Page 5 | To be confused by the two working parent set up

Angels1111 · 2025-12-30T11:26:35+00:00

As I return to work from my Christmas break I return to the same conundrum I've been having since kids were born... ...that is confusion at how to handle my multiple roles in life. I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work. And, there was more of a community to fall back on too - she could get the neighbours to watch us if needed, relatives had more time to visit and play with us, etc. But she had time, to keep herself healthy and to keep us healthy. Now it feels like a lot of us work in careers which are not conducive to taking long career breaks or going part time. Or, we can't afford to. So we end up juggling everything that comes with having a family with work. My partner does lots but it feels like two people splitting three jobs between them (work, children, house) is more of a stretch and a juggle and I wish every day that I could just focus on the house and kids. I feel resentful that if I hire a nanny or a baby sitter or get family to help, they'd just play with the kids, feed them lunch, and maybe wash up after lunch wheeras I'd be doing all of that plus the food shop, house cleaning, admin, cooking dinner, washing, homework etc etc simultaneously, and if I wanted to hire someone to truly replace my roles it would take 2-3 people just to do the home stuff let alone work. But this could just be how I'm handling life! I have a chronic condition so potentially have less energy than the general population, I do handle it a lot better when I'm not flaring.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 12:42

The village thing is due in part to more mothers working so less time to foster a community, working hours & demands in general, longer commutes & people living further away from their families. Plus everyone neglects to mention all the rules and regulation changes eg parenting is different now vs the past.

Original poster

Angels1111 · 30/12/2025 12:43

InfoSecInTheCity · 30/12/2025 12:37

It’s not as hard in practice as it is on paper although you will be busy. The big difference between now and 50/70 years ago is the time it takes to complete tasks and the availability of convenience. We aren’t tethered to 9-5 shopping patterns, we have delay timers on the washing machine and tumble dryers in our homes, there are nurseries offering 7.30-6pm childcare 51 weeks a year…..

Youll find your rhythm and it will only be the days where someone is poorly or the nursery shuts for snow or whatever that really cause a major problem.
we were both back full time when DD was 9 months old, she’s 11yo now and we found nursery was easier to manage than the first few years of primary school, and age 9 up has been getting steadily easier as she gets more independent and needs less childcare.

The first few years of primary school were a bitch though, uniforms needed to be ready and look decent, wraparound care was hard to source, loads of holidays to cover and lots of holiday clubs won’t take reception age children, the good clubs are expensive, the cheaper clubs were boring and took a lot of cajoling to get DD to participate. Trying to cover 13 weeks holiday with less than 10 weeks annual leave meant never being on holiday at the same time as DH or having to have more clubs.

Some practical tips from me:

over buy cheap clothes for nursery and set yourself up at the weekend so you have every days worth of clothes ready to just put them into when they wake up
develop a clear morning routine that works and stick to it. We would get up, downstairs, eat breakfast, washed, dressed, then DD would have 30 minutes to play/watch tv while I sorted out bags and tidied the kitchen, then shoes, coat and leave. Having a known routine meant she knew what to expect and didn’t get discombobulated.
If you have to do packed lunches, develop a structure and prep for it. As I was unpacking the shopping I’d pot up fruit and veg into individual portions, break up the yoghurt pots, cube up some cheese into pots and fill the snack box with bags of crisps/mini cookie packs. Then in the morning I just grabbed a veg pot, a fr
uit pot, a yoghurt, a cheese pot, a bag of crisps or cookies and put them in her lunch box. Dd never liked sandwiches so would usually have a plain croissant or buttered bagel as her carb. Took less than 5 minutes to make and no stress of having to decide or negotiate the contents.
Fill the washing machine to come on overnight so it’s done by the time you get up, then transfer to the line in the morning. During the winter I set the washing machine to be done for when I finish work so I can put the tumble dryer on while we’re having dinner.
You can still cook homemade food whole ingredients just pick quick easy recipes. When unpacking the shopping I bag up meat with marinades or rubs and freeze or refrigerate based on dates. I buy pre-prepped veg like trimmed greenbeans or tenderstem brocolli. Then when I finish work put the oven on to pre-heat, pour meat out onto 1 tray, put veg on another with a drizzle of olive oil and seasoning, put in oven for 30 minutes and serve. Or use the slow cooker to make chilli/casserole. Bag up all the ingredients together in a large ziplock bag while you’re unpacking the shopping and leave it in the fridge/freezer, then in the morning just empty it into the slow cooker, set to low and it will be done when you get home. Serve with a loaf of fresh buttered bread or microwave rice.
Develop the habit of not stopping a job till it’s finished and using your spare minutes. So if you are folding clothes from the dryer, don’t put them in a stack to deal with later just take them straight upstairs and put them away. If you’re waiting for the kettle to boil, use that 2 minutes to sweep the kitchen floor.

