Have I left it too late for another baby?

[Islandsaky]

I have 2 older children (12 year old twins) and have always felt that is my lot, never wanted anymore however recently the idea of having another one and doing the family/school thing again keeps coming into my mind and I am starting to wish I did it over aging in my mid 30s. I am now approaching 42.

I am divorced from eldest children's father and newish partner is mid 40s. Would having a child together make the family complete or am I being silly? Or would you say just enjoy the children you have, you dont need one together? I'm so confused, probably due to over thinking/pining. This has come from nowhere as I said, I had always thought I didn't want anymore.

I also feel guilty for my eldest 2 as their dad is no longer on the scene and I feel I should have made more of an effort to meet someone earlier and provide a family unit for them with a little sibling and father figure.
The guilt it hitting me really bad today. I feel I have let my kids down and also deprived myself of another chance.

What are your honest thoughts?

Op, mumsnet always falls on the no more children majority on threads like this, no matter what the circumstances.

You have no idea who is posting.

I know someone who has children 21,19,17,15 and he has children 13,11 and they got together last year and have just had a baby. My only thought would be how stable is your relationship? A single parent with 3 children is harder than 2. In my friends case they aren’t married both of them left marriages for each other and he’s 52 and she is 42, both big earners and high up in careers but they all seem happy. Ex husbands and wives are both in new relationships and children seem to all get on.

What are your new partners thoughts on children? And how new is he?

If he says he wants kids is part of your new desire to have kids coming from a need to keep him; and a fear that if he doesnt have the opportunity to have children of his own he might go elsewhere?

In your shoes I would focus on the family you have.

You have Dc to support towards and through GCSEs etc. You can look forward to holidays that are adventurous / suit their needs rather than making compromises that suit everyone.

No need to feel any guilt about your years as a single parent, not at all! But at this stage there is a risk that they could feel edged out by a baby that has both its parents in the home, and living with a man who is not their parent but is parent to the baby.

Why on earth would 12 year old twins want a baby sibling? Sounds cute, but the reality would be less so. Don’t do it. Be glad with your lot - over time your hormones will die down!

Do you really want to start again? How do you think your partner will cope with the sleepless nights? It could bring you closer together or tear you apart.

Have you got family history of births after 40? Everyone's fertility is different but by 42 it's usually harder to get pregnant. If things don't happen naturally would you want to proceed to fertility treatment or would you be happy to give a time limit after which you'll stop?

What are the likely impacts on your twins? You'll have less time to give them, will there also be financial impacts on their lifestyle? There's a lot to consider.

Sometimes I want another one. But then I focus on how long it took it conceive our 1st and how unwell I was during pregnancy. I think I'm maybe in the early stages of perimenopause. My hormones feel all over the place. Plenty of my friends feel or have felt similar. Its like your bodys last ditch attempt at producing an offspring.

You aren't being unreasonable. BUT I would think long and hard, and think beyond yourself, before trying to get pregnant and having a newborn well past 40.

I am not judging older parents, I am coming at this from the perspective of someone who nearly died putting my body through "one more", and then had a life altering brain injury when she was 14 months old, so my daughter has only ever known being a carer to a disabled mum.

My oldest son's father also passed away last month aged 46.

The chances of something happening with your health either during the pregnancy or while they are young, is higher the older you are.

And if something did happen your twins would then end up having to parent the tot.

I had a 10 year age gap and was desperate to give my son a sibling, having been a lonely only child myself, but he couldn't have cared less and had no interest in a baby. It's not necessarily something people want when they are starting high school.

Also, having been through many rounds of IVF to have my daughter, I will say that conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to term in your 40's is against the odds. There is a lot of potential for heartbreak. If you start trying to conceive and fail, something you were initially on the fence about can absolutely consume you, like it did me. It can bankrupt people and destroy relationships.

The Janet Jacksons and J-Los popping them out at 50 are invariably using either frozen or donor eggs. They have also never worked a day in their lives and have an army of chefs, nannies etc. it's not real.

Additionally there are the cost and resource issues for your family, as your standard of living is likely to drop considerably. You start having to choose who can do a sport, who has to miss their school away trip. Holidays and lie ins disappear.

So if it were me, I would look into other options such as fostering perhaps, or getting a dog.

They already have each other.
I wouldn't recommend having another baby at this point.
You can start to enjoy life without children in a few years from now instead of being tied down for the next 20...

I don’t really understand why you are saying you feel guilty for not giving the twins a sibling? I would have thought twins was the dream, sibling wise and at that age I doubt they are that interested in having a baby sibling.

Why who do you think could be posting or what are you implying ? People ask for advice and people give their opinions.

