Struggling with Dad’s new friend.

[Sunnywinterdays1]

So my DM passed away in 2013. She was a wonderful woman, wise, kind, minded her own business, strong and determined. Dad, who is now nearly 80, has found himself a companion, she is a nice enough lady, very quiet, easy going, is very good with my DC I must admit, but I am struggling a little bit with just how much time she spends at DF’s home (our old family home) she stays a few nights here and there, but over Christmas she has stayed for nearly a fortnight. She came to ours with DF for Christmas lunch and stayed for the afternoon which was nice. We usually spend a few days at dads house over Christmas for the kids to play etc, but I went yesterday and must admit I struggled to watch her put the kettle on for us, cook with mums dishes, she had her jewerlly on my DM’s dressing table and it just felt a bit of a kick in the stomach for mum. Im glad DF has company, she is good to him, AIBU to have these feelings?

I sympathise very much OP. It was excruciating to me seeing another woman cooking with mum's favourite pans and driving her car. Just hang on in there and it will get easier as you get to know her better and appreciate that she's making your dad happier.

Christ. What is wrong with you?! She doesn’t come across like that at all.

Feelings can be nuanced. She wants her Dad to be happy, and appreciates on an intellectual level that it’s been over a decade. But, she’s still struggling with some feelings about it. As people are not robots. All of that is perfectly understandable to anyone with an ounce of empathy, surely?

You are not unreasonable; it's how you feel and I would also feel the same.

You are also not unreasonable because you acknowledge how you feel, and also recognise that.your Dad's new companion is a pleasant woman.

I don’t think she comes across like that at all. OP sounds like she’s the product of great parents and a solid, secure upbringing in a happy home.

Some people are used to multiple partners and dysfunctional relationships and seeing parent’s latest squeeze come and go.

But if you’re not used to a split family and have been brought up by two people throughout your life it can be gut wrenching to see someone replace your (in this case) Mum’s shoes. Yes her Mum died a while ago, and if her Dad has been on his own for 12 years, OP probably thought that’s how he would carry on. To see another woman in her Mum’s house after a lifetime of two steady parents must be a shock and take some getting used to.

Your Mum died in 2013. You're not being reasonable.

You are not unreasonable, nor is your dad. I find it incredibly difficult just visiting my dad in our family home because I see mum in everything - even though it’s been 17 years. He hasn’t changed anything so it’s hard not to. I completely understand this is difficult for you. I would talk to both of them if I were you and say you are so happy for them that they have each other and X is SO lovely, but sometimes it’s a bit difficult seeing X in the same homely space you saw your mum in for so many years. I bet you anything they will both completely understand where you are coming from. Until you’ve got used to the new dynamics, it might be worth meeting up elsewhere. Be kind to yourself, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling.

Something I’ve noticed as a parent is that often our children do not see us as individuals, as people with our own needs & hopes - rather as adjuncts to them. This can result in selfish behaviour from children, because they just do not see our feelings. We are the background to their lives, rather than characters in our own story, so they need us to remain the same, unchanging, sources of stability for them, not people in our own right. We are ‘support humans’ you could say.

My own children for instance I know are somewhat resentful of my partner - they don’t see the joy he brings to my life, the support or the kindness, just the fact that he has ‘replaced’ their father.

I do think this is something that adult children need to work on, & that it’s not enough to say ‘oh, your feelings are your feelings, they can’t be unreasonable’.

Maybe feelings can’t be unreasonable, but sometimes we still need to speak firmly to ourselves and put them aside, recognising that they have their roots in childhood, and are not respectful of the rights and individuality of others. I think that is the position the OP is in - this is about recognising her father as an individual separate to her, with needs of his own. These feelings may arise, but they need to be put aside.

Feelings don't always operate in the confines of chronological time.

Would you have liked all the contents of the house slung out including your mum's dressing table off to the dump ?
I'm guessing not .
I don't have either of my parents alive , and other than a few bits from their home , everything had to go .
Be happy that your dad has a lady friend and a companion as I'm sure you would rather him and the house contents to have life going on around him / them .

Is this the first proper partner he’s had since your mum died, or at least the first one that seems to be living the life your mum should’ve had?

