To be confused by the two working parent set up

[Angels1111]

As I return to work from my Christmas break I return to the same conundrum I've been having since kids were born...
...that is confusion at how to handle my multiple roles in life.

I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work. And, there was more of a community to fall back on too - she could get the neighbours to watch us if needed, relatives had more time to visit and play with us, etc. But she had time, to keep herself healthy and to keep us healthy.

Now it feels like a lot of us work in careers which are not conducive to taking long career breaks or going part time. Or, we can't afford to. So we end up juggling everything that comes with having a family with work. My partner does lots but it feels like two people splitting three jobs between them (work, children, house) is more of a stretch and a juggle and I wish every day that I could just focus on the house and kids.

I feel resentful that if I hire a nanny or a baby sitter or get family to help, they'd just play with the kids, feed them lunch, and maybe wash up after lunch wheeras I'd be doing all of that plus the food shop, house cleaning, admin, cooking dinner, washing, homework etc etc simultaneously, and if I wanted to hire someone to truly replace my roles it would take 2-3 people just to do the home stuff let alone work.

But this could just be how I'm handling life! I have a chronic condition so potentially have less energy than the general population, I do handle it a lot better when I'm not flaring.

I know we just so jammy and lucky 🤣

There isn’t free childcare now either

What are you talking about? Every working family earning under £100k (is that family or individual income?) Gets 30 hours of free childcare a week for 38 weeks. So not full-time all-year-round but a hello of a lot more than we got (ie nothing)

That’s not free! Free means no charge.

A nursery near me had an advert on Facebook the other day providing a calculator of how much they cost. I put in our info and it was £1100 per month, for 5 days a week for 2 children. That’s including the SUBSIDISED hours etc. £1,100 a month / £13,200 year doesn’t feel very free… For clarity it’s not a posh Montessori nursery, just a standard local nursery not in London

Actually ignore my calculations: we would only need 3 days for our needs so that’s throws all the numbers out. It’s actually £580 PER WEEK / £2,416 PER MONTH (assuming they close over Christmas / New Year). So yeah, even less “free”. Especially when someone would have to earn around £36,600 or more to just break even. Assuming they don’t drive or get public transport to work, don’t buy any lunch, don’t buy any work clothes, don’t contribute to a pension and have no student loans…

My MIL had this lifestyle. Coffee, tennis, ladies lunches, swimming

Sociable, stressfree, little responsibility

But she was unfulfilled and would have loved to do paid employment

And add in the financial dependence and absence of pension contributions etc …

What stopped her?

Social expectations, class, lack of education, lack of childcare

It was a very different time then

My gran got married over 100 years ago. A week after the wedding on grandfathers first day back at work he was eating breakfast and told her she could have whatever she wanted, she just had to ask. Later that day as she served him dinner she told him she'd got her job back and she could buy what she wanted without asking anyone.

I like that. And good for her !

She was amazing and had such a hard life. She is my hero still although she died many years ago

You are splitting hairs here. Regardless how you look at it, you get 30 hours free childcare. That is a fact. That is money you don't have to pay so your bill is lower than it would have been.
I don't know why older posters bother on MN to be honest. The only narrative is it's much harder now, we have no idea how hard you have it, we had it much easier etc and any facts that don't fit this are just brushed aside.

I don’t know why you keep saying FREE, the definition of free is “without fee or payment”. My updated post clarifies it’s £2,416 for a typical nursery for 2 children to go 5 days a week, £2,416 clearly isn’t free and some people don’t even earn that a month net. Its SUBSIDISED. Thanks to providers cranking up the overall cost with random consumable charges, insisting parents can’t bring their own food and instead charge them a premium for food etc etc.
The problem from my side is people throwing around inaccurate “facts” when they only really understand half the story and then they get irritable when they are told they are wrong! The post started off with someone ventilating about how tricky they find it, other people rock up with the “things were way harder in my day, what are you mosning about” vibe. Claiming there was no childcare in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s -no true. There was no flexible working in the 80’s -also not true

As I said, the only narrative you are interested in is everything is much worse now and every generation before you has had an easy life.
I am not even going to engage with you about the nursery hours other than to say using your definition, nothing is ever free. So buy one get one free eg £5 for one item or £5 for two would mean the second one is not free because you had to pay for the first one.
Did you get a year's maternity leave on full pay? Do you wfh full-time? Did your dp get generous paid paternity leave? Because these are all things that exist now but are by no means commonplace. The same with flexible working. It did exist but was vanishing unusual.
Anyway, you have it worse than any other generation - does that make you feel better?