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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I left it too late for another baby?

102 replies

Islandsaky · 30/12/2025 15:10

I have 2 older children (12 year old twins) and have always felt that is my lot, never wanted anymore however recently the idea of having another one and doing the family/school thing again keeps coming into my mind and I am starting to wish I did it over aging in my mid 30s. I am now approaching 42.

I am divorced from eldest children's father and newish partner is mid 40s. Would having a child together make the family complete or am I being silly? Or would you say just enjoy the children you have, you dont need one together? I'm so confused, probably due to over thinking/pining. This has come from nowhere as I said, I had always thought I didn't want anymore.

I also feel guilty for my eldest 2 as their dad is no longer on the scene and I feel I should have made more of an effort to meet someone earlier and provide a family unit for them with a little sibling and father figure.
The guilt it hitting me really bad today. I feel I have let my kids down and also deprived myself of another chance.

What are your honest thoughts?

OP posts:
Trampoline · 30/12/2025 22:19

DaughterOfPearl · 30/12/2025 15:25

I am 42 and I would rather flick my eyeballs out with cocktail sticks than have another baby🤷‍♀️
My kids are 19 and 15 now and the last few years have been hard.
My son did his GCSEs and got an apprenticeship, great, except it didn't work out through no fault of his own- massive drama about life ensues, we've had driving lessons/tests/new car (that was scary!).
My daughter is (supposedly) doing her GCSEs next year, no interest whatsoever, we had a very short period of school refusal, friendship drama, calls from school etc etc.
I wouldn't want to have another baby/small child needing my attention as well. It would have a nightmare especially throwing in full time work as well.
Your twins don't need a baby sibling, they are going to need as much help and support as you can provide over the next few years, not a mum focusing her attention on the new shiny baby.

I agree with lots of this. Teenage years bring lots of unexpected twists and turns. I look back on the primary years and laugh at the small and (what I know now, by contrast) insignificant things I used to worry about.
Save your focus and energy for your twins, they'll need you!

Uoie · 30/12/2025 23:11

I'm 44 and I'd love to have another baby so no, I don't think you're too old. I had my last at 41 so also an older pregnancy, all was fine.

I toyed with the idea of having a fourth last year but ultimately we decided that we had been very lucky with having all healthy children this far and should any complications arise that would be devastating to our family as it was, given that our children are all still young. That's was as much a decision about having 4 as it was that we are 'older' parents. It wasn't an easy decision but I've made my peace with it in lots of ways.

If I was in your shoes I'd be tempted though, IF you are OK with the idea that there may be a statistically increased risk of additional needs complications - although that is far from guaranteed and a bit over-cautioned as it could happen with any child, but it's there.

TheAmusedQuail · 30/12/2025 23:15

If you got pregnant tonight, you'd be 61 when your baby was 18. Plus, don't forget. Your partner is even older. Older men create sperm much more likely to cause birth defects.

61, with a child doing A Levels.

Give yourself a shake. This is perimenopause hormones talking. Too late.

Uoie · 30/12/2025 23:16

AutumnAllTheWay · 30/12/2025 17:18

Op, mumsnet always falls on the no more children majority on threads like this, no matter what the circumstances.

You have no idea who is posting.

Yes, this is true. And there is always some kind of weird framing off it as selfish and the existing children won't possibly cope, like people haven't been bring siblings into the world in all variations since time began.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 30/12/2025 23:18

I wouldnt be happy with the sperm quality of a man of that age.

GusGloop · 30/12/2025 23:19

Your children have each other, so I think you need to take guilt over not giving them a sibling out of the equation. Plenty of people just have one sibling (and some have none and still have good lives.)

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 30/12/2025 23:34

I’m coming up 42 and would not like to have another baby now

Sometimeswinning · 30/12/2025 23:45

Islandsaky · 30/12/2025 16:46

Thanks for the honest opinions. To be honest I am surprised by the posts saying it is selfish as I thought I was being selfish not starting again. Especially as the twins have been asking for another sibling for a few years now which contributed to my guilt.

I mean the twins asking and you feeling guilty is really silly. Financial and emotional baggage which comes with pregnancy and a baby is beyond them.

However, I think any baby is a blessing so if you and your partner want a baby then perfect. Please don’t do it for your kids. That’s stupid beyond words.

notthatoldchestnut · 30/12/2025 23:48

I think at 42 you are now too old.
just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should.

you have 2 lovely healthy children - pregnancy at this age is tough. You have increased chances of a problematic pregnancy and higher chances of a child with a disability which would put additional strain on your family.
if you managed to conceive, and your baby was healthy, you would be 61 when you child left school. Do you really want to be that old out of choice?

ChattyCatty25 · 31/12/2025 00:15

Islandsaky · 30/12/2025 16:46

Thanks for the honest opinions. To be honest I am surprised by the posts saying it is selfish as I thought I was being selfish not starting again. Especially as the twins have been asking for another sibling for a few years now which contributed to my guilt.

Having a baby is not selfish at all. Mumsnet seems to think that women are evil for having children outside of their ideal: middle class, good career, home owning, 30-something, in a perfect long established marriage with no other children in the background. They also think having more than two children is evil.

I think you should try to have a child, you all seem to want one. It’s your last chance so leave it to fate. Does your partner have children?

