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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asked to leave over DH comments

533 replies

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

OP posts:
TidyCyan · 29/12/2025 13:30

Well you should have stuck to the ultimatum. His nephews are his problem. This is so distressing to read. You can't just stand there feebly protesting while he launches a verbal homophobic attack on them both.

TheGander · 29/12/2025 13:31

This is a crucial juncture for your son’s MH. Your H is homophobic but knows that’s not so acceptable these days so disguises it as concern about the boyfriend. It’s good that you are accepting of your son and his partner at least. I guess all you can do is show unconditional support for DS and model this attitude to your husband and be very clear to him that rejection of his son’s sexuality/ partner will damage any future relationship ( and damage DS).

Goldwren1923 · 29/12/2025 13:31

Reallyti · 29/12/2025 10:31

After my last reply I did go over and apologised to ds and gave them both a hug. Ds said he felt better but he didn't want to talk because he was tired. I was allowed to stay though as long as dh didn't go near him, his stuff or bf, h has been messaging me and ds, last night he said to him that he hopes he's using protection because he could catch all sorts from bf (though he didn't refer to him as bf ) will see what today brings.

Well done.

i think you need to separate from your vile husband though as staying with him will cost you your son

DallazMajor · 29/12/2025 13:34

So let’s get it straight.

Your son struggled with his sexuality as a teenager and attempted suicide. I would guess the reason or partly the reason for his trauma is because he knew his father would react in the way he has. Your son has formed a relationship with a man who sounds like has been supportive and kind. Your son has never previously come out as being gay to you or your husband until now and it’s pretty obvious why. Now he has had the courage to speak about it your husband reacts exactly as every single person reading this thread would have predicted.

your husband is a bullying prick. Is he controlling you ? Has your son been emotionally neglected in his childhood because it sounds that way to me.

Let me give you one piece of advice. Never abandon your son’s emotional needs over a homophobic bullying bigot. I can only assume you’re half way brainwashed by him tbh.

chunkyBoo · 29/12/2025 13:36

I’m sorry but your husband sounds like a controlling bully. Why on earth is he hectoring your child, and his BF? Why isn’t this chap, someone your DH barely knows, ‘wrong’ … I suspect anything g and everything your DS does will
never be good enough unless your DH has full control over it. It’s good he has you, but don’t be an enabler for your DH to ruin your sons life

UncannyFanny · 29/12/2025 13:36

Reallyti · 29/12/2025 12:45

I'm not denying he's homophobic. I just said he's never shown he's homophobic, even when we suspected ds was gay, he'd never said anything off. We just didn't want to ask ds if he wasn't ready to tell us himself

They don't have a good relationship but myself and ds do. I doubt dh would engage in counselling as he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's said. I don't know what to do in the long term, I don't have any family as I'm an only child and parents are gone but I just want to focus on ds for now. As I said ive already given dh ultimatum in the past

And then didn’t go through with it, yes. We read that. I still don’t think you understand the gravity of what has happened and how it could end your own relationship with your son. If you are going to stand any chance of salvaging the relationship with your son, you need to act fast. Time isn’t on your side with this, the poor boy has been alienated enough. Write a letter and go round alone. If there’s no answer put the letter through. At least then you can say you didn’t walk away without a fight. If you sit back and wait for a reply you could lose him forever. Are you really willing to risk that? Is your husband worth it?

IAmKerplunk · 29/12/2025 13:39

UncannyFanny · 29/12/2025 13:36

And then didn’t go through with it, yes. We read that. I still don’t think you understand the gravity of what has happened and how it could end your own relationship with your son. If you are going to stand any chance of salvaging the relationship with your son, you need to act fast. Time isn’t on your side with this, the poor boy has been alienated enough. Write a letter and go round alone. If there’s no answer put the letter through. At least then you can say you didn’t walk away without a fight. If you sit back and wait for a reply you could lose him forever. Are you really willing to risk that? Is your husband worth it?