And the absolute most important tip of all, is that there are 2 adults in your house, your DH should be doing half of the above and all the other housework/running around getting people where they need to be. If you are both working then you need to be equal partners in the house too.

Thank you so much. These tips are really helpful. It's also good to know that it's the early primary years which are the hardest as that's where we are now and for some reason I was expecting it to get easier not harder!
I guess it's the "when someone is ill" which unfortunately for me means once a month or so. I think I need to come clean to work about this instead of trying to power through.

OP posts:

Alittlefrustrated · 30/12/2025 12:43

Theeyeballsinthesky · 30/12/2025 11:53

I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work

id love to know when this mythical time was! My mum is in her 70s and worked full time with 3 children. I'm in my 50s and work full time and always have

3 siblings 56 - 65 here. Dad worked fulltime and mam worked partime. We had, and expected, a much simpler lifestyle growing up. No eating out, no take aways, very little paid for entertainment/activities, one caravan holiday a year, much less "stuff". Council housing (affordable and good quality, on 1.5 wages and lower expectations in terms of lifestyle). No help with childcare, at all,despite large extended families.They had their own families, and grandparents weren't expected to do it. No funding for childcare.
Women were trapped financially - many not in what I would call "stable" marriages. Many abusive.
It really wasn't a golden age for women.
There hasn't been a golden age for women.
There is unlikely to be a golden age for women, but avoiding being financially dependent on a man, is crucial, imo.

ForMyNextTrickIWillMakeThisVodkaDisappear · 30/12/2025 12:44

Theeyeballsinthesky · 30/12/2025 11:53

I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work

id love to know when this mythical time was! My mum is in her 70s and worked full time with 3 children. I'm in my 50s and work full time and always have

I was wondering this too. All my female relatives of my parents generation (born in the 50s worked, mostly full time once their youngest were in school. My gran and her friends born in the 20s and 30s mostly worked too once their youngest child was school age. Maybe I don’t come from the right background for this to apply to?

I do agree that there is a lot more pressure on mothers to get shit done, both at work and regarding family life than there ever has been for dads. I think part of that is the pressure we put on ourselves and the judgment we have towards each other or even just perceived judgment.

thepotatoesarerevolting · 30/12/2025 12:45

Passaggressfedup · 30/12/2025 11:40

Well out society doesn't value the 'village' intervention any longer. Parents want to control everything. Grand parents are glorified baby sitter with a long list of what to do and not do. No-one is allowed any kind of discipline however mild it is. Everything going wrong is open to blame culture.

So indeed, it's no surprise others don't care to be involved. Parents can't have it both ways.

This made me LOL because its certainly not true in my case.

My parents palmed me off to their parents (my grandparents) every chance they got. They had loads of babysitting help and free time without me. I was with my grandparents several times a week.

When I had a baby they refused to help me at all. They've maybe helped once in an emergency situation in 13 years. This is compared to the almost daily help they had from their parents.

So it seems that people who have benefited from having a "village" aren't always willing to pass that favour on. Its hugely hypocritical in my opinion!

Fairyliz · 30/12/2025 12:45

Isn’t it just that society has changed so much in the last 60 years?
I’m in my 60’s and my mum only worked one day a week until we were at secondary school.
However we also lived in an unheated house, had no car or house phone and never went on holiday or out for meals/show/kid friendly place.
You also stayed in the place where you were born so your relatives all live nearby. I saw my cousins weekly, whilst my own children had to travel 150 miles to see theirs.
Would you like to live like that?

Bimmering · 30/12/2025 12:45

Angels1111 · 30/12/2025 12:30

Yeh I've been reflecting as I read the posts and I think actually I find it most stressful when I'm having a flare up, as today, and need to be in bed - but that's not actually a problem with being 2 working parents and whatever my external circumstances I would still find it hard to work through the pain. I guess that's the bit I need to somehow manage better.

