To leave friendless young adult alone for new year as parents

[cotswoldsblue]

Hi Mumsnet!

I’m working through some issues in therapy and I can’t quite decide if this bothers me or not/if they were being unreasonable.

I’m approaching 30 and am neurodiverse. Up until 23 or so I had one to zero friends as I was painfully shy- my one friend was often in France for the Christmas and new year period.

For the Christmas period my siblings and I would go to visit my parents in the country and my siblings would leave after a few days for their New Year plans. I had no parties etc as a teen so stayed with my parents. I have quite fond memories of this- we had champagne and smoked salmon starter and then cake and then watched the fireworks on TV etc.

We have a flat in the city (I lived with my parents until I was 22) and after the age of 17 or so they said they wanted a peaceful new year just the two of them doing the same thing and that I had to leave and go to the flat alone if I had no where else to go.

I remember being sad as it made me remember what I was missing out on not having any parties to go to, and I felt like I belonged being with my parents. I remember crying one year as I did the same thing alone. I do see they deserved a break and to live their own lives, but do we reckon that’s a mean thing to do to an AUDHD 20 year old? They may of course have been hoping I’d find my own things to do and that the independence would be the making of me. I never did at that age haha :)

Well they do probably have 363 days in a year where they can pick and choose how they enjoy their lives (excluding Christmas and NY)…..

Wtf is wrong with you?

Seriously get a fucking grip.

Is life some kind of competition? It is a spectrum and you have zero idea the difficulties these people have faced. You think it's a privilege to get to a late age undiagnosed, knowing something was wrong but believing it's because you are stupid and idiotic, never understanding why.

I'm not autistic (as far as I know I have some traits) but I am ND. Stupid to hate on other people with disabilities. You have zero idea of our lives so do not judge them!

I'm sorry you've been handed the shit stick, I really am. But don't hate on people who are just trying to survive in a world where it doesn't work for us. It's bad enough getting shit from NT people who have no clue what's it like to walk a mile in our shoes but judge us all anyway!

And I would like to add, due to gender bias and under diagnosing of women, the way we are conditioned as women on how to behave as we grow up, it becomes a form of masking so as not to rock the boat. It's bloody exhausting masking and I refuse to do it when I am not at work anymore.

The 20year old child has those same 363 days to organise their own life and give their parents time to have the life they chose too when they chose too

I agree with this
I dont think it was cruel at all, they were trying to help you launch.

At 17 this is difficult for me to understand. At 20 misguided but perhaps well intentioned. I'm glad that you are doing well now OP.

Do you have a job?

Are you dating?

Not everyone has new year plans.

You are 30 now and your parents won’t be around forever. You need to build your social group.

My child is autistic and I will be encouraging them to make their own social groups. It’s not healthy for you to be so insular.

You realise that the edited post is still visible ? I’m truly sorry for your sons’ disability but using the severity of his condition to minimise the experience of others is really not on. ND takes many forms, with many different effects, and each individual has their own journey and their own struggles. Can l gently suggest that rather than entering threads like this on MN purely to express your (entirely understandable) bitterness, you might be better seeking help from your GP or your local authority to access better support for yourself as a carer, in what are clearly very difficult circumstances.

I guess they were exhausted after hosting everyone for Xmas and wanted some couple downtime/sex.
It's still mean though.

Neurodiverse or not, leaving a person behind while you go celebrate IS cruel.
And I’d like to think that it was only your siblings and my siblings who did that, @cotswoldsblue
Because otherwise, the world is full of cruel people and I’d hate to think that.
In a world full of cruel older siblings, please be kind.
Happy New Year.

I really don’t think this is an appropriate response. The poster is clearly under pressure as a carer in what appear to be very difficult circumstances. Caring for someone with a profound disability is full on 24/7 and while it’s very unfair to be minimising the experience of others when compared to your own situation, the bitterness the poster is expressing is likely to be rooted in physical and mental exhaustion.

As an outreach worker I’ve seen parents left with little or no support when dealing with severe autism - to the point where those dealing with older children with behavioural problems/violent tendencies have had to designate panic rooms in their own homes and effectively barricade themselves in to avoid being assaulted.

This is potentially the situation this poster will face as her son gets older. Resources are thin on the ground and placements outside the home are difficult where there are disruptive behavioural issues, and often the sufferer will enter the criminal justice system as the behaviour escalates. There are no easy answers but my advice to the poster would be to use her GP or the local authority as a starting point to obtain an assessment of her needs as a carer, as it sounds as though she is at breaking point.

I don't think OP is blaming her siblings, she is blaming her parents. Personally I think blaming anybody for the fact that you haven't got plans as an adult for NYE is a bit childish and very self orientated. I know 17 isn't technically an adult but all the other years were years when OP was an adult.

Celebrating NYE isn't a basic need or essential. It's something that's nice to do but lots of people don't do it. OP was basically expecting her parents to replicate the NYEs of her childhood so that she would have something to do. Maybe they wanted to do something else and never actually enjoyed the arrangement in the first place but did it for OP? In this context is it really fair to expect anyone, parent or not, to keep doing something they don't enjoy forever more just so another adult gets to celebrate how they want. Keep in mind also that the parents never prevented OP from making alternative arrangements or celebrating with other people. OP is presenting her choices as binary, being with her parents doing what they have done in the past or being miserable and alone. In actual fact there was always a third way which happily OP seems to have found. Perhaps their approach ultimately encouraged her to find other people to celebrate with and if they hadn't done this she would still be expecting her parents to celebrate NY with her forever more?