Show quote history

The op did go round last night and ending up staying with ds and his dp

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/12/2025 13:41

You do have family - the son you gave birth to !

and now you have a choice...

UncannyFanny · 29/12/2025 13:41

Reallyti · 29/12/2025 10:31

After my last reply I did go over and apologised to ds and gave them both a hug. Ds said he felt better but he didn't want to talk because he was tired. I was allowed to stay though as long as dh didn't go near him, his stuff or bf, h has been messaging me and ds, last night he said to him that he hopes he's using protection because he could catch all sorts from bf (though he didn't refer to him as bf ) will see what today brings.

I’m sorry, I didn’t see this post. You’ve done absolutely the right thing as you already know. I’m sorry your husband is still making vile inferences about gays being disease ridden. I hope your husband gets everything from karma that he deserves and more.

beAsensible1 · 29/12/2025 13:42

DH is mannerless and rude.

it’s his first time meeting him ffs, if he has questions he can ask DS but clearly he isn’t close enough to his own son to be privy to his private life.

he is clearly racist and Islamophobic. Disgusting man.

Forty85 · 29/12/2025 13:54

His boyfriend sounds great for him. He supported him through mental health challenges, protects his wellbeing by telling you both to leave when your dh is upsetting your son and he's helped build your sons self esteem so that he has the confidence to stand up to his dick of a dad. Your husband is toxic as fuck.

Greenwitchart · 29/12/2025 13:56

Support your son.

Your husband behaved appalingly and it sounds like he has been doing it for years.

I would bet that his father plays a big part in your son's mental health struggle.

I would not stay in a relationship with a man like this and frankly would have left him years ago...

At least your son has a great boyfriend who supports him and will challenge your husband's behaviour. Now you need to step up and do the same...

Scarlettpixie · 29/12/2025 13:58

Your husband has behaved appallingly. If you want to leave him (and I would), please don't let being an only child or having no living parents be things that make you stay. Those are my circumstances too and sometimes I can be lonely but the sense of peace I feel not being in a shitty marriage is priceless. I have friends and enjoy my own company and have a great relationship with my son who is now at uni. You will have a better relationship with your son if you are not married to a racist homophobe who is constantly quizzing him and giving him a hard time and who is openly critical of his choice of partner (and other life choices no doubt). There is a risk of loosing him altogether otherwise so that for me makes it a no brainer.

Lovingbooks · 29/12/2025 14:05

Reallyti · 29/12/2025 12:45

I'm not denying he's homophobic. I just said he's never shown he's homophobic, even when we suspected ds was gay, he'd never said anything off. We just didn't want to ask ds if he wasn't ready to tell us himself

They don't have a good relationship but myself and ds do. I doubt dh would engage in counselling as he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's said. I don't know what to do in the long term, I don't have any family as I'm an only child and parents are gone but I just want to focus on ds for now. As I said ive already given dh ultimatum in the past

I don’t understand your comment I don’t know what to do long term. Your DH has made a dick of himself tried to humiliate your son and his partner. You see your son and his partner on your own. It’s unlikely your son wants a repeat performance.

silverwrath · 29/12/2025 14:07

Reallyti · 29/12/2025 10:31

After my last reply I did go over and apologised to ds and gave them both a hug. Ds said he felt better but he didn't want to talk because he was tired. I was allowed to stay though as long as dh didn't go near him, his stuff or bf, h has been messaging me and ds, last night he said to him that he hopes he's using protection because he could catch all sorts from bf (though he didn't refer to him as bf ) will see what today brings.

'h has been messaging me and ds'

I'm assuming you've told your son to block his 'father'? And that you're okay with it. In fact you're encouraging it.

This vile man should have no more access to your son. Now or in the future. No messages. No phone calls. No visits.

If your son wants to see you, you go alone. And you don't discuss your husband.

Give your son some peace. It's the least he deserves.