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One of the best bits I think about being a working parent is that if you need to take a sick day, you have childcare in place. You don't need to try and entertain a toddler, you can just drop them off at nursery and go back to bed.

Puffin69 · 30/12/2025 12:45

Theeyeballsinthesky · 30/12/2025 11:53

I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work

id love to know when this mythical time was! My mum is in her 70s and worked full time with 3 children. I'm in my 50s and work full time and always have

I grew up in the 70'shere and most women didn't work outside the home or only did seasonal work. Women who lived in town probably did more often but living rurally with no transport and several young kids made things difficult. We also didn't have anywhere near as many school events asmy kids did. Most women did however help out on the farm/garden/look after hens etc.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 12:46

Oh & the village thing is also impacted by older retirement ages

redskydelight · 30/12/2025 12:46

The other thing reason the village is ceasing to exist is that people are just less friendly, less sociable and more suspicious of others. And have less time or inclination to form friendships.

So many threads on here where a parent needs someone to take their child as a one off and they don't know (e.g.) a single other parent at their DC's school who can do it.

I'm socially awkward and hate talking to people I don't know, but I forced myself to make an effort to talk to the parents of my DC's classmates. None of them ever became my best friends but it did enable us (both ways) to share lifts, favours and last minute emergency playdates.

fishtank12345 · 30/12/2025 12:46

Angels1111 · 30/12/2025 11:48

Oh really? That seems quite specific, do you think it's generation-wide? What I meant by "the village" is that we had relatives dropping in quite regularly with their kids, whereas now everyone is busy at work / asc etc so people don't have time to drop in for visits, so the kids don't get to feel a sense of community/family around them, just very insular, which is proven to reduce mental health.

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You are correct that the village is no longer there. Everyone is just .. doing their own thing. Not been great for our society at all. Such a shame.

Its also the cost of everything and the comparison thing that keeps people " keeping up with the Jones' so we all spend way too much and need work to cover it all.

Debt...

House prices are insane. Its pretty disgusting what has been done to us, all in the name of money.

We also are stuck in a house that is too small for us, had a stud wall built in biggest bedroom but its not been the perfect solution by any means.

DallazMajor · 30/12/2025 12:47

We need a revolution!

Current rules of society do not benefit or add any enhancement to most people’s lives.

Everyone seems brainwashed to me.

RitaFires · 30/12/2025 12:49

I think that expectations around parenting and actively supervising children have changed so much that the old ideas of the village don't apply. I'm 41 and I would go out and play and walk to and from various friend's houses, our parents didn't necessarily know where we were and what we were doing. I remember going places with other families where children sat on each others laps and some sat in the boot, completely illegal now. My brother used to be sent to the shop several busy streets away to buy cigarettes for my Nana, he was 7, that absolutely wouldn't fly today.

parakeet · 30/12/2025 12:51

Angels1111 · 30/12/2025 11:56

People I know who are working parents never really complain about it so I didn't realise it would be so hard. I suppose it would be a bit easier if I wasn't bedridden some days. Also, I work part time so I can be there for my kids but my job has bloated and I could quite easily double the hours and still not have enough time, so I suppose the extra mental strain is taking its toll...even if I'm not actually doubling my hours and am managing my workload there is a constant nagging feeling that I could be doing more.

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I think the issue for you OP is that you are bedridden some days. (Sorry to hear that.) That would throw out anyone's childcare/work balancing act.)

I read somewhere (sorry can't remember where) that women working once they have children is not some modern thing. Poorer women have always combined children with paid employment. It was just in the middle classes where it was a badge of honour for a man to be able to support his wife not to work.

Personally, I found a perfect balance came from me working 3 days a week when they were very small, leaving two days for childcare combined with some housework plus all those jobs that can take over your weekend otherwise.

Yes, my career progress stopped during that time but it was only about 7 years. And no reason you couldn't get same effect with both partners each working 4 days a week.

santasbaubles · 30/12/2025 12:51

youarebeingsoextrarightnow · 30/12/2025 11:55

I pray every week that I come into a decent sum of money that would enable me to give up work and become a house wife. I've struggled and juggled 3 kids into adulthood whilst always working full time. I think i'm about done now, i've had enough. I would quite happily retire (mid 40's), have some hobbies, me time, less stress, cook home cooked meals every night, spend more time with parents while I can and look after my grandchildren.

