To be confused by the two working parent set up

[Angels1111]

As I return to work from my Christmas break I return to the same conundrum I've been having since kids were born...
...that is confusion at how to handle my multiple roles in life.

I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work. And, there was more of a community to fall back on too - she could get the neighbours to watch us if needed, relatives had more time to visit and play with us, etc. But she had time, to keep herself healthy and to keep us healthy.

Now it feels like a lot of us work in careers which are not conducive to taking long career breaks or going part time. Or, we can't afford to. So we end up juggling everything that comes with having a family with work. My partner does lots but it feels like two people splitting three jobs between them (work, children, house) is more of a stretch and a juggle and I wish every day that I could just focus on the house and kids.

I feel resentful that if I hire a nanny or a baby sitter or get family to help, they'd just play with the kids, feed them lunch, and maybe wash up after lunch wheeras I'd be doing all of that plus the food shop, house cleaning, admin, cooking dinner, washing, homework etc etc simultaneously, and if I wanted to hire someone to truly replace my roles it would take 2-3 people just to do the home stuff let alone work.

But this could just be how I'm handling life! I have a chronic condition so potentially have less energy than the general population, I do handle it a lot better when I'm not flaring.

You only work 3 days?
Definitely make them 3 full days and have 4 off.

No. As we've said, Mums have always worked.

Very good point re being trapped financially. I do think some of the many arguments as couples we have are because we're so stretched but there is no denying that if a relationship was bad back then women had very few options. My Mum, for example, was only "allowed" by her family to study things "suitable for a girl" like typing or nursing, but they were not jobs that she could have done to support herself had she been in an abusive relationship

Not as many did.

This!
It's completely made up!
Women were in the workplace full-time everywhere- teachers, social workers, banks, shops of all sorts, secretarial and other admin roles, factories, nurseries etc etc etc.
They had to work, just like the majority of women today. No top up benefits for working women of any sort existed back then either! No assistance with nursery fees either. This is never mentioned on mumsnet!

Crock of shit

Loads of things to consider:

1. The myth of mothers not working outside the home in the past is just that, a myth. Not all did to be sure, but many did. Any who weren’t rich and whose husbands left, for starters! Many working class women worked part time regardless, cleaning, taking in laundry etc. My grandma was born in the 1920s and her mum always worked full time. Granny married and was pt when the children were small, ft otherwise.
2. Leisure was a bit of a myth. My granny never stopped, when she was at home she was always cooking, cleaning, making or mending clothes, hauling water (no running water) or wood for the fire, or doing laundry by hand etc. No TV, just the radio on whilst she worked. She still had time for fun sometimes of course, but the expectations around leisure time or ‘me’ time just weren’t there.
3. ‘Parenting’ as done now wasn’t a thing. May women, my mum included, wouldn’t have had time to be arranging play dates, overseeing homework, taking children to clubs etc. Outside of school they were sent out to entertain themselves.
4. Geographical mobility. People moving to find work / better work has always happened, but has been much more common since more people started going away to university. It means more people not living near family, and not having that support network to tap into. I’m in London and hardly anyone has family here.
5. House prices and rents are so high that many families who would, a generation ago, have been able to afford to live on one or one and a half wages (eg a teacher) absolutely couldn’t today. So many of those professional jobs do not now afford the lifestyle they once would. It means people spend the time and money training, then have all of the extra stress and hours to work, but without the rewards, which include the money for the big house and help therein (cleaner, mothers help, one parent working less etc)
6. Much later retirement ages. If grandparents were mostly retiring at 60 (women) and 65 (men) - or earlier if they had been doing jobs that allowed it financially due to relatively high wages or an early occupational pension, they still had the time and energy to get involved as active grandparents. I won’t be able to retire before 70, and that’s only if my mortgage is paid off (see also house prices, above!). If my daughter has children whilst I am in my 60s I won’t be able to help much even if she’s living nearby, and by the time I can afford to retire I will be old and exhausted. So many women in my mum’s generation (she’s in her 70s) retired in their 50s and did voluntary work, visited their grown up children and helped with grandchildren etc, my generation not so much as we are all still on the never-ending work treadmill.
7. Further to all of the above, people are having children later. My granny was 50 when I was born. If my DD has her first child at the age I had her, I will be in my mid-70s when I become a grandparent! That’s a huge difference in terms of energy available, and just the sheer likelihood of being alive to help with grandchildren. I’m more likely to be heading into a care home than I am to be able to help wrangling toddlers at that point!

