To be upset my friend asked me for 5K?

[OhMyLantern]

I’ve recently been through hell. I was bullied really badly by my manager, regarding my disability and it was well documented. I ended up having to leave my job and my mental health really suffered. I had no job to go to so ended up borrowing £5000 from my own mum and dad to cover my bills while I searched for a new job. Me and my employer recently settled outside of tribunal and I got £18,000. Again, it’s a nice amount but given I nearly lost my life through suicide and the stress it’s put me under it doesn’t feel like a win at all. I’m only just now rebuilding my confidence again.

I’ve paid back my parents, and luckily start a new job next month but will have to cover my bills until then. My best friend has however asked me for £5000 to help with her debts as they’re getting her down and she says she’s struggling to cope and feels suicidal . These are self inflicted debts by the way, think new nails, new car, holidays. She also lives with her dad and only pays for their food shopping and no bills, and earns around 2K a month so I don’t know how she’s racked up so much and even then, can’t pay it.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

I know I need to say no, that I don’t want to bail her out- but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m being unreasonable even though I’m not and I know I’d never see that money again. She hasn’t always been a bad friend as such, she does drive long hours to come see me and has done lots of little house jobs for me before.

I'm joining the chorus of voices advising you not to lend her money because you will never see it again. Frankly, I'm at a loss to understand how she has lots of debt given all she has to pay for is food and for her car running costs. She has a cheek even asking you!

This!

I know it's easy to talk tough on here and I do often find myself rolling my eyes at all the "I'd tell them to bugger off" posts from people who probs wouldn't say boo to a goose in real life.

But that said, I'm pretty good nowadays at suppressing that people pleaser element I used to have and I think the key is to have some phrases prepared. You already know that she wouldn't help you in the same situation so with that in mind I'd not feel guilty. I'd just say something like "sorry, I've put it in an ISA" and move on.

Say it nice and breezy, not defensively, but also not apologetically. If she pushes then I'd probs be tempted to say something like "I've really struggled with money these past few years and there wasn't anybody able to help me out, so I need to keep a buffer just in case". That should make the point.

Ultimately, she wants you to trade your financial security for hers.

Absolutely this. Do not give her the opportunity to come back with “it’s just for a while”.

You could tell her that it is in a long term account that you cannot touch.

Don't say you don't want to bail her out. Say you can't. (Even if you can.) There is a difference.

And the words here are great. Learn them by heart.

Threatening suicide is a common manipulation tactic. Ditch this "friend", she is a user and you deserve better people in your life.

Loaning a friend money can be the quickest way to lose a friendship.
Putting in boundaries can also lead to a lost friendship but at least you wouldn't be £5000 down as well.

Blimey, that's even worse!! Not even pretending she's going to pay it back!

So you text :

"No, Jane I can't do that I'm afraid."

" Sorry Jane I can't help you."
"I can't Jane sorry."
"The answer's No Jane. Please don't ask again."

Don't go into detail, don't get caught up in elaborate excuses, No is the answer to her question and that's that.

I had much the same thing. Compensation award. Within days of a 'friend' knowing about it I had "when my ex-husband dies I know he'll have left the kids money but as my job is crap and I've just bought a stupidly expensive dream house (and I let my kids sit on their arses when they could be out earning money) I'm just living hand-to-mouth, so could you lend me a lot of money? I'm sure my kids will give me some when they get it and I can pay you back then."

All of that nonsense apart from the brackets was said to me, and the brackets part was entirely true but not said.

People like that are NOT your friends. Their self-inflicted problems are NOT your problems. And they're solvable, so far as you're concerned, with one two-letter word. That word is "No."

You don’t have to over explain you decision. Friends don’t ask people for large amounts. A no I have already allocated spent my money should suffice. How she reacts to you saying no will determine your friendship.

Hard agree with this post 👌

Quickly put it into an account with a notice period so you wont impulsively give it to her.
She is manipulating you

This is why you don't disclose finances to others

Do not give her the money, this is not your responsibility in any way and from what you describe here I strongly suspect you will never see that money again. She sounds quite manipulative to be honest and given you’ve had a rough time at that job the last thing you need is to bring this energy into your life. The power of the word NO is something you need to lean into, it does not make you a bad person to say no to her, trust me. She is taking advantage of you.

Does she know you borrowed £5k from your parents? It seems like it’s quite calculated - the same amount as you borrowed.

Good grief!! That's gob smackingly awful to read!! 😵

Yes maybe tell the friend to go and ask if she can borrow it from OP’s parents. You could sell tickets to watch that event….

I'm guessing you told her about the money settlement from your former employer. That would be why she has come up with this demand now. She is trying to exploit your friendship, goodwill, good nature. sees you as a soft touch and an opportunity for gain.

Just say you are not in a position to help. Nothing else. No sorry, no explanations or apologies. Steel yourself to say it. Resolve to stand firm and stick at that.

Repeat it if necessary.

If she takes the hump, too bad. She's a user. And feckless with money.

It’s simple. Tell her you don’t have the money, because you don’t. I’d also ghost her because she’s not your friend. She’s a leech.

God, your update makes it worse. So she actually wants you to gift her the money and not even make a pretence of it being a ‘loan’! Words fail me op. Distance yourself from this person, she’s no friend. It goes without saying you are not going to give her money. Take the time you need to feel well and healthy again.

Text her and say ‘sadly I can’t lend any cash, I’ve got a massive pile of bills to pay and my own debts to square. However Ive done some research and found Step Change who can help you with a repayment plan’

https://www.stepchange.org/?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=12348298313&gbraid=0AAAAAD1toAgV4TgdowXRjsSiYzZujbkoi&gclid=Cj0KCQiA6sjKBhCSARIsAJvYcpNuPSd-c75jMfDOPdytNu8vRin5_NNHlUNrJWKeVAVi13-HKMim_NIaAtwgEALw_wcB

I’d just tell her you can’t. I had a friend who would listen to me say I was broke that I was borrowing and then she’d ask me for £5/10 here or there once asked me for £30 and in the next breathe asked someone else to go out for dinner. I sent her £15 here or there and never received it back so when she asked for the £30 I’d had enough and there’s more as we used to work together and I’ve not spoken to her now for 17 months. So I’d make any excuse up say you’ve put it somewhere away or something. Cause that’s £5k you’d never see again.

If a friend asked me for a large loan, with her history, I would no longer class her as a friend. It’s as simple as that. You’re not a bank.

I'd tell her to piss off.

Spoiler alert: Your friendship is over either way.

The mention of suicide to guilt trip you into giving her money is bloody awful. She’s a grown woman with a good income and few overheads, she is in the perfect position to crack through a pile of debt but it means self control and planning

Tell her is in an isa and you couldn’t touch it even if you wanted to, which you don’t