefit. (Boarding school at a tender age, emotional absence, rejection of sexual orientation, or of personality ‘quirks’, being very common hurts, without mentioning far worse ones)

But if we are getting by tolerably well now, I think it’s a healthy idea to have compassion for our parents as a general rule, and concede that they were doing their best for us.
They may well have had their own challenges just as you do, and if you were suddenly told by a jury here that they never loved you, or they neglected you in a criminal way….that is not much use to your soul, is it?
Why seek to embrace darkness, in blame, and in resentment?

Still, every such discussion is always sealed by Philip Larkin, as we know.
“They fuck you up, your mum and dad/ They might not mean to, but they do.” 🤷🏼‍♀️

But so what, essentially. ‘Man hands on misery to man’….but it is up to ourselves to move on, annealed from that test, and not stand on the spot raking over the coals. (If it isn’t essential)

This is an incredibly wise post, OP I would really read and absorb this one.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 31/12/2025 11:13

itsthetea · 31/12/2025 11:10

Wow there are people that have very fixed ideas about what life should look like

just because you are young doesn’t mean you have to go out and party with young people

No, but it's the job of parents to launch their kids, and that may well be what the OP's parents were trying to do - not turn her into a party girl, but encourage her to find friends with whom she could have a nice new year's dinner.

Rosscameasdoody · 31/12/2025 11:13

itsthetea · 31/12/2025 11:10

Wow there are people that have very fixed ideas about what life should look like

just because you are young doesn’t mean you have to go out and party with young people

But by the same token, at 30 OP shouldn’t be reliant on her parents for company because she has no other plans. That must be a source of concern for them - what happens when they are no longer around ? And the fact that they are dropping heavy hints that they expect her to leave may be an indication that they just want some time to themselves to unwind after hosting for Christmas.