To leave friendless young adult alone for new year as parents

[cotswoldsblue]

Hi Mumsnet!

I’m working through some issues in therapy and I can’t quite decide if this bothers me or not/if they were being unreasonable.

I’m approaching 30 and am neurodiverse. Up until 23 or so I had one to zero friends as I was painfully shy- my one friend was often in France for the Christmas and new year period.

For the Christmas period my siblings and I would go to visit my parents in the country and my siblings would leave after a few days for their New Year plans. I had no parties etc as a teen so stayed with my parents. I have quite fond memories of this- we had champagne and smoked salmon starter and then cake and then watched the fireworks on TV etc.

We have a flat in the city (I lived with my parents until I was 22) and after the age of 17 or so they said they wanted a peaceful new year just the two of them doing the same thing and that I had to leave and go to the flat alone if I had no where else to go.

I remember being sad as it made me remember what I was missing out on not having any parties to go to, and I felt like I belonged being with my parents. I remember crying one year as I did the same thing alone. I do see they deserved a break and to live their own lives, but do we reckon that’s a mean thing to do to an AUDHD 20 year old? They may of course have been hoping I’d find my own things to do and that the independence would be the making of me. I never did at that age haha :)

You can’t just force out the ND.

I do think they were likely trying to force DD into becoming their idea of ‘normal’ but what they did was cruel, especially at her younger age.
Not every young person wants to get pissed in the clubs.

Going out/away for NYE is fine but kicking someone out of their home is not.

This seems very sad, especially at 17.

You haven't said much about the impact you'd on your parents though. Did they find you hard work and needed a break? I wonder whether they were imagining you cosid up watching tv and happy enough in your isolation.

I think I spent nearly every NYE alone too from about 13, both parents and siblings out and about.

It’s mean. Regardless of their intention. You can’t force independence on someone and certainly not by kicking someone out of the house who has no one else to be with.

Also, if my son still wanted to hang out with me at 20 and enjoyed a family event like NYE, I’d be pleased. If I was worried he hadn’t got any friends, I’d encourage him to make some. Suggest hobbies and classes. Set him up for invites, and enjoy his company while I could.

They were mean, OP.

When you and your siblings are at your parnets for Christmas, do you help with cooking and cleaning or do you settle down for a few days while your parents top up your glass and you eat all thier snacks? Do you ever chip in for the dinner and booze? If you don't contribute I can understand why they want you all out by the 28th.

Are they ND themselves? It's likely at least one of them is if you are. Could it be that they need a night of quiet celebration to decompress.

Leaving someone alone for New years isn't on the same level as leaving someone alone for Christmas. Lots of people don't do much or anything for new years. At 17 it probably was a little mean but if that's the worst thing they have ever done I think you need to get over it and accept they aren't up for hosting NYE.

I think they probably hoped that by leaving you, you’d make your own plans. But essentially yes, it’s mean if they sent you away. Did you ask them their reasoning?

I have been in this position as a parent to a young adult once - DS certainly had friends but for some reason didn’t sort out his NYE plans - friends were away or he didn’t fancy a party that others were going to. We went to local friends by ourselves, but we were back before midnight to see in the new year w DS. I think that was a fair compromise and DS was happy with that.

I think that was two years ago so he was 19. This year he’s had four invites(!) so it was just a random fallow year for him.

Had you been diagnosed as ND at this point? My understanding is also that you went to the family flat in the city for NYE while your parents were at the second home in the country - is that right?

Assuming you had not been diagnosed and went to the family flat, I think it sounds like an attempt by your parents to push you towards independence so no, I don't think in those circumstances they were cruel or unreasonable.

Having searched your username, I think it's great you're getting therapy. There's a lot to work through with your relationship with your parents.

I think your parents side of it all would be interesting to hear. Looking at your other thread as well, I think your mum is likely ND too and may well have found it really stifling being with you all the time. Perhaps NYE wasn't the right time to choose but I can definitely understand her need for some space.

I don't think we talk enough about the impact on parents of having adult children live with them for a long time and especially where they are also responsible for their adult children's social and emotional needs as was the case for you. Your other thread also brings out how emotionally focussed on your parents you still are

I think what I am trying to say is that it probably was a "mean thing to do" to use your words but also that they may just have been absolutely desperate for a bit of space and perhaps one to work through is how you might understand and make peace with that a bit

I would never leave a family member alone at a time like NY full stop if they needed company. It’s a traditional time of togetherness and celebration. Being left alone at such a time makes any sense of isolation and loneliness all the more stark. I know this from experience and they are some very painful memories, even today when I am married with children. If the parents had concerns about their child’s socialisation then there are other, gentler ways of promoting independence on an ongoing basis. 17 in particular, and early twenties, is still very young. Taking into account their neurodiversity, they would likely have needed an additional level of support at that age. Perhaps it was a misguided attempt to foster independence but I can completely understand why this would have been hurtful and cause the OP to question their behaviour years later. The thought of sitting drinking champagne, knowing that my young adult child was alone at NY is unthinkable to me.

