MIL gave children gifts from a homeless charity for christmas!

[Jellyworms]

Thats it really, just a bit taken aback!

MIL is a strange one at the best of times, always expects but never wants to give. She didnt get my children (her first and only grandchildren aged 2 and 4) anything last year but asked my dh why we didnt gift her anything. Anyway, fast forward to this christmas.

she came over for christmas day with two big paper bags full of toys for both my children, i was shocked as the only thing shes ever brought them is a pair of socks.. children both started opening said gifts when my dd bought me over a piece of paper that was inside to read im assuming thinking it was a christmas card.
i started reading and to my absoloute horror it said “merry christmas from community assosiation” then at the bottom had a box ticked boy x girl x age and packed by x x x

i was absoloutley shocked, didnt make a thing of it until she had left later in the evening when i bought it up to dh. He completley didnt understand the situation and brushed it off.

googled the charity and its a homeless charity for children and adults facing homelessness and fleeing abuse (none of which she is!) no idea how on earth shes wrangled this but im absoloutley seething with anger at her for being so selfish taking from vulnerable children, lying and also not giving two hoots about her grandchildren that she cant even purchase them a gift.
the gifts were gorgeous and worth id say £60 per child easily that people have clearly bought to donate in good will.

What would you do? Do i confront her? Do i tell the chairty?

Not necessarily - the charity I buy Christmas presents for - the people receiving them have to be referred. Just using a food bank wouldn't qualify them for receiving gifts for third parties

This is dreadful and it’s made me so angry. My work is centred around vulnerable communities that rely heavily on food banks and gift donations. These charities are struggling as it is trying to garner donations for the growing number of vulnerable families. I am incensed that she is accessing something she has no need for . She is a horrible individual.

So there we have it, the OP doesn't actually know.

It's been pointed out many times on the thread that plenty of foodbanks don't require referrals and plenty do.

I have to say this - but the charity are also at fault here. I donate to a Scottish charity that gives gifts to people who are vulnerable and no way would this ever happen.

The way it is done where I am is that people are referred from various agencies and then the gifts get donated directly to the people in need

Someone would not be allowed just to rock up and say - I need presents. Neither would the person receiving the gift know that it had come from a charity

I would speak to the charity - because clearly they don't have enough safeguards in place to stop people abusing this system

Your MIL may be using a food bank but she's not poor. She doesn't need these gifts - and some people do - badly

Not all food banks require referrals from a professional. The Trussell Trust require a referral, indeoendant ones make their own rules. I was on a regional committe for food banks and food projects around 15 years ago. There are currently 2 in my town, one is totally independent and gives food with zero questions asked.

It isn't as simple as that. You are ignoring the upset to people's lives caused by drug addiction, abuse, violence and mental health problems. It isn't just about not having enough money from the government to do your weekly shop. You need emergency stop gaps for people whose lives aren't going well for whatever reason. My brother has ended up temporarily homeless because of severe mental health problems. He has been helped by police, social services and mental health teams but they have to find him first and he has to be a danger to himself or others before they can intervene without his consent. In the meantime charities that give out food and warm drinks probably have helped him. I don't know for sure because he hasn't spoken about it. I always donate to them for the sake of other people's children and siblings though.

If she took them under false pretences then clearly it needs looking into.

However, you need to be absolutely certain that she is not genuinely struggling herself.
There could be things she is keeping from you regarding her finances. Sometimes situations are not how they appear on the outside.
If she has been to a foodbank she would have needed a referral for that. They don't just dish it out to anyone. Someone (a professional person) must have assessed her situation at some point and decided she was eligible for support.

Neither would the person receiving the gift know that it had come from a charity
How would that work?

The charity I work for works on a professional referral basis too. Over 80% of our referrals come from statutory services such as health visitors, social workers, early help or schools. Whilst it’s not impossible to lie to these services in order to get help, it’s less likely as there will be an ongoing relationship and many of the professionals regularly visit the family’s homes.

I'm not talking about food banks when I used the word referred. I'm aware that there are food banks that people need to be referred to and ones that you don't need referred to

I was talking about a charity that I buy gifts for for people in need. They need to be referred - by social work or hospitals or other agencies.

The gifts go directly to the parent or guardian via the charities - it would not happen that someone would be able to access presents that other people bought to give to grandkids - just because they use a food bank

It has to be well run and Co ordinated because there are so many people needing help and they have to make sure that the people getting the gifts are actually in need

How would they know, mum picks up presents, wraps them up, puts a tag “to daughter love mum” and hands to daughter on Xmas day?

that’s the way it’s supposed to work, the gift receiver doesn’t know it’s a charity donation

sounds to me that op is most upset about the lack of money mil spent rather than anything else.
perhaps these were offered to her at cost price

Because the gifts get given to the parent or guardian to hand over. I buy the gifts and put them in gift bags. I don't sign the gift tags. The charity drops the gifts to the parent or guardian and they give them to their kids on Christmas day

Yeah but again all places are different, aren't they?

Some more formal and some less so.

Maybe she volunteers for the charity and was gifted them as a thank you for her support if they had surplus gifts left.

Yes - but when we buy we wrap them or put them in gift bags - actually the charity asks that you hand in wrapping paper so they check the presents first - but they do come from the parent on the day. Someone else just buys it

That isn't the way that these charities work - they don't have surplus, there are so many people in need

What she did is horrible but you said she has 3 adult children living at home but are they paying rent and bills, maybe she doesnt have any money, maybe they are all taking the mickey out of her, i think your hubby needs to talk to her and see if she has money and if these adults are paying rent and bills, why are they still living with her? Is she paying for all the food?

Ok. That's that theory blown then.

This is appalling op. She works fulltime and is mortgage free?

Tell your dh to tell her you don't want presents that are for vulnerable children. I'd also let the food bank know she is fraudulently using their services.

The way the OP described it in the beginning looked pretty formal to me. A gift coming from a charity that is supposed to go to someone vulnerable. It's the charity who haven't done their checks here

Keep it for next Christmas.

And yet if you read the thread, people have repeatedly posted about a surplus at foodbanks where they work.

Again, all places are not exactly the same.

Thats not a food bank that will be a community pantry. No foodbanks allow folk to just show up and will give out food.

This is one of the most awful things I think I've read, out of the things MILs have done on Mumsnet.
She is unbelievably selfish and I would not be able to let this go - I'd be confronting her about it.
I REALLY, really hope it's something she has purchased from the charity rather than taking under the pretence of vulnerability.
If it's the latter, I'd be absolutely furious and would march HER back to the charity to return them and make HER give a donation. How bloody awful.