I think as big a change is that it’s harder for kids to casually play out now. The roads are so much more dangerous and there are fewer kids to play with. It would make a huge difference to me if my kids had several friends locally whose doors they could easily knock on and play together. Instead I am often stuck doing the playing as no they don’t want to play for twelve hours on their own with no input.

I work 3 days spread over 5, so I can pick DC up from school (2pm finish for one of them) but it might be better to figure out someone else to pick them up so I can wear fewer "hats" per day if you see what I mean.

I couldn’t echo this enough. OP I’ve been where you are now and felt like this whole thing is a trick. To balance a career, everything the children need, plus the house and look after yourself can feel like an endurance test where the person who pays the price is yourself as the mother. All I can say is as this previous poster put so well, take shortcuts where you can. Tea one night can just be beans on toast. If one week is busy at work and they don’t do their spellings, it’s not the end of the world. Try and see the positives, that unlike our mothers we have more financial freedom and stimulation through work. Think how much you are providing for your family and role modelling to them. If you can do these shifts, things do feel easier and it does get easier as they get older

50% of mothers worked outside the home in the mid 1970s, rising gradually over the intervening decades to just over 75% now.

I think your generational assumptions are a bit off, especially if you were born more recently than the 1970s.

But many did. And had to.
No "golden age" for most women.

@SuziQuinto your reply to my post makes no sense?

Most mothers in the past didn’t work full time but feel free to provide statistics that they did? Also are you saying that the things I posted about a village are untrue?

Thank you, needed to hear this! Especially on the spellings, I feel so guilty if I let stuff like that slip as it feels like I'm jeaporsiaing my DCs future :(
My friend took a (9-10 year) career break to get her kids through the 11+ as she said it would set them up for life and I was like gosh that's commitment

I don't know why you're being so aggressive, @Clockyclockz ! It's only a discussion 😄!
No, I'm not going to provide "statistics"!
😂

I think you're looking at the past with rose tinted glasses.
I'm retired now, but growing up in the 50s and 60s, my mother always worked. The main difference is that her job in a factory would hardly be described as a career.
She worked in the evening, so was there when we got home, but left for work before my Dad came home, leaving us alone for an hour. This would be unheard of now.
We had no family nearby and this mythical 'village' where neighbours helped out, just did not exist.
Consequently, I dont think my parents ever went out on their own anywhere.
Without today's modern appliances, washing took all day, etc.
There was little convenience food, as we grew up without a fridge, let alone a freezer.
I do remember a local fish and chip shop (which we could only rarely afford), and Chinese takeaways started when I was an adult (so very little in the way of ready meals).
There was no wrap around care, and little in the way of after school clubs (apart from brownies, etc).
The main difference is that as children we were all left on our own a lot more.
We would play with school friends and other local children, in parks, woods, in the streets, entirely on our own. And apart from the first few weeks, went on our own to and from school. This would be unheard of today.

Your response to the other poster was rude

No it wasn't.
I'm not interested in a slanging match. Find someone else.

• In April to June 2021, three in four mothers with dependent children (75.6%) were in work in the UK, reaching its highest level in the equivalent quarter over the last 20 years (66.5% in 2002).
• The employment rate was higher for mothers than either women or men without dependent children and has been since 2017.
• From 2020, in families where both parents are employed, it has become more common for both parents to work full-time, rather than a man working full-time with a partner working part-time.

@Clockyclockz stated that more mothers are working now. And she was correct.

It was rude, and incorrect.

I think this is a really excellent summary, and you've made some good points.
Perhaps, when you're in the midst of full on parenting, it's tempting to think that somehow things were better in the past.

It’s aggressive to reply to you?
Of course you can’t provide statistics for something that isn’t true.

I'm not interested in a slanging match. Find someone else.

🤔

Yeh I'm realising from this threat that my family set up was quite unusual actually

@EezyOozy thank you but don’t waste your time. Facts are irrelevant to feels 😆😆