To leave friendless young adult alone for new year as parents

[cotswoldsblue]

Hi Mumsnet!

I’m working through some issues in therapy and I can’t quite decide if this bothers me or not/if they were being unreasonable.

I’m approaching 30 and am neurodiverse. Up until 23 or so I had one to zero friends as I was painfully shy- my one friend was often in France for the Christmas and new year period.

For the Christmas period my siblings and I would go to visit my parents in the country and my siblings would leave after a few days for their New Year plans. I had no parties etc as a teen so stayed with my parents. I have quite fond memories of this- we had champagne and smoked salmon starter and then cake and then watched the fireworks on TV etc.

We have a flat in the city (I lived with my parents until I was 22) and after the age of 17 or so they said they wanted a peaceful new year just the two of them doing the same thing and that I had to leave and go to the flat alone if I had no where else to go.

I remember being sad as it made me remember what I was missing out on not having any parties to go to, and I felt like I belonged being with my parents. I remember crying one year as I did the same thing alone. I do see they deserved a break and to live their own lives, but do we reckon that’s a mean thing to do to an AUDHD 20 year old? They may of course have been hoping I’d find my own things to do and that the independence would be the making of me. I never did at that age haha :)

To be honest, I think you might be overthinking this. At the time - were you diagnosed and were your parents aware of the diagnosis? Because it might be that, if they were not fully aware, they may have handled it differently if they were aware.

But regardless, I think it’s fine that parents want some alone time from time to time even if that falls on new years celebrations. If I’m being honest, it was probably so they have some time to be intimate ie in the bedroom as opposed to actively singling you out. There’s a reason why your other siblings, do their own thing too. They obviously either don’t feel welcome with the same parents or they don’t feel compelled to stay - given they simply don’t. So I don’t think your parents are treating you differently to your siblings in that sense.

Sorry, as someone with 2 ND kids in their late teens, although their struggles are not all going to be the same at all, they are definitely not insignificant and I feel that sometimes this is missed. Life is definitely not easy here - mental health suffers from the constant effort required to mask and fit in and I wish people had a better awareness of this. The OP masking does not make them change neurology and their challenges are often then vastly underestimated.
OP, YANBU, it was not the kindest thing to do. Maybe best to find some way to move on from it, as no good can come from dwelling on it, but as your parent, I wouldn't have left you with no company on NYE, no.

But they could mask, that’s the point. My son couldn’t if his life depended on it. It’s a very different prognosis.

if you genuinely can’t differentiate between masking and inability to understand. I’m sorry.

sorry

@Fibonacci2 you are derailing this thread by talking about how much worse you/your son's life is than the OP's. That's not fair. If you need support coping with your child with complex needs, start your own thread rather than belittling the problems of others.

I think they were probably hoping it would push you into doing something with friends. Obviously its hurt you but it was possibly done with good intentions? Many people traditionally do not think of NYE as a family time. They think of it as a party to spend with friends. I never spent NYE with my parents. It never occurred to me that I would.
I can see how it made you feel unwanted but they probably just thought it was the normal thing to do and that eventually you'd find friends and do your own NYE with them

Did you have a diagnosis at the time? I think if they weren’t thinking about things through an ND lens I can see how they might have felt you just needed a loving push out of the nest to help you find your own way.

I also wonder whether one or both of your parents is also ND and struggle to see the impact of their actions on others. This dynamic played out a lot in my DH’s richly neurodivergent family - kids who were less independent than other kids, raised by parents who were more rigid than other parents and needed lots of alone / quiet time and everything their own way. Lots to unpack for everyone involved.

Here’s to happier New Years’ Eves to come ❤️

I’m not ND, but that’d break me if my parents had said that to me. Sounds very heartless of them OP

Unsure why fibonacci is* derailing this thread. 🙄*

@cotswoldsblue it's a bit cold of your family, really. What are your typical interactions like?
I think it might be a good idea to start branching out socially, though. Maybe take action on that in the new year.

I'm torn tbh.

At 17 your parents should have prioritised your needs over their own. At 20 I'm less sure.

