Asked to leave over DH comments

[Reallyti]

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

@PixieDust91 Why wouldn't any father want their son to be happy? Why wouldn't they want their son to have a partner who care for them, and who defends them? Why wouldn't any father want to see their son do well?

More to the point, why would any father - any decent father worth the name - systematically bully, belittle and grind down their son? Is that how you parent your children? Or would you only save that kind of treatment for the ones who are gay?

This is sad. DP and I went out for dinner last night with one of my oldest friends and his boyfriend - now fiance! - to celebrate their engagement.

About 15 years ago he had a very similar experience to the OP's son, having had a similar childhood in which his strict, religious parents had consistently pressured him to be someone he wasn't. Their background homophobia became full-on homophobia when he tried to come out to them. The blow-up 15 years ago was the end of their relationship - he went NC after that and hasn't seen them since. It was so amazing to see him so happy with his fiance last night after all of that and I couldn't be prouder of him as a friend.

OP needs to prepare herself for the possibility that her son's invite to the home he shares with his partner for the first time WAS the last chance - and they fucked it completely. I say "they" because while the worst behaviour came from her husband, there's a pattern throughout her son's life of her standing by and letting him do it. And ultimately that's the same thing, it has the same effect.

It's mind-boggling that OP's husband dared to voice racist disapproval about the man who saved his son's life. Just incomprehensible.

Really happy that her son has a loving boyfriend in his life at least. I hope they end up with a solid, supportive chosen family as well, as so many LGBT people have to.

Your husband is a bully. He is the problem.

Im glad your son has found happiness.

Now, ypu need to be on his side.

It's really important for women to filter the husbands of their children for homophobia. Every woman I know would have dumped a man on the spot if he showed any sign of it and several of them explicitly asked their partners how they'd feel about a gay son before marrying them.

I would lose all respect for my husband if thought it was ok to treat his son in that way.

I'm not sure it will be possible for you to keep a close relationship with your son, now your DH has a consistent history of being a dick to him. Each time you don't speak up for your son when your husband is making inappropriate comments, you are tacitly taking his side and your son will feel like on some level you agree with what his Dad is saying.

You’re enabling your abusive husband to bully and harm your child. He probably dominates you too. You can’t change your husband. Your only option is to leave him if you want to properly support and maintain a relationship with your son.

I wouldn't be anywhere near my husband if he did that.
Go and see your son. Tell him you support him fully and will always be there for him. If you don't t do this now you may loose him.
Your husband is vile.

Keep on standing up for your DS. You’ve messaged him and he may need a little time to feel better after “d”h’s appalling behaviour. I suggest you arrange to visit DS on your own in the coming weeks to enjoy time with him and get to know his bf. It sounds like he has a good match in his lovely bf.

My DH would be toast if he had done this to our ds.

After my last reply I did go over and apologised to ds and gave them both a hug. Ds said he felt better but he didn't want to talk because he was tired. I was allowed to stay though as long as dh didn't go near him, his stuff or bf, h has been messaging me and ds, last night he said to him that he hopes he's using protection because he could catch all sorts from bf (though he didn't refer to him as bf ) will see what today brings.

Ooh your dh is not catching on is he? Instead he is doubling down and revealing the ugly side of his personality more and more.

I’m glad you went over there op - and that you came back to this thread, it can’t have been an easy read.

Any idea what you will do if your dh continues this behaviour?

As an aside (not saying this is your dh) I’m always curious about men who are so troubled by gay men. I assume it’s because there is a part of their own personality they dislike. Do you think he would have behaved this way if your ds was a dd?

First important step op. I think you need to take charge of things....'whatever the day brings'.

Oh op that's good you went over, but your h is just ewful how dare he txt son saying that to him, its just ewful, you must be so disappointed with him,

Advise son to block him so he doesn't the negative msg,

How ever op god knows how you continue to live with your h after this weekend,

Anything other then than telling your "D"H that he is a monumental knobhead and needs to say nothing until he has something kind and supportive to say, will result in the loss of your relationship with your son.

It's not enough to say that you have different opinions to his father.
You have to find the strength to denounce your bastard of a husband. Tell your DS how absolutely appalled you are by his father's attitude and that you are looking for a way to leave him. Then do it.
I'm gutted for your son. When our DS moved in with his BF, his father and I sent flowers, their first big online shop, then visited and took them out for dinner.