I feel like this too. Here’s hoping for a lottery win! Unfortunately I’ll probably be working into my seventies at this rate.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 12:51

@RitaFires exactly, society expects dc to be supervised at all times & there is so much more judgement. This was not the case in the past.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 12:53

Housing is having a huge impact on families disposable income again costs are higher va the past.

Is it any wonder birth rates are so low?

Original poster

Angels1111 · 30/12/2025 12:53

RitaFires · 30/12/2025 12:49

I think that expectations around parenting and actively supervising children have changed so much that the old ideas of the village don't apply. I'm 41 and I would go out and play and walk to and from various friend's houses, our parents didn't necessarily know where we were and what we were doing. I remember going places with other families where children sat on each others laps and some sat in the boot, completely illegal now. My brother used to be sent to the shop several busy streets away to buy cigarettes for my Nana, he was 7, that absolutely wouldn't fly today.

Oh I remember many kids in the car! Brother on my lap, someone at my feet, all seats full. Was always supervised though. My husband used to go off and play football all day and just come home when it got dark, from the age of 5!

OP posts:

TheMoth · 30/12/2025 12:53

Most of my friends' mums didn't work when we pre school. But they all edged back in in ways- bit of hairdressing; clothing repair; shop; bar work. The difference was mainly that they lacked choices and a career to go back to, so they had to do whatever was on offer around childcare and housework, whilst the men got to go to work and come home again. By the time I was 12, both parents were ft.

My grandmother worked through 7 kids. Her mil and then the older girls did the childcare.

Mine are teens now and have been trained to help around the house. I'd say it was tough for 10 years, but that's not actually a huge amount of time in an entire life. I'm glad I got to have and keep a career and a dh who respects that rather than live my mum's life.

TheMoth · 30/12/2025 12:53

Most of my friends' mums didn't work when we pre school. But they all edged back in in ways- bit of hairdressing; clothing repair; shop; bar work. The difference was mainly that they lacked choices and a career to go back to, so they had to do whatever was on offer around childcare and housework, whilst the men got to go to work and come home again. By the time I was 12, both parents were ft.

My grandmother worked through 7 kids. Her mil and then the older girls did the childcare.

Mine are teens now and have been trained to help around the house. I'd say it was tough for 10 years, but that's not actually a huge amount of time in an entire life. I'm glad I got to have and keep a career and a dh who respects that rather than live my mum's life.

A

Chrysanthemum5 · 30/12/2025 12:54

When I was growing up every woman had a job outside the home. I really don't recognise this ideal of only one parent working or just wasn't the norm for anyone I knew

Original poster

Angels1111 · 30/12/2025 12:55

parakeet · 30/12/2025 12:51

I think the issue for you OP is that you are bedridden some days. (Sorry to hear that.) That would throw out anyone's childcare/work balancing act.)

I read somewhere (sorry can't remember where) that women working once they have children is not some modern thing. Poorer women have always combined children with paid employment. It was just in the middle classes where it was a badge of honour for a man to be able to support his wife not to work.

Personally, I found a perfect balance came from me working 3 days a week when they were very small, leaving two days for childcare combined with some housework plus all those jobs that can take over your weekend otherwise.

Yes, my career progress stopped during that time but it was only about 7 years. And no reason you couldn't get same effect with both partners each working 4 days a week.

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Yeh I'm reflecting more and more that this is the issue rather than the actual stuff I'm doing. I currently work 3 days spread over 5 so I think slightly tweaking that to 3 full days and having some spare time would help, but not when my pain is like this :(

OP posts:

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 12:55

@Chrysanthemum5 its about wider statistics though. Everyone I knew worked p/t and not until their dc were properly in school but I obviously know some mothers outside my bubble worked full time….

hardhatson · 30/12/2025 12:56

It is relevant that you’re Indian, your parents/grandparents probably had a totally different culture where women were predominantly housewives. I think you’re likely romanticising the female household role from back then tbf, it’s not like traditional indian women had a lot of choice or freedom or respect!

for me, both of my parents worked. My mum was a high earner throughout with a high flying career, so to me work has always been a normal part of life and not something I want to relinquish.

You sound like you dislike your job, just leave it then? Find a new job that suits you more? Ultimately your employer can replace you, so if your heart isn’t in it, someone else may very well be happy in your role. No point stressing yourself out for a job you dislike trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 12:56

I think hybrid, remote working and flexible/condensed hours have made a huge difference but obviously these aren’t available to all parents.