Have I left it too late for another baby?

[Islandsaky]

I have 2 older children (12 year old twins) and have always felt that is my lot, never wanted anymore however recently the idea of having another one and doing the family/school thing again keeps coming into my mind and I am starting to wish I did it over aging in my mid 30s. I am now approaching 42.

I am divorced from eldest children's father and newish partner is mid 40s. Would having a child together make the family complete or am I being silly? Or would you say just enjoy the children you have, you dont need one together? I'm so confused, probably due to over thinking/pining. This has come from nowhere as I said, I had always thought I didn't want anymore.

I also feel guilty for my eldest 2 as their dad is no longer on the scene and I feel I should have made more of an effort to meet someone earlier and provide a family unit for them with a little sibling and father figure.
The guilt it hitting me really bad today. I feel I have let my kids down and also deprived myself of another chance.

What are your honest thoughts?

@liamharha wow that's some achievement!!

I'm a only child so I think I must of felt lonely 🙈 .
I'm definitely not lonely now .

There's a 12 and 10 year age gap between my elder two and the youngest.
I wouldn't recommend. The youngest takes up a lot of time and attention and I don't feel I'm getting to enjoy the teen years with the older ones. Holidays usually have to be a divide and conquer with me or DH with older ones and other with the youngest as their needs and wants are so different. There isn't much enjoyable time as a full family unit, so i don't think another baby would 'complete' your family. It would more likely create a divide, even more so with your DH not being biological father of the older 2.

By 42 you should know full well having a baby with a "newish partner" is incredibly stupid.

I think go for it. I know a couple of young mums who had second babies later in life when in new relationships albeit when their children were young adults.

Is your relationship stable with the new man?

It really depends on his setup too, if he already has DC then don’t do it. Babies don’t make relationships, they break them, teenagers need as much support as toddlers just in different ways.

Does he have children?
If he has a child to add to the blend, then no.

I personally don’t understand why people have to celebrate a new relationship by having a baby together when there are other children involved.
Most are left single mothers with 2 sets of absent fathers.

Go for it

It's probably just your hormones talking. A lot of women get a sudden urge to have one more at around 39-43. For the majority that feeling goes away as sudden as it appeared and we shake our heads wondering what the hell we were thinking.

I wouldn't recommend having a teen in your 60s at all. I have gone through the teen years with my two in my min-40s, and those were two easy teens, and it's exhausting and super expensive.

Appreciate the two you have and make sure that they have as much stability and time as they require instead. It sounds like they have had some challenging times with their dad already.

If you had a baby, there's a high possibility that it would have needs due to both your age and your partner's. Not necessarily a chromosomal anomaly like Down's or Edwards' syndrome, but something like ASC, which is more common with older fathers.

I think this could adversely affect the life of your twins and your relationship with them, coming into their exam years.

Theres a chance everything would be fine of course, but it would be upsetting if you felt you had let them down even more with this decision.

Your twins won’t thank you for a preschooler during their GCSE years!

Seriously though… I had my second child 3 weeks before my 41st birthday (had my first 3 years earlier).

It was a relatively straightforward pregnancy and I’m pretty fit. She was a challenging baby, but a great child, and a great teen but… any thoughts of early retirement are right out of the window! You’ll be 60ish by the time a future child leaves school!

You have a family unit with your twins and partner! Don’t be sad about what you don’t have. Celebrate what you do have!!

It's not about the OP wants. It's about what's best for the child. Having a child at 42 is just selfish. You'll be mistaken for their Grandmother . . .

It depends. At 42 it may or may not happen. Consider:

• how are your older children with other kids and each other - how much attention do they like - I think some kids more easily accommodate a new baby.
• whats your older kids wellbeing like - are they doing ok at school, not being bullied or being bullies, no mental health issues that require extra support
• does your new partner really want a baby and is he he sort to do housework. If hes luke warm or unrealistic about it I wouldnt. Youll need him to do a lot here.
• hows your health? I remember just after my 2nd was born being exhausted - and Im fairly healthy
• whats finances like - is there enough money for 3?
• imagine your lives both with and without a 3rd - which life seems better?

Whats the issue with being 61 when your kids is doing a-levels? Do a-levels require athletics?

My mum at 61 could have easily supported a-level students. A lady in her 60s in our neighbourhood adopted young kids. I dont think theres a one size fits all.

This is really odd. I know a few mums who had kids in their 40s who arent mistaken for grandmas. And so what if they were.

Life has stages.

I mean, mix it up if you want. But generally, retirees don't have young children.

Because a child deserves to young parents. At 42, you'll be in your sixties when your child is just starting their life. It's unfair to put the burden of elderly parents on them when they should concentrating on their own life and career.

Having a baby is a selfish choice at any age but having a 3rd baby at 40 with a new boyfriend when you already have two children who are entering the challenging teenage years, you already have the experience of a broken relationship, your risk of having a disabled child is extremely high is just plain daft and anyone pushing this has their head firmly buried in the sand and is giving reckless advice without any consequence to themselves.

. It’s better than being in care, and no doubt their adoptive mum does her best and loves her children. But 60s with young children is far from ideal.

In general, I think a lot of people who support op having another baby in this specific situation are older parents who at projecting and trying to justify their own choices to have children at 40+.

I was 43 when I had last Dc - and in the OP's situation I have said I would not have another baby.

Not because of her age (which has posed no issues for me or my successful, independent mid-20s Dc) but because of her family structure and the impact on the 12 year olds.

This thread is the peak internet for me today. Are MN users so young that they imagine 60-year olds are like crumbling mummies? My DC are young and they think you start falling apart when you hit your twenties…

60+ is usually still working and having more than 20 years of life ahead if we consider an average life expectancy. I have several close friends with an age gap of 8 to 15 years between them and their siblings. They’ve probably weren’t close as children but are very close as adults. I also know a couple of people with 2-3 years age gaps who are NC with their siblings. Healthy family dynamics is more important than the age gap to build lasting relationships with the siblings.

My only question would be how stable is your relationship and if your partner wants children too. You mentioned a newish partner, so it doesn’t sound like a good setup for another child.

Give it two years and your teenage twins will hate the idea of a baby or toddler in the house. They will push you away but deep down need to know you are there for them. It's such a tough age and being distracted with a toddler is a very bad idea.

I see why you think selfish is a strong word but it's more misguided. Another child now is not going to enhance their life.

My DIL is pregnant with a newish partner, after she broke up with my son. My grandchildren are 12 and 14 and over the moon about it. I am really happy for them all. She's 39. I don't think 42 is too old to have a baby, there are women ten years older than that having babies. It's your decision though, and of course your partners.

I agree with the PP who said about this being an urge to lob a grenade 😂. Perfectly put. OP, I think you should resist.

I don't know whether this helps or not OP but pretty much all of my friendship group, including myself had a sudden onset of broodiness in our early 40s. Personally I think it's hormones, your body telling you there's just time for one last hurrah before reproduction is no longer an option. None of us chose to get pregnant and we all got over it. Now we can't imagine what we were thinking!

My advice is despite your age, absolutely do not rush into this. You say your relationship is newish. A pregnancy and baby might be the kiss of death to it and then you'd be on your own with 3 kids and a huge age gap. Also your kids have no idea what a baby would entail. I'd pay literally no attention to what they think they want.

I think you are taking a very romanticised view of this huge life changing decision. If you feel the same in 12 months then fair enough. You are the one would be having a higher risk pregnancy and who would be left holding the baby if your relationship fails and after your older kids are long gone.

Huge amount of things to consider.

True, but 61 year old will and can have a level students. And btw my generation aren't retirees at 61.

Life stages aren't fixed.