New Year isn't Christmas. It's a smaller celebration for many people, for lots of people it's a normal day. I don't think it carries the same weight of family expectations as Christmas.

I suppose I would say, by the time you were all adults, you can negotiate perhaps, but no, I don't think your parents were obligated to do things the way you wanted. I wonder if they had a different experience of the family gatherings than you did and found them harder?

I just can’t imagine ever doing that to one of my kids. We still have two adults at home as we live in an incredibly expensive city and it seems stupid to leave bedrooms empty while they pay rent elsewhere. It looked like NYE plans had fallen through for the eldest one earlier so our only response was to ask him if he wanted us to add him to our dinner booking. Kicking you out for New Year knowing you will be on your own is just horrible.

I'm so sorry. I wouldn't leave my child alone on New Year's Eve.

I agree it is awful.

But I also agree with others to make your peace now, and to think that maybe they did it for the best of reasons.

Interesting thread. I don't have an opinion on whether your parents were mean or not. Maybe they like to have sex to welcome the new year in and you were cramping their style by being there?! 😁 So as an adult maybe they wanted you out of the way.

Admittedly my own family are dysfunctional, but not one of them has ever enquired into my plans for NYE. I'm not a social butterfly so whenever I've been single I've spent NYE alone at home, it's happened plenty of times. I don't see my social life as my family's responsibility TBH. Perhaps they're all mean and I'm just used to it?

On New Year’s Eve?

This seems very cruel.

Fist off- at that point dis they know you weee neurodiverse?
thwy may have been trying to encourage independence
also if they are neurodiverse then after Christmas they will be shattered and needing down tine
Finally, a sibling probably ASSSURED. your parents they would invite you to their party 😜

I think it was ok for them to want some time as a couple. That’s important in any relationship. As others have mentioned, NYE is also a normal day for many people. I have mostly worked it every year and quite often just gone to bed.

I have never, and would never leave my dc alone for NY.

One year dd didn’t have plans, we went out for a family dinner in London and she didn’t want to come to our friends for drinks, so we went for an hour and then came back to spend the evening with her (she chatted to her boyfriend who was on holiday whilst we were out) I think it’s heartless.
Are they considerate at other times?

I agree with this. By 20, I think it’s ok for your parents to have wanted a bit of alone time. And to have wanted you to organise yourself. My dd is 17 and I couldn’t imagine doing this to her at 17. However, she is very dependent on me and others, eg couldn’t access state secondary education so switched to private, lots of adjustments at hee current school, whilst also thinking she is really independent. As a result, I am having to make a lot of changes and push her in a way she is heavily resistant to to ensure that she is ready for adult life, otherwise she’s going to come unstuck. I’m doing this with professional help. Your parents are very unlikely to have had this so perhaps they were doing their best even if their best was tough on you.

You have a point. Parents may feel they do their share for their grown up family at Christmas and want some couple/friends time New Year. It does depend on how your ND presented at the time and if you were diagnosed back then.

If your parents had invited you to a friend's place for NY celebrations would you have even wanted to go? Or would you have considered that even worse?

Neurodivergent, not neurodiverse.

Neurodiverse = group/population of people of varying neurotypes.

Neurodivergent = individual whose neurotype differs from the accepted norm.

Oh right - well I sincerely hope no 'child of yours' is autistic then 🙄

Because it is not always that simple or controllable. And you are woefully ignorant. My own Dad lived to be 86 and over his lifetime had 3 friends. And one of them was my Mum who he didn't meet until he was 32.

I think that's really sad and really mean. It would be one thing to have a direct conversation with you along the lines of "don't you have any parties to go to, you are young and shouldn't be sitting at home with us, why don't you try ......" but then if you were adamant that you did want to stay, it's quite mean to turn you away. Especially at 17/18 which is still very, very young. Maybe by the time you were in your 20s it's a bit more understandable but still mean.

And just realized you said that you lived at home until 22. So it was actually kicking you out of your own home, not just a case of leaving you without anyone to be with at New Year! Not cool.

Will the parents ever have permission to do things without the daughter? There has to come a point when they can stop babysitting a 20+year old