Asked to leave over DH comments

[Reallyti]

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

That sounds like an awful experience for your son and his partner, and for yourself too.

Your husband acted like an absolute as.s and is not one bit remorseful or worried about his relationship with his son. To follow up by messaging your son about what he might catch from his partner is unforgivable and sounds only rooted in bigotry and not any way from concern. He's already shown he doesnt care about your son's mental health when he was struggling, put pressure on about grades, and when he attempts to include you in the life he has built with his partner he gets rejected and insulted.

Stick with your son. Support him. Do not excuse your husbands words or actions in any way, or this will create a distance as you would be passively supporting your husband's viewpoint

I'm glad your focus is on your son. I can't imagine how he is feeling. Your DH is doing so much damage to him.

Did he tell you about his dad's hateful message today? How is he? Have you spoken to DH since?

Please tell DS to block his dad. He doesn't need to read any more of this cruel shit. Tell DH to leave him alone.

Thank God he has his supportive partner.

Tell your husband that if he doesn’t stop being a c*nt to your son and son’s partner you will divorce him.

Then call your son and tell him you love him and are thrilled he’s found someone who he loves and you can’t wait to spent more time getting to know his lovely partner when they’re ready. Tell him you’ve given his father a bollocking.

Then follow through.

Your husband is an arse. Tell him you are ashamed of his reaction and his behaviour and if there is ever a choice to be made between your son and him, it's going to be your son every time.

I'm afraid it's an LTB from me.

I couldn't tolerate living with such an utter bigot.

You side with your son and tell your homophobic racist husband he is out of line and if he can’t say anything nice to your DS he should keep his mouth shut.

Well he is now openly showing his homophobia in an aggressive and disgusting way, directly towards your own DS. What are you doing about that?

You say you gave him an ultimatum, time to stand by your own word.

Just be there for your DS and until your DH can have respect for his choices in who and how your DS conducts his relationships with refuse any conversations regarding the subject.

Its lovely know that your DS partner has his best interests at heart.

Sexuality isn't a question of belief though.

Not really sure how you can stand being married to such an idiot but oh well.

Women pairing up with homophobic men does so much damage. Seen too much of it.

What an exceptionally stupid man you are married to. People are entitled to their own beliefs, but not their own facts.

The way I see it, is you now have a choice. Ditch your husband or lose your son...it just boils down to who would you miss the least.

OP you’re staying with a man who is abusing your son because you’re attached to him. You’re putting your own needs before those of your son and you’re choosing to stay with a man who is openly abusing your son and you’re trying to find a way to make it ok that you stay with him for your own comfort at the expense of your childs. You are putting your attachment before your own son being abused. I hope you dine a way to be really honest with yourself about that.

.... he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before ...

This is a great argument IN FAVOUR OF the boyfriend, not against him. Your husband was outrageously rude to your son and his partner IN THEIR OWN HOUSE where husband had been invited as a guest. It's too bad your son didn't feel he could speak up sooner, but thank goodness he has spoken up now!! He was absolutely right to ask you both to leave. Even if homophobia had nothing to do with it (it may not be the root cause, but it's apparent in husband's actions and speech): your son is 23, self-sufficient, and doesn't even live with you. Why does your husband think HE gets to choose his adult son's partner and shame him into living by husband's (totally weird) standards - he's not even allowed to like a sentimental stuffed animal? Your husband HAS his own life to live how he wants, he doesn't get to appropriate another one.

I have given him an ultimatum that I'll leave but he then accuses me of trying to break up the family sounds like DARVO. How are YOU breaking up the family by refusing to accept bullying and emotional abuse (toward your son, if not toward you), rather than your husband breaking it up by being an abusive bully and refusing to even discuss the impact of his actions on the rest of the family?

I can't tell you what you do with your life, but your son clearly has not been impressed with your conduct in this matter. Yes, you spoke up for him a little in the end and told your husband to stop bullying him - but then you went home (or rather, to a hotel) with the bully. If your son does invite YOU to see him again, with or without his partner, do NOT take your oaf of a husband.

You side with your son. I don’t understand why you’re having to even ask. Your DH is a cunt.

youll never have a good relationship with your son while you’re backing your husband who, by the way, is absolutely foul.

You’ll say “no I don’t back him I told him he’s out of line” but you do back him because you are actively choosing to align yourself with a man who is disgusting to your son.

If you son’s boyfriend started being as belligerent and awful to you, would you expect your son to stay? Would you be ok with your son inviting him to family gatherings and, when he said something out of line, be ok with your son saying well yeah it’s bad but that’s my boyfriend, he’s always been a bit of a tosser. Or would you say he’s a nasty piece of work and you are condoning his behaviour for all intents and purposes by staying with him? I can guess which.

This.

Poor son sounds very stressed about telling you his situation. What did YOU say when all these hurtful comments were being said? It's his life, be supportive. Your H sounds an oaf and a dinosaur to boot.

@Reallyti if I were the partner or friend of your son in this situation, I'd be suggesting to him that by staying with your husband, you're choosing him over your son. Your DS might not be ready to cut contact with you yet, but if you don't make the right decision now, that could be coming.

You side with your son. You tell your husband he can either apologise and mean it or that’s it. And you mean it.

Sorry will disagree here, yes of course partner has his opinion, by the way I think he is a great partner,

Anyway what I was trying to say is , our/ your children Do not come as competition, ' child vs h, no no never on the table, the love you have for a child is 'unconditional love' never to be used as a tool with h,

marriage/ relationships comes with conditions, they come and they go,
but children 💯 non negotiable ,

Op can still have a good relationship with son, but she needs to do this alone, h will just have to suck it up ,

I think people have established that the husband is a rip roaring cunt - what the OP needs is support on how to get away from him - which isn't always as easy as that if you own property together - and potentially other factors

I don't think an apology goes far enough. He's racist and homophobic - someone with views like that probably won't have been very nice to the OP either during their marriage

h has been messaging me and ds, last night he said to him that he hopes he's using protection because he could catch all sorts from bf

He's so out of order. I honestly hope this is made up at this point. If it's real, you're much calmer than I would be. I'd have the absolute ick re: husband.

Op very glad you went over. I am a bit confused about the part where you say that you were allowed to stay as long as H didn't go near ds, bf or their things. Was H with you?