Forget your twins - even if they loved having a baby sibling, it's not going to be a companion for them during their teens. More like someone they need to babysit occasionally. You decision-making should be focused only on what you and your partner want, without forgetting consideration of the impact it might have on your teens - they still have plenty of years left where they need parenting. And the parenting required in those years can be a lot more demanding and stressful than for younger children. Teens don't always do what you want them to do (ha ha) and the implications of that can be very challenging.

The likes of Sienna Miller and Anna Kournikova having babies in their mid-40s makes it look easy, but I suspect it’s pretty difficult to get pregnant in your 40s without help? Could you afford fertility treatment?

Also, how new is your newish partner?

Honestly a new baby with a newish partner would be hugely destabilizing for your 12 year old at a time when they are starting puberty which is a tricky enough time without throwing in a huge change. Be grateful for the family you have.

You don’t have another baby because your kids want one- especially not at 42 and in a new relationship.
Adding a baby to this dynamic would’ve careless and selfish. Enjoy your family as it is, it is already complete

Had my first at 17 and my last at 38 and 6 in between ask yourself for you really wan to go back to square one again , I'll happily accept being a grandparent for my babies fix going fwd ,my youngest is now 6 and I don't think I could do it again as much as I'd love too

Personally no, I wouldn't choose to have a baby now (I will be 40 this year). Your twins might have said this previously about wanting a younger sibling but would they like the reality of this? Being woken at night, having to help with the baby (as being older they would be able to help change nappies etc), then having a toddler taking their things (not sure if you have girls/boys or one of each but I can only imagine if you have a teen girl and the toddler steals their good make up!).
Also in terms of days out it will become harder. The twins will more likely want to do their own thing anyway, but if you try and do a family day out it becomes complicated as you would need to find something the twins would enjoy while also catering for the little one (so even if you went to a theme park it's likely you would all end up in separate parts of the theme park, so not really a fun family day out).
Also how is your home set up? Do the twins currently share a room and there is a spare room for another child? Or do they have separate rooms and would need to bunk up if you had a baby?

I also think you are potentially jumping the gun here. You state it's a newish relationship..do you even live together? What if you find your not that compatible living together? What if he is a clean freak and you aren't or vice versa. What if he moans about your older children and they don't get on? There are so many posts on here about step families and difficulties with being a step parent. How would you feel if rather than your dream world of new partner forming your perfect family he only had an interest in the new baby which is his, and completely snubbed the twins or made nasty remarks to them?

Also to add, people have said about your health and possible complications but what about the child having potential health issues. One of the mums of my daughters classmates had a baby in her 40's and they have a few health issues, meaning frequent hospital appointments and the baby is tube fed (which they had to learn how to do). This has impacted the other children in terms of parents not always being available due to hospital appointments (and needing to travel to a more specialist children's hospital rather than just the local hospital down the road).
If the child did have a severe medical issue/developmental concern this would have a significant impact on your household and potentially your own children's future if they felt they had to look after their sibling as an adult and once you/your partner were no longer around.

If you want one, try for one…I had a healthy baby at 41.5 and an easy pregnancy and recovery. I did a NIPT at 11 weeks because the risk is higher the older you are, but once this came back clear I enjoyed my pregnancy

Go for it if you both want to OP

I don’t honestly see the problem

She already has two children which is expensive.
She doesn't appear to be with her new bf very long which is a concern.
He could walk away after she has the baby and then what - single mum at 40+ with two other teenagers.

Also, at her age the risk of having a down syndrome baby is very high.
I opted out of having a second child at 40 for that reason alone.

Also as an only child longing for a brother or sister I did lay the guilt on my single father, who could do little about it but I dreamed he would marry a nice lady with children so I could have a sibling. I really did beg and plead. It was all I ever asked Santa for.

But I wasn't a twin and had moved on and started going out with my friends more by the time I got to 12, and it mattered less and less.

Also, it's a false assumption that a man will like or desire you more with a baby. I felt so broken when I lost my fertility due to being left with appendicitis for 3 weeks. I honestly thought my husband would be better off with someone else who could give him another baby.

But he really was ok with it, and only went wanking in all the IVF clinics for my sake, and I have since learned that many men actually prefer being with someone where pregnancy isn't a possibility.

In my friends case they aren’t married both of them left marriages for each other and he’s 52 and she is 42, both big earners and high up in careers but they all seem happy
I'm being really nosy now, but what high up career she's managed to achieve with a first child at 21 ans 3 more within 6 years. She must be super woman 🤪🤪

With kindness op, it’s too late. 🥰

In my opinion a blended family is not something I would want for my children and I wouldn’t imagine a new baby with a different father would be appealing my to two 12 year olds.