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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling with Dad’s new friend.

107 replies

Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:22

So my DM passed away in 2013. She was a wonderful woman, wise, kind, minded her own business, strong and determined. Dad, who is now nearly 80, has found himself a companion, she is a nice enough lady, very quiet, easy going, is very good with my DC I must admit, but I am struggling a little bit with just how much time she spends at DF’s home (our old family home) she stays a few nights here and there, but over Christmas she has stayed for nearly a fortnight. She came to ours with DF for Christmas lunch and stayed for the afternoon which was nice. We usually spend a few days at dads house over Christmas for the kids to play etc, but I went yesterday and must admit I struggled to watch her put the kettle on for us, cook with mums dishes, she had her jewerlly on my DM’s dressing table and it just felt a bit of a kick in the stomach for mum. Im glad DF has company, she is good to him, AIBU to have these feelings?

OP posts:
BIWI · 28/12/2025 11:26

If you’d said your mum died in 2023 I might have a bit more sympathy. But it was 12 years ago! Your dad deserves to be happy, surely?

ColinOfficeTrolley · 28/12/2025 11:27

I think after being on his own for over a decade, it is fantastic that he has met, by the sounds of it, a very lovely companion.

It might make you feel uncomfortable and your feelings are your feelings so nobody can say they're right or wrong.

But she's not replacing your mum in any way, shape or form and your dad is entitled to have her move in if he wants to.

You'll get more used to it in time and just be thankful he's found someone to share his elderly years with.

grinchmcgrinchface · 28/12/2025 11:27

sorry op but it was 13 years ago, your dad deserves to be happy. This is a you problem.

Original poster
Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:27

BIWI · 28/12/2025 11:26

If you’d said your mum died in 2023 I might have a bit more sympathy. But it was 12 years ago! Your dad deserves to be happy, surely?

He does, i am glad he has company i really am, im just struggling a bit, ill get used to it im sure.

OP posts:
Dolamroth · 28/12/2025 11:27

Kindly, a bit unreasonable. But I understand it must be hard to watch.

If your dad is happy and his friend is nice then you have to try and let it go. Your mum sounds lovely and would want you all to be happy.

Original poster
Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:28

grinchmcgrinchface · 28/12/2025 11:27

sorry op but it was 13 years ago, your dad deserves to be happy. This is a you problem.

Oh it 100% is a me problem i know that

OP posts:
Goldengirl123 · 28/12/2025 11:28

I can’t vote either way as I was in the same position so I know exactly how you feel.

rubyslippers · 28/12/2025 11:28

I think it’s natural to feel a little strange but kindly it’s been the best part of 13 years and of course your dad wants her around

SwanNecked · 28/12/2025 11:29

Well, you feel how you feel, but I’d regard it as my issue to come to terms with, rather than anything this woman is doing wrong.

Original poster
Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:29

Goldengirl123 · 28/12/2025 11:28

I can’t vote either way as I was in the same position so I know exactly how you feel.

Thank you, it’s conflicting emitions, i am happy for him but feel uncomfortable as well

OP posts:
JMSA · 28/12/2025 11:29

A wee bit unreasonable, but understandable I think Flowers

winter8090 · 28/12/2025 11:30

Your feelings are perfectly natural. Embrace them and allow yourself to feel that way.

But also be happy your DF has found some companionship. It’s a lonely life otherwise.

Clockyclockz · 28/12/2025 11:31

I think it’s quite normal tbh. Of course you are happy for you dad to have company but it’s seeing another woman doing things in your family home that is jarring.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 28/12/2025 11:31

Imagine if you had been widowed 13 years ago and you were being criticised for moving on

Original poster
Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:32

Hobnobswantshernameback · 28/12/2025 11:31

Imagine if you had been widowed 13 years ago and you were being criticised for moving on

Im not criticising

OP posts:
Clockyclockz · 28/12/2025 11:32

Hobnobswantshernameback · 28/12/2025 11:31

Imagine if you had been widowed 13 years ago and you were being criticised for moving on

Except that’s not what the OP is doing.…

Minjou · 28/12/2025 11:33

Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:27

He does, i am glad he has company i really am, im just struggling a bit, ill get used to it im sure.

Show quote history

You can have all the feelings that you have. You can find it difficult, you can completely hate it. It's normal to feel like that.

The important thing is how you act, not how you feel. They are two completely different things

YourZippyHare · 28/12/2025 11:34

Sounds like you are seeing your dad a bit as a 'role' in your own life rather than his own person. He's not just your dad, and this isn't about you. He deserves his own happiness.

Poodleville · 28/12/2025 11:34

It's clear you don't begrudge your father companionship and happiness AND it's still hard to see someone else in the space your mother left behind. It sounds like part of grieving still.

Imgoingtobefree · 28/12/2025 11:35

These feelings are entirely normal. Your head says one thing, your heart another.

Time is the process where you transition from your childhood home being a place where you could remember your mum, to a place where another person has ‘taken’ her place.

Perhaps you can get something from your childhood home or old photos and use those to invoke all the happy memories of your mum. Just because someone dies a long time ago, doesn’t mean you stop missing them.

SarahAndQuack · 28/12/2025 11:35

It's not about 'reasonable'.

You feel the way you feel; that's fine.

You would be unreasonable to show it at all, to him or to her.

I also don't think you are describing her spending a 'lot' of time there. Your dad could perfectly well have remarried and moved in with her by now; some people would. Maybe he doesn't want to; maybe she doesn't want to; maybe they will and maybe they won't. But I think you probably need to make sure you are being extra welcoming to her (given you do seem to feel she's genuinely nice and a positive force in your dad's life).

Absolutely normal for it to stir up sadness about your mum, though. Of course.

TheWonderhorse · 28/12/2025 11:35

I could never vote YABU because of course that's going to sting a little. That's not to say that your DF is BU either. It's going to take some adjustment but it's lovely that your father has found someone to share his days.

I hope you come to accept her fully in time, but allow yourself that time.

DaisyChain505 · 28/12/2025 11:36

You can feel the way you feel that’s fine but you’d be unreasonable to voice it.

gogomomo2 · 28/12/2025 11:37

Yes you are being unreasonable, you know you are but it’s completely understandable too so don’t be harsh on yourself about it, we can all be unreasonable at times. The important thing is to keep the feelings to yourself and anonymous forums and be careful how you are in real life. It sounds like she is a lovely companion for him.

its hard for all children to see their parent with another partner, even years later and when their ex left them even. My dc didn’t find it easy when I met my now dh despite their dad dumping me! Ultimately they came around but I know they had to be diplomatic at first, seeing my now dh sat at the table where their dad used to sit etc - and this was them as adults and they were quite aware he had swanned off, where a parent has died it’s even harder to see. Perhaps ask your dad to spend a little time with just you occasionally and the rest of the time accept his relationship

Waitingfordoggo · 28/12/2025 11:37

I don’t think you are unreasonable for having these feelings- especially as you have not said that you’ve acted on those feelings at all. I think I would feel the same.

Your Mum sounds like a really good woman- does it help to think about how she would feel about your Dad having a companion? She would perhaps be happy that he is not alone. (I know this is how I’d feel about the idea of my DH meeting someone else if I’d died)

Hopefully it will get easier with time. 💐