StripedVase · 31/12/2025 00:24

It is a great deal to do with your partner's wishes and capabilities - more this than stage of life or existing kids imo. I am very pro having babies generally, and in a loving environment everyone would find a way - it could be wonderful for your existing kids. But on the other hand, I just spent a few days with a relative who persuaded her husband into having a second child he didn't want to have, and he slept and worked the whole time while she did all the parental caring and looked ravaged and miserable. The baby is wonderful and she loves it, but the decision wasn't mutual, it shows, and it's very, very hard on her at this stage.

Rizzz · 31/12/2025 00:27

ChattyCatty25 · 31/12/2025 00:15

Having a baby is not selfish at all. Mumsnet seems to think that women are evil for having children outside of their ideal: middle class, good career, home owning, 30-something, in a perfect long established marriage with no other children in the background. They also think having more than two children is evil.

I think you should try to have a child, you all seem to want one. It’s your last chance so leave it to fate. Does your partner have children?

Show quote history

Evil though?

Ellie1015 · 31/12/2025 00:51

If your partner is a good step dad, has no biological children and really wanted one then i might.

Definitely not because twins wanted a sibling, or to make family unit or any other guilt.

In a practical sense it would be easier not to go back to baby stage again. I cant see benefit personally.

Eenameenadeeka · 31/12/2025 01:20

I think you're really lucky to have twins as they have each other so it's not like one child with no siblings. Big age gaps can be lovely in some ways but it also has a lot of challenges, I'm not sure it would be worth it at your age but it's really something only you can decide.

Amiamiserablefuck · 31/12/2025 01:54

i say go for it. I’m 47 and remarried and wish so much we would have had a baby together… too old now though!

cannynotsay · 31/12/2025 02:21

Your baby would be on its own, as your teens go through GCSEs and stuff. This idea you’ve made up in your head as a complete family is kinda delusional. There will be such a huge disconnect. You want it for you not them. Take it as a teen who had younger siblings. They never grown up close. Not like you think. You have twins who have each other. Be happy with your lot

Ieightxmaz · 31/12/2025 03:16

I had my third baby when my first two were 14 and 12. It was the best choice I made. They love having a younger sibling and he idolises them. In a perfect world we’d have them closer and younger but life doesn’t work out that way for everyone. It’s more tiring third time round, it comes with health risks and struggles but only you know if this would be good for your family. FWIW I now have one in college, one soon to do GCSEs and a toddler in nursery. 3 drop off and pick ups in different directions, something to consider regarding timing.

Silverbirchleaf · 31/12/2025 03:19

Is newish partner wanting a child and pressurising you? Wait until this is more established before making a decesion.

Would you be happy raising this child alone? It’s a distinct possibility. Could you afford to bring this child and your older two up by yourself?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 31/12/2025 04:01

I don't think either option is selfish. I suspect 12 yr olds wanted to have had a sibling but that ship has sailed now. They don't actually want a 2 yr old dominating their home lives when they are 14 ill bet, they just like the fantasy of it.

If it was truly what you and new DP want then that's the right thing for you. I'm all for following your heart in these things. However if I was to give honest advice I would say better leave things be and enjoy the lovely family unit you have. Your world is opening up again and you could really enjoy the teenage years where you'll get lots of time with DP and a relaxed supportive home life for the twins. I also have 12 year old twins and feel life is so much easier now than it was and we have a new routine and dynamic that works well for us, a new baby would take away all that.

Iocanepowder · 31/12/2025 04:07

Your twins have asked for a sibling as they don’t understand what it’s actually like to live with a baby or toddler.

Your twins are at an important age where they will benefit from your full attention and support. Having another baby will take your attention away from them, will possibly have other impacts such as lack of sleep if the baby turns out to be a bad sleeper for example.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 31/12/2025 04:09

@liamharha do you mean you have 8 children in total or did I misinterpret?

junglejunglebear · 31/12/2025 04:54

It's perimenopause kicking in.

12yos saying they want a sibling is irrelevant, really, because they've got no idea what having a baby in the house really means. There's a similar gap between me and my sibling and I'd describe myself as an only child in reality. Of course I was excited when he arrived, but he became a demanding toddler when I was struggling with puberty, and I was ignored b/c he was the focus of attention and then I left home when he was v young. I haven't spoken to him in years now. Zero relationship.

And as others have said, you're assuming you can get pregnant at all.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 31/12/2025 05:29

They won't want a toddler when they are stressing over their GCSE's, studies etc.

You're hormones are kicking in as you're at the end of your fertility.

Having a baby because your teenage kids suggest they want it, is fucking insane.

In a few years, they will be adults and you will be free to do whatever your heart desires!! Just on a whim.

I can't imagine being 50, with a 7 year old. Fucking hell. No thanks

Iloveagoodnap · 31/12/2025 05:56

This is very likely to be your body/hormones shouting at you that you will soon be too old to have a baby so you’d better get on and do it - because it is in your DNA for your body to think that’s your role in life. Personally I wouldn’t listen to it. But if you wanted to listen to it then physically you probably could. But I don’t know about you but I feel much older in my 40s than I did my 30s. I fostered a baby recently, which was lovely, but I was so much more tired aged 43 than when I had had my birth daughter a few years before. Previous to that I had thought it would be nice to have another baby but now that the baby I fostered has moved on I am really appreciating having some time to myself and would absolutely hate starting all over again - particularly the toddler stage with the toilet training and tantrums!

liamharha · 31/12/2025 10:52

Dontlletmedownbruce · 31/12/2025 04:09

@liamharha do you mean you have 8 children in total or did I misinterpret?

Yes 8 children in total ,oldest 26 youngest 6 .