Have I left it too late for another baby?

[Islandsaky]

I have 2 older children (12 year old twins) and have always felt that is my lot, never wanted anymore however recently the idea of having another one and doing the family/school thing again keeps coming into my mind and I am starting to wish I did it over aging in my mid 30s. I am now approaching 42.

I am divorced from eldest children's father and newish partner is mid 40s. Would having a child together make the family complete or am I being silly? Or would you say just enjoy the children you have, you dont need one together? I'm so confused, probably due to over thinking/pining. This has come from nowhere as I said, I had always thought I didn't want anymore.

I also feel guilty for my eldest 2 as their dad is no longer on the scene and I feel I should have made more of an effort to meet someone earlier and provide a family unit for them with a little sibling and father figure.
The guilt it hitting me really bad today. I feel I have let my kids down and also deprived myself of another chance.

What are your honest thoughts?

No more children 🥰❤️

Selfish

YABU to think acquiring a boyfriend (‘father figure’) and new baby would create a nice family set up for your existing children.

This is about what you want, not what would be best for them - and don’t try and convince yourself (or them) otherwise.

Does your new partner want children?

The twins have each other - I don't see why you think putting a baby into their lives in their teens would be somehow good for them. Think about the attention and support the twins will increasingly need as they move through the crucial exam years and then probably university. And think very hard about the massively increasing costs of these years.

You have no reason to feel guilty. Your 12 year olds have a family unit with you, plus partner.

A pregnancy would be high risk at your age, if you could conceive at all. It might be worth being content with your current children, especially since you say this is a new relationship.

Your children will be fine. A 13 year age gap means they may dote on a younger sibling but are unlikely to be close to them. Twins have each other. Also siblings aren't always a positive thing.

It may be the time of year. I'm quite confidently childfree, but Christmas is the one time of year I do think it would be quite nice to have a little one. Then January/back to school time rolls round and the feeling passes!

Perimenopause!! Kicking in the hormones.

The broodiness will pass, and you’ll be VERY relieved in a few years’ time that you’re not dealing with stepfamily dynamics, perimenopause, twins doing GCSEs, and a toddler all at once.

Broodiness is a form of insanity, daring you to lob a grenade into everyone’s lives.

Also at 42 chances are slim you’ll conceive easily and have a viable pregnancy. And take it from me that it is easier to grieve the decision not to try for more children than it is to grieve secondary infertility and multiple miscarriages.

There is no such thing as 'making your family complete' imo. That's just a way of justifying your desire to have another baby. Have one or don't have one, but be honest with yourself about your motives.

I have a sister that’s 12 years older than me. She left home for uni when I was 6 and moved out permanently when I was 9. She was not like a sibling, more like an aunt.

I also think 42 is too old to have a baby.

I’m 42 with a 3 year old. Adore DS but you couldn’t pay me to be pregnant or have a newborn/toddler again. I will do everything to keep DS connected to his cousins as he’ll be an only. Your twins have each other.

I had my children at 39yrs and 42yrs, both born beautiful, perfect and healthy.
You are certainly not too old.
Have another child if you and your partner want one, and both children are also happy. Don't listen to strangers online. It's your family and only the 4 of your opinions matter, the twins might be thrilled to have a baby sibling, lots would be.
There are 19yrs between DH and his DSiS, they love each other very much, and her son is actually the same age as our youngest so the cousins grow up together too.

I am 42 and I would rather flick my eyeballs out with cocktail sticks than have another baby🤷‍♀️
My kids are 19 and 15 now and the last few years have been hard.
My son did his GCSEs and got an apprenticeship, great, except it didn't work out through no fault of his own- massive drama about life ensues, we've had driving lessons/tests/new car (that was scary!).
My daughter is (supposedly) doing her GCSEs next year, no interest whatsoever, we had a very short period of school refusal, friendship drama, calls from school etc etc.
I wouldn't want to have another baby/small child needing my attention as well. It would have a nightmare especially throwing in full time work as well.
Your twins don't need a baby sibling, they are going to need as much help and support as you can provide over the next few years, not a mum focusing her attention on the new shiny baby.

