Asked to leave over DH comments

[Reallyti]

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

It sounds like your husband had been having subtle digs at your son for a long time. He does sound vile - and it's hardly Christian values of acceptance and tolerance he's espousing. I mean is he actually a practising Christian? Why is he so het up about the boyfriend being Muslim?

Why have you been so passive about this for years? The thing about my husband I respect the most is that he has always had my back and has been endlessly tolerant with some of the weird ideas our children have had over the years. I don't see any hint of this in your posts about life with your husband. Unless leaving your husband would mean renting a one bedroom flat you can't afford to heat and living on beans on toast I'd be leaving. (Yes, I know in an ideal world you'd walk regardless but this is not an ideal world.)

By the way, it is your husband's responsibility to his nephews, not yours. How long have your nephews lived with you and has your husband compared them favourably to your son?

I say dont choose a side. Your pulled both ends as is. You support your son and talk to your DH when he has calmed down and more level headed. I suggest some kind of counseling for DH if he is willing. He does need to see how fractured his relationship is with DS and do something about it. I wish you the best OP. ❤️

Yes I read the post.

Which is why I wrote what I did. Private platforms have rules. Don’t like them? Don’t use said platform.

(And if you don’t believe they are a homophobe I have a bridge in London to sell you.)

The whole time I’m reading your post I’m waiting for the moment you step in to stop this shitshow… but it doesn’t happen.

Why did you just sit/stand there? Why did you not say anything?

If you want any relationship with your son (and his partner) you have a lot of damage control to do.

Not a chance I would be okay with my husband saying any of those things.
Though I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone homophobic either.

Which bit of her post was homophobic?
That's a genuine question, not a wind up.
You seem so certain that the only motivation for that post can be homophobia that I'm wondering if I've missed something, I haven't read the whole thread so maybe I'm overlooking something.

Your DH sounds exactly like my ex FIL down to the mean comments about the plush toy gift. I absolutely despised him and it was such a relief when I left my ex that I never had to see him again. I know this is very dramatic but I’d suggest counselling as a family and see if that helps.

You send your son a message, telling him you love him and want him to be happy and you are glad he has finally admitted he is gay and that your are pleased he has a partner that he loves and trusts. That's all you ever wanted for him.

Apologise for the way it played out, its now how you would have wanted.

Then sit your husband down and tell him what's in the first paragraph here and tell your husband that you brought your son up to have a life and be happy and if his BF makes him happy, that's all you need to know. Tell him that if he wants a relationship with his son (which you very much do) then he needs some help to consider how he has reacted and why, because if he carries on this way he will lose his son and you will not be party to that.

It won't be a quick fix, it will take work but right now your son needs to know you love him and accept his partner and that his Father is working on his problems.

You’re husband is an absolute disgrace, given your sons previous poor mental health and suicide attempt why on earth would he behave so horrible.
His partner saved his life he should have been so grateful and thankful to him that he’s not visiting a grave yard.
You need to stand up to your homophobic bully of a husband and as soon as possible go and visit your son and his partner show them love kindness and respect do not go with your husband leave him at home to stew .