Who was being unreasonable?

[ForIcyGreyCat]

This made Christmas a little awkward and I was wondering who you thought was being unreasonable.

My family went to my grandparents’ house for Christmas.

My brother (26) taught our 2 year old niece to say “stinky granny” to our grandmother. Everyone thought it was funny and lightened, including her parents, so it became kind of a running joke while we were there, and all went well until the last day when my dad heard her say it.

He went on a rant and basically said that respect nowadays was lost, and that back in his days, anyone who would have taught a toddler to disrespect an elder would have gotten a smack in the face (talking about my brother), and that it is the result of mothers spoiling their sons and turning their into brats (dig at my mother).

Everyone went silent from there and it was all very awkward.

Am I unreasonable to think there was no need to start anything and that my dad was massively overreacting?

Every adult involved but Granny is in the wrong.

Your brother is a twat who shouldn't be around children if he's going to intentionally teach them to call people names for laughs. Every adult who laughed along with it and encouraged the behavior wronged both the child and your grandmother. And your dad handled a reasonable complaint in an unacceptable way with a helping of misogyny.

Quite the family.

I think there’s a big, big generational divide on show here.

i think a lot of folk are taking the term “stinky” really literally. Where it’s a pretty common word in kids books. Toilet humour. My girl calls it me all the time 🤣

the uncle is trying to be a fun uncle with his Niece. And we have to assume that on the basis that most laughed along and the OP intimated yes this too.

the fact that most of the family went quiet when aggressive dad had his little outburst speaks volumes. His response was aggressive and mysoginstic. I wouldn’t even call it an overreaction.

In hindsight the young lad has taken the joke too far. But he’s only 26 himself. Has no kids and has likely overcompensated

he probably owes granny a quick sorry. But Christ, some of the allegations against him are ridiculous.

I can't believe that you are on here @ForIcyGreyCat asking who was being unreasonable. I'm with your Dad on this one. Maybe he was a bit OTT in what he said, but he was absolutely correct to call it out. Your poor Grandmother. How anyone could think that was funny beats me.

The poor woman. That is actually pretty horrible.

That was my thought

Your brother was really rude and out of order, OP. I am surprised none of the other adults stopped him/corrected your niece before your father arrived. It was dreadful of your father to use your brother's behaviour as a stick to beat your mother with, but the gist of his argument about that sort of remark being rude and your brother being swiftly told off in earlier generations is correct.

Everyone owes your grandmother a massive apology and your father should apologise to your mother (I assume that will never happen). Recognise the fact that toddlers frequently act out what they see around them, and if an adult laughs at something once, the toddler will continue to do it, expecting to always get the same result. You are teaching them the behaviour you want to see moving forwards. Do you think it's acceptable for your niece to continue to insult her grandmother, thinking it's funny? Or to think that being rude to other people will also make them laugh?

Ok. So be honest here... why did your brother target granny specifically for this? Is she the most outspoken, confident person in the room that everyone knows will speak up if she doesn't enjoy it? Or is she the peacemaker who will tolerate it to avoid an argument?

Why didn’t he teach toddler stinky grandad as well I wonder?

Your grandmother may have laughted it off, but I can't imagine that she would have enjoyed being the butt of your brother's joke.

Your dad sounds like an abusive arsehole. He threatened to smack his own son in the face for a stupid prank. What is his behaviour to your mum like? Does he bully and demean her regularly?

So if he’d taught the toddler to call you BIG FAT CAT!! FATTY CAT!!! and the rest of the family thought it totes hilar and all called you Fatty Catty all weekend, you’d be joining in the lols @ForIcyGreyCat ?

She is non confrontational and quite reserved, our niece is her great granddaughter so I think she has a particular soft spot for her

That is fair enough

'Only 26'? He's less than four years off 30 - just how long do people take to grow up these days?!

I'm sure he could have found a way to have fun with his niece in a way that wasn't disparaging of an older female relative - who was hosting, cooking and probably working hard to give everyone a good Christmas.

Yes the Dad was misogynystic... but so was the insult against the grandmother.
It wasn't stinky grandfather was it?

If you're fine with your kid calling you that daily then you do you, but it will be very confusing for her the first time she calls someone else it - and she will because younger kids don't understand nuance, they understand that saying certain words will get a reaction - good luck explaining why it's bloody rude.

Shocked, shocked I tell you that your brother picked the person he expected to meekly go along with this bullying while everyone else joined in.

The reality is that if he had genuinely thought he was engaging in banter that would happily go back and forth he wouldn't have picked the softest target in the room, he'd have chosen someone who would match that energy or confidently shut it down if they didn't appreciate it. He didn't. He was being a bully, he was using a child to do it, and everyone else including yourself happily joined in. None of you volunteered for a "silly" nickname yourselves or gave your brother one. And Granny laughed along regardless of how she felt, exactly as he and everyone else expected her to.

Your dad sounds like an arse himself but he had plenty of company.

So this makes it worse and why he targeted poor granny. She is less likely to turn around and stop the misbehaviour or to say something back.

To me I don't think it is the literal word stinky but the name calling in general which is disrespectful. I agree about him using the little one to gain cheap laughs.

Your brother should know better; he's 26, not 10.

This!

Saying your brother should have been smacked in the face and having a rant was the wrong way to handle it.
But teaching small children to say rude things like they are a parrot is stupid and inappropriate imo, and pretty pathetic if you all laughed and no one told him that's not really ok.
My ex SIL used to do it, it's really juvenile and inappropriate.

Why would he do that tho?

Your dad overreacted but something needed to be said.
How adults think it is ok to teach a child to call someone stinky is beyond me.
Wont be so funny when her parents are getting called into school as their previous daughter has been told to call others stinky then wonder why she is called a bully

Everyone is being unreasonable other than granny who was the target of shameful behaviour and niece who was being used as a pawn.

And it’s embarrassing that you can’t see that.

Your brother is a bully.

I don't think it's a good thing at all for your brother to teach a 2 year old to call his Grandma names. Your dad may have gone over the top but he was right to pull your brother up on it. He's 26 so a bit old for such childish behaviour.

Stinky granny, mummy, daddy. Lou Lou .... a great source of hilarity for my 3 year old granddaughter. Toddlers have a huge senses of toilet humour. I 5hink your dad as way over the top. Grannies are not usually frail delicate creatures who need someone to answer for them either.

Your dad needs to unclench.