Sorrel212 · 29/12/2025 14:17

Op you need to protect your ds from your dh, if he keeps messaging him and won’t stop, tell ds to block his number. Keep dh away from dh, hopefully his bf will do this too. Even with ultimatums I don’t think your dh will stop his appallingly behaviour and emotional abuse of your ds, because he has serious problems and can’t / won’t see he’s in the wrong. So you have to protect ds from him, as a pp said this is a crucial juncture in your relationship with ds and you could lose him if you don’t give him your full support.

I’d say the red flags were there with dh’s expectations over exams and then leaving university, some people seem to see their children as an extension of themselves as my own dm did, but that’s a whole different issue.

Don’t let things get any worse and get to the stage where your ds decides to cut contact, he’s getting older and now has the support of his bf so could be the first time in his life he feels able to do this (I speak from experience). You might have to have a completely separate relationship with him to your dh now, do whatever it takes not to lose him.

The being unwell, vomiting etc was probably a stress response to your dh, your poor boy

Beezz · 29/12/2025 14:17

I wouldn’t stay married to a homophobic man.

Support your son and do the right thing.

RightSheSaid · 29/12/2025 14:21

Reallyti · 29/12/2025 12:45

I'm not denying he's homophobic. I just said he's never shown he's homophobic, even when we suspected ds was gay, he'd never said anything off. We just didn't want to ask ds if he wasn't ready to tell us himself

They don't have a good relationship but myself and ds do. I doubt dh would engage in counselling as he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's said. I don't know what to do in the long term, I don't have any family as I'm an only child and parents are gone but I just want to focus on ds for now. As I said ive already given dh ultimatum in the past

Follow through on the ultimatum. Your relationship with your son, your sons MH and his wellbeing is more important. If your H wants to maintain his family he will STFU and keep his opinions to himself.

TidyCyan · 29/12/2025 14:24

Also - so what if you don't have any family? Plenty of adults with adult children don't have their parents any more and have siblings long distance or abroad. It doesn't mean you have to stay in a marriage with a bigot.

Sorrel212 · 29/12/2025 14:28

I hope for the sake of his mental health your ds does block your dh and refuse to see him, I’d encourage him to seek therapy too, perhaps even some family therapy with you present too op. I’m not going to say LTB because I appreciate it’s complex and not that straightforward for you, but I couldn’t stay with someone like that. Not unless he acknowledges his harm and genuinely wants to seek help to change and repair the relationship with ds, then I’d give him one more chance to do that.

My child is my number one, but I grew up with an emotionally abusive narc dm so determined to break the cycle

NCTDN · 29/12/2025 14:29

My dh would be devastated if ds said he was gay. But he’d stand by him and if he didn’t, I would stand my my son.

therewasafishinthepercolator · 29/12/2025 14:29

I can't believe he doubled down with the contraception comment. Surely that is the final nail in DH's coffin?

Taking the homophobia and likely islamophobia out of it I could not stand by a man who wilfully hurt my son the way he has. That is one cruel bastard.

I know it's hard and you're scared but show your son he matters. His dad has crossed a line (not for the first time by sounds of it!) and I can't see there's any way back from it. Put your son first. This isn't a small incident. Its your sons wellbeing. Your DH is toxic.

gannett · 29/12/2025 14:31

NCTDN · 29/12/2025 14:29

My dh would be devastated if ds said he was gay. But he’d stand by him and if he didn’t, I would stand my my son.

Why would he be devastated?

"Standing by him" wouldn't really go as far as he thinks it would to counteract the negative emotional reaction.

ChaToilLeam · 29/12/2025 14:35

Glad to hear you went to see your son. Now please put him first, he has been subjected to this bullying father for all his life, no wonder his mental health is fragile. Finally he has found some support from outside the family and his BF sounds lovely.

What will YOU now do? You know you are married to a horrible man, it can't be great for you either but you have always had a choice, your son did not for most of his life.

NCTDN · 29/12/2025 14:36

Because people have different beliefs and he’s very much of the mind that all people are heterosexual.