To leave friendless young adult alone for new year as parents

[cotswoldsblue]

Hi Mumsnet!

I’m working through some issues in therapy and I can’t quite decide if this bothers me or not/if they were being unreasonable.

I’m approaching 30 and am neurodiverse. Up until 23 or so I had one to zero friends as I was painfully shy- my one friend was often in France for the Christmas and new year period.

For the Christmas period my siblings and I would go to visit my parents in the country and my siblings would leave after a few days for their New Year plans. I had no parties etc as a teen so stayed with my parents. I have quite fond memories of this- we had champagne and smoked salmon starter and then cake and then watched the fireworks on TV etc.

We have a flat in the city (I lived with my parents until I was 22) and after the age of 17 or so they said they wanted a peaceful new year just the two of them doing the same thing and that I had to leave and go to the flat alone if I had no where else to go.

I remember being sad as it made me remember what I was missing out on not having any parties to go to, and I felt like I belonged being with my parents. I remember crying one year as I did the same thing alone. I do see they deserved a break and to live their own lives, but do we reckon that’s a mean thing to do to an AUDHD 20 year old? They may of course have been hoping I’d find my own things to do and that the independence would be the making of me. I never did at that age haha :)

But what about their likely ND? I’m not saying what they did was right. But chances are one of them, at least, is also ND. We’ve been hearing a lot over the last few years about how parents should be parenting ND. But we also know that it is exceptionally hard. And they will have had zero support themselves growing up. Other people have needs too. And no one is perfect. None of the ‘normal’ parenting go to’s apply for ND, and ten/twenty/thirty years ago there wouldn’t have been the help available for how best to help your child.

This sums it up for me.

Your parents sound very self centred. Even if it is some sort of ploy to make you socialise with other people (I don’t think it is) why wouldn’t they be just as delighted for you to spend New Year with them if that’s what you enjoy? I understand they like a quiet evening, but it’s not as if you’re getting plastered and dancing on the table.

On the face of it, pushing my child to stay in a place where I knew they would be unhappy and alone on NYE is not something I would do. I certainly don't agree with sending a 17 year old to be alone, if they would rather be at home. However, have you spoken to your parents or siblings about why they all thought you should spend NYE in the flat? Did your siblings never ask about your plans or suggest you join theirs? Did they know at the time that you were neurodiverse and what this meant for you, or did they just think you were shy and needed a push to become more independent and find friends?

I agree with @Millytante, who has written an excellent post. Considering a past action in order to learn something to help you move forward positively is one thing, but ruminating on it really does nothing helpful.

No matter matter what age they are if either of my children was alone and had no plans do Xmas or New year they would be welcome to spend it with us.

It’s really mean and I’d never do that to my child, he can stay with me as long as he likes (unless he became abusive or awful to live with for other reasons)

I have a 17 year old who doesn’t socialise and one that does a bit , they are coming out with us tonight as a family - there is no way I would not include the DC if they wanted to be included . Your parents were in the wrong

No, it doesn’t help. At all. Totally devoid of compassion and empathy for a poster who is clearly in a difficult situation and at the end of their tether. I agree this isn’t disability top trumps and that minimising others’ experience is unacceptable, but as I said upthread, sometimes it’s indicative of desperation and the need to vent, and therefore entirely understandable.

As an outreach worker I saw many parents who were obsessed with getting their children diagnosed when there was clearly no disability present. The reason ? Disability benefits, and what they saw as the ‘perks’ of being disabled as one parent so charmingly put it.

It’s no surprise to me that someone caring full time for a profoundly disabled child would hold something of a grudge when people are wasting precious resources while those with severe problems can’t access the help they desperately need. There is a growing crisis in SEN support - the system is massively over subscribed, and from experience, I for one, believe that more robust efforts to weed out disingenuous claims would go a long way towards easing that burden.

I'm wondering whether this is the pattern from your parents' own youth, OP. If as you suspect your mother might be autistic, and she spent NYE away from home once she's reached 18, she might see that as the right thing to happen.

My parents used to "host" NYE by saying it was all a lot of fuss about nothing and going to bed early. Even now, I find that a little hard to shake off and don't tend to make much of an occasion of it - though we do at least stay up and get the bubbly out.

My daughter is 21 and on the spectrum. Currently doing a masters and living at home but did degree in London away from home.

Tonight she's going to a friend's party but had she been here we'd have loved for her to have joined us. Whilst I can understand your parents thinking that forcing you to be on your own might be the incentive you need to make friends it's not something I would have wanted to do. Don't judge them too harshly but maybe have a frank chat with them about how you feel.

Whilst it definitely provides interesting and potentially useful pause for thought, it is very anti therapy and a bit dismissive of the OP’s experience and the impact on her. We don’t have the full picture of the OP’s life and familial relationships and the impact on her, nor do we know that her therapy is merely picking over old wounds. It certainly shouldn’t be.

I also find it a bit worrying that it plays down the complexity of feelings towards parents in the context of experiences such as boarding school and rejection of sexual orientation. Someone who spent night after night crying at the age of 8 at boarding school or who suffered abuse has every reason to have negative and complex feelings about their parents’ decision. Even if they were doing their best at the time. Recognising that and also grieving the lack of what they needed at the time are not mutually exclusive.

