Asked to leave over DH comments

[Reallyti]

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

Good question and I have no idea! I guess in this context I'm thinking of OP and how she moves forward now in both her marriage and relationship with DS. Could DH doing some serious self reflection and work on himself mean they can continue in their marriage? Only she / he can know / do that. I know the general consensus on here DH is the worst, end marriage, become single and show your on son's side but nothings ever simple when it comes to relationships, love, life.

For avoidance of doubt, I'm not condoning DH's behaviour...I think he is the worst!

Oh I know you’re not - and I agree with your previous post that just leaving the bastard Isn’t always realistic.

I was just musing on the back of your post about counselling.

And you just stood by idly watching your husband attack your son like that?!! What’s the matter with you woman! You side with your son and write him a letter of apology and tell him you love him and will always be there for him. That poor kid - no wonder his mental health suffered with parents like that.

Until you split with your (D)H, your son is always going to keep you at arms length.

Personally, I could never stay with a man as abusive and controlling as your H and you’ve had years to see him for what he is but you’re wilfully blind to his nasty behaviour.

Is he controlling and abusing you too or just DS?

Maybe you need to have counselling so you can work out exactly why you choose to stay with him and hopefully, gain some confidence to leave him.

'I did tell ds I loved him no matter what and I just wanted him to be happy and I did try to hug him but he pushed me away."

Well, obviously. You sided with a nasty bully. You could have told your husband he was being a nasty bully, and stayed to talk with your son and his partner. But your priority was your husband. Your son is building a new family unit where he is accepted and prioritised. He can see that he doesn't have that with you and your husband.

And you’re denying he’s homophobic?

I take further what I said before. He doesn’t have a bad relationship with his son because he doesn’t try.

He has a bad relationship with his son because he is a terrible father. Fucking awful. I feel so sorry for your DS. If you choose to stand by this horrible, horrible man I wouldn’t be surprised if your DS distances from both of you.

This. No question.

Your husband sounds like a complete dick!

It's a really interesting question. Slight derail to this thread but related to your pondering, my mum and I had a strained relationship due to lots of horrible things she did. We discussed it once before she died (by email, she had moved abroad) and her summary was that she'd had some counselling, had come to terms with things and forgiven herself. That led her to think that i should now be all OK and forgiving too and stop thinking about the bad things. So I get that counselling / self reflection doesn't always work if it's just used by the perpetrator to forgive themselves but not actually do the work needed to make amends with victim/s.

I feel for OP and family, there's a lot to untangle here I think but priority should be on op and ds/bf making good.

My dad has also reflected, acknowledged his flaws and what he did wrong and so expects me to follow suit! Though my request for family counselling has been turned down for 30 years 🙈

Weirdly, given the op’s situation - my dad is a right wing, homophobic, racist bigot. But the only people he would accept being a gay leftwing single parent who have dc by more than 1 man who ends up marrying someone of another race/religion are me and my siblings. As he always says ‘it’s not you I mean, you’re different, it’s the others’ Make that make sense to me!

I think you need to stand up for your son more or you risk being cut from his life with your husband. Trying to change the subject while he is being a b*end does not show support to your son. You need to call him out clearly and loudly on his behaviour each and every time (if you dont plan on leaving him.) Hopefully your son does go no contact with him though as he sounds like a horrible bully.

I'm not denying he's homophobic. I just said he's never shown he's homophobic, even when we suspected ds was gay, he'd never said anything off. We just didn't want to ask ds if he wasn't ready to tell us himself

They don't have a good relationship but myself and ds do. I doubt dh would engage in counselling as he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's said. I don't know what to do in the long term, I don't have any family as I'm an only child and parents are gone but I just want to focus on ds for now. As I said ive already given dh ultimatum in the past

I would have dumped h tbh on the grounds of his revolting and disgusting attitude to your son.
I would never tolerate my h saying anything like that about my kids especially as 2 are gay.

You need to follow through on said ultimatums - sorry to say but he's shown himself to be homophobic and racist and if you do stay with your DH you might lose your son for good

It's time to act on that ultimatum. Nothing has changed. He won't change now. When you say you don't know what to do long term, what do you mean? Is it that you don't know how to leave?

How old are? Are you financially OK?
My mum did not leave my dad because of fear of being on her own. And fear of being poor, as she had never worked since marriage, didn't have a clue where to begin. She was of an era and background where divorce still carried a lot greater stigma than now, so she also had the fear of shame and judgement from her friends and family. I was too young and green myself to know where to begin to support her as well as dealing with my father's treatment of me.

My father also thought that was nothing wrong with his racism, misogyny and homophobia. He was nearly 90 when he died last year. I am going to guess by your son's age you are both 50ish, similar age to me. I didn't excuse it in my father, but I at least understood where it had originated. In 2025, it is nothing except bigotry.

Given your husband's objection to 'this man', I suspect his race and religion are the main 'problems'. Which is no less unacceptable.

Anyway, none of this is going to get resolved overnight, however many here shout LTB. The most important thing is that you stand by your son. Your marriage is a question for another day, and what you need to do about it will become clear with a bit of tîme.

He’s an islamophobe and disgusting! We need to call it for what it is… he’s happy if his son was with anyone but ‘him’, and then also that he might catch something from ‘him’. Where was your husband anyway when your son was this lowest? He is embarrassing

My first ever LTB. Your 'D'H is a disgrace and you risk alienating your son for life if you allow this. No wonder your poor son has had issues with a father like that. You should have done more to stand up for him earlier, if I'm being brutally honest.

Oh wow

He's doubling down on his homophobic, racist behaviour

I'm so sorry

Your son is the bridge you need to mend first. How your ds and also your H (assuming neither of them want to repair their relationship) deal with you having separate relationships with them both I think will clarify things for you regarding your marriage. Once you can see how your new future (now it is all out in the open) will look like then you can make your decision re your H.

I would absolutely go out of my way to stay in touch with your ds now though, and visit more (both without H - he doesn’t deserve to know anything about your ds) so that he is under no illusion that you are his priority and he has your 100% support as does his dp

It's not an ultimatum if you don't follow through with it. It's just an empty threat.

Oh the old 'I'm fine about everything now..and so should you be'!

This!
I can't believe OP stayed with this 'D'H throughout all these years of making the son miserable.

We don't know what her situation is like either. I suspect she's very unhappy and it's not always easy to get out of an abusive marriage