Newish relationship and your 12 year olds father is off the scene. They don't need a father in a family unit. The new boyfriend is a father figure at a stretch but at 12, should not be the family unit father.

I think a baby would harm your family dynamic you have rather than unite it. What does the new boyfriend want?

Think about it, long for it, then think of the down sides and forget it. Just get the whole idea out of your system.

Would you be prepared to go right back to the beginning? Sleepless nights, potty training - days broken up with naps etc. what if it's another set of twin

For me, it's not the age, I had twins at 42 (our only children). It's the impact it will have on your older children. By the time the new one will be starting school - the older ones will in the middle of GCSE's and needing to be ferries about. It's a lot, a big pressure on a newish relationship.

Firstly, what does your partner think?
My experience was I had my first and only child at 42. I’d previously had an m/c, and we had a very scary experience late on in the pregnancy plus a lot of extra monitoring and treatments during. I consider we were lucky that all turned out fine in the end. After that we thought we were open to another - but when I fell unexpectedly pregnant at 46, and we were faced with the reality of that and the possible recriminations, we felt very differently. We made one of the hardest decisions we’ve ever had to, and decided to terminate.
At 12, your twins’ teenage years are just ahead, and my dd isn’t there yet but by all accounts that can be a challenging time.
You need to really consider whether you want to run the health (& m/c) risks to yourself and baby if you fall pregnant, then if you do carry to term, having a baby (who could have additional needs) who turns into a toddler, young child etc throughout your 40s and 50s, when you have 2 teenagers to deal with, and all the hard work and extra expense that new child brings (eg, 10 if not more years of school runs etc), and all when you have already done all that with your twins.

Yabu, it's selfish you've 12 year old twins who will be doing exams in a few years time and have a new man in your life to get used too without bringing in a new brother or sister into a complicated situation. It's not your age but your existing children and the effect a baby or babies would have on them and this new man.

Thanks for the honest opinions. To be honest I am surprised by the posts saying it is selfish as I thought I was being selfish not starting again. Especially as the twins have been asking for another sibling for a few years now which contributed to my guilt.

I am 42 and been having similar feelings (have a DP but he is not my DD8 and DD15 dad). I do believe it's our body's last scream to reproduce: we are in perimenopause even if we aren't aware or not getting all the symptoms. Those fluctuations in hormones drive these feelings.

Common sense has eclipsed broodiness for me. There are too many reasons it wouldn't be good: my daughters may struggle; the cost of equipment, time off work, childcare; the increased risks of being older parents; not wanting to go back to sleepless nights/ taking 6 bags and a buggy everywhere/ doing every single little thing for a tiny human/ no lie-ins/ difficulties finding babysitters and all this into our 50s. No thank you. I already noticed a marked difference between how I was impacted when oldest was born when I was 26 and youngest when I was 34. I think it could possibly kill me if it happened now.

The next stage of life is calling me. I am starting to look forward to retirement at 60, travelling, maybe grandchildren.

I think it would likely damage your relationship with your elder children and for me that wouldn’t be worth it.

also I had my second child at 38 and my husband was in his late forties - she’s now in primary school but we’re fucking knackered.

I knew before I even got to it that there was a new partner involved.

If you think that's a good enough reason to start over again with a 13/14 year possible age gap, then go for it.

But I'd strongly consider the reason why you didn't feel like this a few years after your twins were born.

12 yr olds don’t really understand the impact of a baby or toddler on their life. Personally I think you’re either kept up late with teens or woken early with young children- physically stressed from running after a little one or mentally stressed from handling teens. I wouldn’t opt for both at the same time tbh

If they asked for a double decker bus would you give them one of those too?

Personally I think you're just dreaming about what could have been with your newish partner, which is fine but it might be best to accept you've both missed the boat.

I say that because your 'list' of reasons is like reasons 101 not to have a baby.

To 'complete the family', 'because of guilt', 'because your 12 year olds want one'.

Nope.

What?