But OP didn’t say they were going anywhere to celebrate, they wanted a quiet new year together - just the two of them. I don’t think that’s unreasonable - it sounds as though they’ve done more than their fair share of hosting. I think OP needs to be a little more self aware. Her parents are not going to be around for ever, and it’s concerning that OP is relying on them for company during the Christmas break, to the point where they have to suggest that she leaves, so they can have some privacy.

Both my boys are autistic and I can not imagine dumping either of them out the house. It’s an appalling thing to do especially bearing in mind autistic people are about 1/3 younger than their ages. Life is hard enough for them really - both of them can only cope with school based interactions, they rarely have friends to the house.

One of my children was mute until 6 couldn’t eat sleep or poo, was terrified of all noises, anything that beeped and has such severe separation anxiety that he was about 8 before I could leave the room he was in; we only stopped co-sleeping last year. he has improved dramatically because we have basically moved at his pace and have now managed to reign him in from a place of overconfident braying at people and he’s old enough to realise when his stimming gets too much for my other son who is also autistic in an entirely different way: he doesn’t speak at all, he has flat affect, is gentle and kind and really loves us but barely of ever speaks to us. Something switched in puberty and he’s completely mute, we worry about him endlessly. He has friends at school but at home he’s like a ghost. Scared of germs, can’t say proper nouns, rigid as hell, studying relentlessly and if I’m completely honest zero company.

And as a 17 year old literal child when she was kicked out of her own house and sent to a flat on her own? Even at 20 and older it was still her home which she had every right to be in. That was a horrible thing to do and I can't imagine doing that to my own child. I'm sure even now at 43 I would be welcome to spend new years eve with my parents if the alternative was being alone and I didn't want to be. Its not normal behaviour.

What’s wrong with her? She’s clearly exhausted!! Can you see that? What’s wrong with you!!

Dealing with autism is exhausting and @Fibonacci2 will have little support and understand if this thread is anything to go by.

I do think they should change the classification of autism. My sons’ diagnoses were Asperger’s which was what was written in the letters although I know that’s outdated. I’d say our challenges are very different and yes I don’t know why it’s all under one umbrella term.

May seem mean but doesn’t mean it’s unreasonable either. Maybe ask them their reasons?

I initially read it as you were an adult just visiting for Christmas, and I thought they were not being unreasonable as over a week us a very long time to have visitors for. However, once I realised you were only 17 when this started and you lived with them I think they were being unreasonable. I would imagine most 17 year olds are at home nye as going out would mean either fake IDs or friends with parents willing to let them have a late party for teenagers in the house, which lots wouldn't be. I certainly won't be expecting my now 16 yo to go out next year, although if she dors get an invitation great!

Even at early adulthood, not everyone socialise nye and most young people still live at home, at least in uni holidays. And most parents don't have 2 homes they can banish them to! So their expectations of always being just them for nye weren't the norm I don't think.

Fair enough if they were invited elsewhere by friends and you weren't for them to go I think, or to want a 'date night' at other times of year. But to send a 17 yo or even a 20yo off to a flat on her own on a significant day just for the sake of it does seem a bit cruel. Maybe they were trying to be cruel to be kind to get you to socialise though, but seems the wrong way to go about it, and quite risky in the case of a 17 yo girl who struggles with social skills!

However, if you dint feel they were cruel in other ways, maybe just remember no parents are perfect, and they may have thought they were doing the right thing or just been a bit thoughtless about how you would feel.

I can see that, it's definitely a poignant time of year for many, but don't think reminisces about those passed should trump being there for the people who are still with us.

Yikes - very mean spirited indeed.

This, at first I was horrified as read it as they were making you roam the streets alone, then re-read and it was just, “we have plans and are staying on here”
mn is full all the time of how difficult it can be when social plans are made for adults and someone brings a teen along.
did you want to join their celebrations or just be in the property?

So you lived with them but they kicked you out to their other home (the flat) or you lived elsewhere and they wouldn't let you come visit for new years?
Both sound mean to me, but especially if you weren't living independently generally. And especially at 17, maybe by 20 or so id understand trying to kick you out the nest a bit. But I still wouldn't do it. Honestly, the whole story just makes me feel sad and like you need a hug.
fWIW. I suspect I also have some level of ND, socially awkward/anxious and don't have real friends and struggle with feeling excluded and not wanted. So I totally sympathise.

Were they generally supporting of your ND, or the tough love kind of parents that thought they could discipline it out of you by telling you to 'just do' things?

She literally said fuck you to anyone else ND.

I think my response was entirely appropriate.

HTH

Did you read where she said fuck you to anyone diagnosed late before it was deleted?

I can have empathy for anyone but not when someone says fuck you because she is having a tough time.

It's not a competition!

Just because some people are diagnosed later in life, as she put it, doesn't mean that they don't have difficulties too!

Honestly, if you think that's okay then what is wrong with you as well?

Hi OP. What were the other 364 days like? Were you working? Had hobbies or studying? Wondering if possibly you were very home centric whilst living with your parents and they felt NYE was the only meaningful couple time they got ?

I do think (especially given the remark about the gift bottle of Prosecco) your parents were trying to nudge you towards arranging your own evening with friends and not kicking you out heartlessly. But it does sound a bit clumsy and I think they would have been kinder to encourage without suggesting you weren’t welcome.