Some people may feel the best approach to their childhood issues is to keep moving forward without ever looking back. If that works for them, great. Others can really benefit from working through their experiences. I think maybe we should respect the OP’s decision to explore their memories and feelings around it a little more.

There is no way I would do what you describe to my own daughter. That you have ADHD must have made that hard for you, particularly as you have fond memories of previous New Years. You deserved better.

OP are you the person who travelled to see their parents for their birthday (at parents insistence) only for parents to spend the day catering to their golfing buddies instead?

I think one of the hardest things about being ND is that often one of more of your parents are too.

And that does mean some balancing of need is necessary.

Reading this post alongside the OP's previous one is quite illuminating - it's a similar pattern: the mum being quite drained from a social stretch and the OP wanting more while the mother wants a bit of space.

Everyone has needs, the OP's desire to be with her parents doesn't necessarily trump her parents needing some space at times.

It takes a lot of thought and care from all parties. My DH and I are both ND as are my mother and my FIL. It gets complicated. I need space from my mother at times when she wants to be close and we have to find ways to make that work

Selfish, heartless, cruel, terrible, unkind, self-centred - this is how people see your parents, OP. Does that description sound about right to you? The evidence for this is their desire to spend NYE as a couple. "Do we reckon that’s a mean thing to do to an AUDHD 20 year old?" you ask.

Well, as 'we' all know, things are rarely black & white. So in the interests of balance:

-Not many DC have the luxury of parents willing and able to support them through uni.
-Or whose parents buy a flat in which adult DC can live, without the need for a lodger, for 'a nominal rent'.
-Family Christmases are lovely, and parents enjoy hosting them out of love, but they're increasingly exhausting the older you get.
-NYE is just not that big a deal for many people. Parents might feel they don't need to cater for 30yr old DC when they've just done Xmas.
-Posters expressing their own, apparently limitless, love for DC is something of a competitive sport on MN.

Just a spot of perspective! Because they don't sound like terrible parents to me, just tired ones. Is there a reason you couldn't / don't want to spend NYE with a sibling instead?

I think this too.

I also think - but I think this is very counter Mumsnet, that parents of adult children have the right to set some boundaries and limits too on what they can offer. After hosting a family Christmas for several days, is it really so awful to want some time with just your spouse?

Adult children are often encouraged on here and I think reasonably to set boundaries and understand their social limits, but somehow their parents aren't allowed the same grace and need to be infinitely and always available to their children

Last two posts from @MixedFeelingsNoFeelingsand @Bimmeringare spot on. Parents are expected to give and give and give and never put a foot wrong atm. And loving the idea of the competitive limitless love of what other parents would allegedly not do - how many responding have parented an ND teenager?

my ND teenage dd has just had a birthday. I said something ‘wrong’ (debatable) and her whole day was ‘ruined’ . She paid no mind to the billions of things that I had organised that had gone perfectly.

I see this differently. I don't understand why its mean. I do understand why you're upset at being alone but thats no ones fault - life can just be like that sometimes.

I don't think anyone is obliged to spend new years with anyone else simply because they did before (except young children or spouses - unless you've arranged otherwise).

My immediate thought (and I don't wish to offend, so if this is impossible please ignore me) could they be swingers of some kind? And they had an adult only party or gathering planned for New Year?

Because it does seem very cruel, and if they were genuinely nice, it's hard to see how they would suddenly turn for no reason.

What the OP describes was hardly a party! She wasn't making them dance to Macrena or blasting out EDM as far as I can tell.

Yes OP, that was a horrible thing to do. My DC will be welcome to spend NYE, or any other holiday, with me whenever they want to.

This is so sad. My (NT) daughter had a lonely couple of years after a devastating break up. She moved back in with us and we spent all the holidays together. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. She’s now happily settled in a long term relationship and goes out of her way to include us in plans- you reap what you sow.

but come on it's one night

It wasn’t just one night though. OP was there every night. They probably wanted an evening to themselves.

As I said, we don’t know the parents’ perspective.

I haven’t read the whole thread, I confess.

As a parent of ND teens, I cannot imagine turfing them out on any occasion - but on NYE, knowing they have no other plans in the pipeline, is particularly cruel.

Autism, etc often runs in families. Do you think either/ both of your parents might also be ND, and therefore have a different ‘take’ to other parents?

Parents are weird (note the Pip Larkin reference above!). Mine too, at times. I’m sorry that happened to you.

You sound very brave and entirely sensible to be working through issues of your past with therapy. You life needn’t be defined by your past - you are still young.

Because those with special needs need extra support? Even if the OP didn’t have a formal diagnosis at the time - I’m sure they would have realised they needed more care than their other children.

Being a parent does not mean to ditch your kid when they rely on you, regardless of said offspring’s age.

Jesus wept!

What about the parents? Isn't it possible one or both of them have needs to be catered to. If the OP had no friends then when did the parents actually get time to themselves the other 364 days of they year?

Yes it's mean ,I do think they prob thought they where being cruel to be kind and it's backfired.