To be confused by the two working parent set up

[Angels1111]

As I return to work from my Christmas break I return to the same conundrum I've been having since kids were born...
...that is confusion at how to handle my multiple roles in life.

I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work. And, there was more of a community to fall back on too - she could get the neighbours to watch us if needed, relatives had more time to visit and play with us, etc. But she had time, to keep herself healthy and to keep us healthy.

Now it feels like a lot of us work in careers which are not conducive to taking long career breaks or going part time. Or, we can't afford to. So we end up juggling everything that comes with having a family with work. My partner does lots but it feels like two people splitting three jobs between them (work, children, house) is more of a stretch and a juggle and I wish every day that I could just focus on the house and kids.

I feel resentful that if I hire a nanny or a baby sitter or get family to help, they'd just play with the kids, feed them lunch, and maybe wash up after lunch wheeras I'd be doing all of that plus the food shop, house cleaning, admin, cooking dinner, washing, homework etc etc simultaneously, and if I wanted to hire someone to truly replace my roles it would take 2-3 people just to do the home stuff let alone work.

But this could just be how I'm handling life! I have a chronic condition so potentially have less energy than the general population, I do handle it a lot better when I'm not flaring.

You’re not wrong. I also have a chronic condition and two children. I am part time but we are now stuck in our small house. My parents had double the number of children and double the size of house at my age. Once both children are at school I’ve got to weigh up taking on an extra day but if I do I will miss out on school pick ups and have the stress of requesting time off to attend 2x school events like sports days (I’m a teacher so can’t book holiday). I also work in the evenings as it is. It is hard isn’t it!

I realise a lot of what I have said there is financial but I’m part time because of that juggle and the worry of letting these years with our children just pass us by in the rush of work and housework.

Well out society doesn't value the 'village' intervention any longer. Parents want to control everything. Grand parents are glorified baby sitter with a long list of what to do and not do. No-one is allowed any kind of discipline however mild it is. Everything going wrong is open to blame culture.

So indeed, it's no surprise others don't care to be involved. Parents can't have it both ways.

Yes! Also concur on the small house double the children thing. I feel like also marriages are less secure so people don't want to relinquish their career.

Yeah when I was in my early 20s me and a bunch of my friends all chipped in with babysitting our friends kids as she was a single parent and the father was very much absent. We took her on days out, gave her presents etc, I used to babysit twice a week overnight at one point so she could go out. Another friend took her on holiday with a week with her family.

But once anyone said anything about how she was raising her kid eg. Suggesting she shouldn’t have so many men around her,
or saying certain things in front of her she would immediately kick off and tell them they didn’t have kids and didn’t know what it was like blah blah. Her child was and still is actually lovely, my friend was the problem and we just didn’t want her child turning out like her. People can be too defensive nowadays.

Oh really? That seems quite specific, do you think it's generation-wide? What I meant by "the village" is that we had relatives dropping in quite regularly with their kids, whereas now everyone is busy at work / asc etc so people don't have time to drop in for visits, so the kids don't get to feel a sense of community/family around them, just very insular, which is proven to reduce mental health.

Aww you all sound so lovely. She, and her child, were lucky to have you there.

I don’t know how old you are, but my children are in their 30s and your description is how my life was too. Always had to work and pay for childcare, as no grandparents close. But my MIL was working full time anyway, so wouldn’t have been able to help. DH away a lot of the time, so dogs and children very much up to me.

You’re not wrong- your best bet is to simplify things as much as you can.

Let the house go a bit, or hire a cleaner if you can afford one.

Let ready meals/ freezer meals take the strain a few nights a week.

Do what you need to at work, but don’t do more than that in this season.

Hang on to your career if you can. It does get easier as the kids get older. 💐

Does it get easier as they grow older? I'm 40

I agree. We’ve gone from thinking we can have it all to doing it all.

Thank you, needed to hear that, especially on the work front and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work

id love to know when this mythical time was! My mum is in her 70s and worked full time with 3 children. I'm in my 50s and work full time and always have

Thank you! Her child was an absolute delight, I was lucky to have her in my life too, I moved away so don’t see her as much but she has grown up to be an amazing young adult from what I can see. And she still has fond memories of those days when I was always around!

I’m mid 40s and my mum worked from when I was 3 until she retired. We didn’t have a car until I was 10 as they couldn’t afford it. All commuting and big shops done on the bus/walking. Only one grandparent still alive when I was born and she lived an hour away. (She also still worked in her 70s as a part time cleaner). I don’t think any women in my family have ever been just stay at home parents.

I pray every week that I come into a decent sum of money that would enable me to give up work and become a house wife. I've struggled and juggled 3 kids into adulthood whilst always working full time. I think i'm about done now, i've had enough. I would quite happily retire (mid 40's), have some hobbies, me time, less stress, cook home cooked meals every night, spend more time with parents while I can and look after my grandchildren.

I have a slightly different perspective as I’m nearly 50. My parents both worked, had two kids and a big house. But they were unhappy and divorced when we were mid teens. I have one child as we knew we could afford that comfortably. We bought a small house in an area with good schools, and did it up but stayed there. I work full time, DH was stay at home dad and then worked part time. He went to all school events etc.
We deliberately decided to live the life we could afford. I know it’s not the same for everyone but it worked for us.

People I know who are working parents never really complain about it so I didn't realise it would be so hard. I suppose it would be a bit easier if I wasn't bedridden some days. Also, I work part time so I can be there for my kids but my job has bloated and I could quite easily double the hours and still not have enough time, so I suppose the extra mental strain is taking its toll...even if I'm not actually doubling my hours and am managing my workload there is a constant nagging feeling that I could be doing more.

That's a good point

It's a lot but having said that a lot of women with young children - or any age children actually - do work PT.

The main thing is getting your partner to do their fare share, which will likely mean more than half when you are ill.

You can get nannies who are willing to shop and do basic housework, but you need to negotiate all that.

Women didn't work in your parents' generation? How old are you? My mother worked (and didn't have her parents around to help), my grandmothers worked, they also shouldered much more of the housework than I do. I'm not going to say that being a working mother is easy, because it's not, but it's not the impossible feat that some seem to think it is.

Mum is in her late 60s. I dunno, it was quite normal for her, my aunt, MIL, other in laws, not to be working when their kids were young

Agreed. I think it’s a western secular mentality. The sense of community is still strong in many religious sects and different cultures generally. Some cultures still live with extended family and very much believe in the village mentality.

Agree
and OP says they are 40?
perhaps it’s a different country or culture ?