Yes it was mean. But maybe they thought they were helping to push you out of your comfort zone. It's still horrible but done with a good intention, maybe? Or maybe they're just completely horrible. It's not something that I would ever to do my own dc.

It’s unclear if you lived with your parents and they sent you away for NYE? Either way, it feels harsh to tell you not to spend that one evening with them.

I’ve just spent time with a family member who has an ND early teen. They are future proofing the house because they know he may never live independently. I can’t imagine him being told to go elsewhere for a particular evening, although the family is extremely supportive and everyone is different.

I wouldn’t leave my DC alone as young adults no if they wanted to spend time with us . Regardless of neurodiversity. Your time on NYE with your parents sounds lovely and as a HSP I was closer to my parents than most but saying that when you are young it can be one of the best times to go out!

When they sent you to the flat did they provide food or any treats or anything? Or did you have to shop for that?

My children live with me full time, I have never been to a NYE party in the last 10ish years because I have always tried to do something with them instead, perhapes to make it feel more exciting. Now they are 18&14 I would go to a party but for anyone staying home (including the 18yr as not all 18yrs are out drinking on NYE) I would leave some party food and do a bit of catering so there was something nice for them. I'd be fine for them to have friends over too in there home. It sounds like there flat didn't have that feeling, instead felt quite lonely and isolated.

That’s really fucking mean, they could have been alone at any other time of the year but to leave you alone on a day/evening they knew you enjoyed spending with them is just cruel. I could never imagine doing that to my kids.

I hope the therapy helps ❤️

Neurodivergence, not neurodiversity. Apologies.

Your needs matter, OP, and so do your parents’ needs. They have cared for a child with additional needs for many years - a child that clearly they love and cherish - and that is going to have taken its toll.

It can be hard for adult children (NT and ND) to understand the sacrifices our parents made for us and everything they put aside or went without, to put our needs first.

It’s ok for your folks to have boundaries and to prioritise their own needs for New Year’s Eve.
And obviously it’s ok for you to have feelings about that decision. I hope you have a lovely restorative evening planned, alone or with others, whatever you’re doing. 💐

It was cruel. Many posters have tried to suggest it may have been to push you to seek friends and be more independent but come on it's one night what did they think would happen. My eldest is autistic she has struggled socially but has tried so hard she is now 18 she lives at home in final year of school and will be with us tonight for new year and she can celebrate new year with us for as long as she wants. The thoughts of her on her own in a flat with a tiny bottle of prosecco breaks my heart. I have no idea why anyone would think this would be good for someone.

Omg - did you miss where the OP said she was ND?

The great thing about emotional maturity is that you can recognise the hurt of your past but also see other people’s actions with compasssion.

This thread has surprised me about everyone supporting you, but also gently pointing out that you have a very focused view of the situation, and even it was “mean” it was not abusive or intentionally harmful but it is reasonable expectation for a 17 year old to find their own tribe.

Therapy is very good for helping you get the attention you were probably needing as a child and a way that you can grow past the intense loneliess you felt as a child.

Yes it is really cruel and shows that they don’t understand your neurodiversity at all

I think this is super naive.

What if OP never felt ready to be independent? Would you expect her parents to be her New Year's company until they died without any regard for what they actually wanted or needed?

Your post is rooted entirely in a reality where you fundamentally know that your son will be independent soon and that any blip or slightly delayed start would be something to accommodate, support and even enjoy. What if this isn't the case? What if the dependence could go on for decades?

Yes very very mean and Selfish. My son has ASD. There is no way his siblings or us as parents would leave him alone.

No offence, but they sound like miserable sods. Kids are for life, not just for Christmas! I can’t imagine not wanting mine around but I’m sure some troll will be along soon to put me in my place. People, including parents, can be incredibly selfish at times.

So mean, what a pair of arseholes.

That's sad that they sent you away. If they'd have asked for a few hours to themselves during the evening, but invited to you to toast the New Year, that would have been a kinder alternative. They probably meant well, but I can see why their actions would have made you feel rejected.

Hopefully you have something fun planned for this evening!

@Bargepole45i disagree. The post you cite was not naive at all. Even if op was showing no signs of wanting independence, there are ample opportunities in the year to encourage a more independent lifestyle than excluding the kid on NYE, a night when togetherness is already rammed down our throats at every angle. It was meant to be and selfish.