Oh and for the posters talking about religious bigots, DH and I consider ourselves Christians. NACALT and the ones who are should be ashamed of themselves.

The first reply is the one. You need to make a stand here, your husband is so very wrong and there is no conversation needed, all these details are irrelevant.

I have a difficult (aka arsehole) FIL, my MIL (and wider family, including my DH) lack of action and conversation over the years only condones his behaviour. It has massively affected my relationship with my DH and when his behaviour (and therefore continued lack of action/sweep it under the rug mentality) also affected my children, I finally put in strict boundaries and I rarely see him, pretty sure the narrative on my DH side is something negative on my part but it also means my DH doesn’t see his family that much. I find it excruciating and we’ve had many discussion about it, I’m disappointed that none of them have any backbone and allow his behaviour. if my family do or say anything out of line I am on it immediately (which is rare anyway).

Your son is the only person here that is important.

The cliche is that homophobic men are "secretly gay" - while this can be true I don't really see it as the most important pattern (and there's whiff of homophobia about its use as a common trope too).

However something that does ring more true is that what homophobic straight men fear is that gay men see them in the same way as they see women - that peculiar mix of contempt and lust that leads to misogyny. And they can't stand to be the object of that. Homophobia and misogyny are very tightly linked and you rarely get one without the other.

I didn’t say anything about homophobic men being secretly gay. I definitely agree with your second paragraph

This is a good start OP, well done.

It's only the start though. Be mindful that while you see yourself as trying to preserve a relationship with your son, what you actually have to do is mend it - the damage has been happening for years and years.

And while we can type all the LTBs we want - and we're right to - I'm sure we understand, and your son understands, that this isn't easy IRL. However as hard as it is, you have to start down the road of completely disowning yourself from your husband's beliefs and actions. That is likely to necessitate separation. Your son may well have seen and talked to his father for the last time.

Yes, sorry - that first paragraph wasn't directed at you! Just noting the cliche that often comes up. I agree with you

If it were me he would be my STBXH

This is what i believe too

I just couldn’t stay married to someone like this. I’m sure you knew what he was like and the years and years of destroying his son must have showed you - but hopefully this is the straw that finally breaks you. Basically you need to decide if your husband or your son is your priority as you won’t be able to have both.

I'm glad you and ds are together. He's surely very hurt and you'll need to go at his pace, which sounds like you will.

Re: your dh's disgusting messages to ds, I think you should suggest to ds that he block your dh number so he's not subjected to anymore. You could also message dh and tell him to stop messaging ds immediately.

What you do going forward with dh? I'm not in the 'leave him now' camp purely because life is not that simple. But try to put your ds and yours future relationship first as well as your own future and it may be that both can only be successful without your dh in that picture. If your marriage has generally been good, would your dh be open to professional help with his feelings and views towards ds? People can and do work on themselves and salvage relationships but only your dh can decide if that's something he wants. Bearing in mind, he might seek help and see where he's gone wrong and ds might still not want anything to do with him.

Op, can I ask you some questions?

has he always been like this?
have you just rolled your eyes when he has made yet another slur?
is it just towards your son?
does he say these sort of things towards you too?
what would happen if you answered back?
have you just given up and let him say these vile things?
do you have friends separate from him?
do you have other family?
you are seriously losing your son due to your husband, is that what you want?
are you in a safe environment?

these are what I would ask you, as a friend, in real life.
you need to be your own sons friend and you need to be your very own friend too.

This is a genuine question but will probably come across as sarcastic- it really isn’t.

Statistically how many many like op’s dh do you think genuinely engage with counselling because they want to change their entrenched views? Or they genuinely look at their behaviour and want to change because it is not ok? I’m not asking you directly @MusicCuresAll I’m asking anyone. We see it on here time and time again with posters telling OPs to go to counselling with their abusive (I am using the word abuse to cover all including homophobia, bigotry, racism, sexism plus the ‘usual’ violence, finance, sexual) partners, but does it ever work? Or does the abusive H just learn to hide his abuse better?
I would love to hear from 1 male poster on here who used to be an abusive arsehole, alienated his dc but got counselling to the point he changed his ways (genuinely) and kept his marriage.

Sorry. Maybe that should be a separate thread.