It can be quite jarring to see someone else in the place of your loved one. In your head and heart it’s still, mum’s house/kitchen/plates/bed/dressing table so the juxtaposition of someone else using them can bea mindfuck and hurtful even if you know it’s completely unreasonable. There can be feelings of guilt and misplaced loyalty too.

@Skybluepinky was that really necessary?

OP it's very clear from your post that it's your feelings you're talking about and not the situation - despite what those who clearly have no reading comprehension are trying to imply🙄
I was raised by my grandparents and my amazing, wonderful, best in the whole world Grandad died nearly 5 yrs ago.
My Nana now has a friend/companion that she has been seeing for about 5/6 months and while he's a lovely man, I too find it hard being around them and seeing them as a couple as I just keep thinking "That should be Grandad, he should be here, not you"!!!
He was sitting in his chair when we called in before Christmas and I found it really hard not to say "Oi, get the fuck out of my Grandads chair"😂 but of course I didn't.
We host Christmas and when I asked my Nana would he be coming she was a bit stunned and said no, that it was way to soon to be including him into such a wider family occasion - I absolutely would have welcomed him in for her sake but was also relieved at the same time that he wasn't coming.
He spent the day with his own children and grandchildren but did come over to ours in the evening.
I will never say or do anything to upset or make her feel bad or awkward (or him for that matter) as you won't with your Dad, so long as she is, and he makes her, happy, that's all I need - still won't change how I feel.

You aren't alone, I have the same issue.

I don't understand the unreasonable vote tbh. You are not unreasonable to feel this way, and you haven't said anything horrible about this woman. Just try to think she's making your dad happy and your mum wouldn't want him to be unhappy (I presume)

Where has she criticised??

You're quoting me, so...

OP is an adult. She has her own life and is getting upset because her dad has his girlfriend, yes girlfriend, not 'friend' or 'companion', over to stay. Her mum died 12 years ago. I know very well that grief never fully goes away (I was widowed young), but something's wrong when you're getting so upset by somebody making a cup of tea in your dad's house after so long.

She came here to ask if she was being unreasonable, and my opinion is that she is.

I would say just try and change your thought process.
Your Mum sounds like she was a lovely kind lady and would surely have wanted your Dad to be happy in what’s left of his life, so would she not be happy for him that he had found someone else to be happy with? It takes nothing away from what they had together.
When my own husband was dying many years ago he told me that he hoped I would find someone else special in the future to have fun with and not to feel guilty.
Surely if you truly love someone you would want them to be happy after you’ve gone?
Be happy for your Dad -I’m sure your Mum would be.

It was 12yrs ago. Be happy your dad has met someone

I was widowed 3yrs before my dad and god it was lonely. Every one else’s lives went on and so they should - but going back to an empty house after being out was hard

I would love my dad to meet someone. As a companion or lover - he has friends. Keeps his self busy but it is not the same as coming home and spending every evening by self

your dad was widowed late 60’s / thats still so young

would you feel happier if he sold up and moved and brought a diff house ?

I do get it must be strange seeing a lady use her stuff - maybe your dad needs to buy a new kettle plates etc

but in the long run this is a good thing and will make your dad happy and not be alone

I think there may be an element of you subconsciously thinking that after 13yrs he likely wouldn't find anyone or be looking, that it would have happened sooner than this.

It's hard, even if you know logically that your dad has every right to move on.
And you will have to get used to the fact that he is sharing his bedroom with someone else, and so you shouldn't be in there, if that's where you saw your Mum's dressing table with the ladyfriend's jewellery on it.
Seeing her cook with your mum's pans etc juxtaposed next to the fact that your Mum is gone is bound to make you remember your Mum. All you can really do is to allow yourself to feel that, and then deliberately move on, remind yourself that you are pleased that Dad isn't by himself anymore. Your Mum sounds like she was a fab woman, and hopefully your Dad has picked another good person.

I can see where you're coming from Op. You essentially felt like a guest in your family home.

People tend to disagree with me but her physical actions would have made me uncomfortable too....turning on the kettle for you as though you were an outsider, cooking with your mothers dishes, essentially signaling or behaving as though it was her space now. A bit insensitive. I would understand if she behaved like that privately but definitely not in front of adult children who grew up there and have come back for Christmas. I think she should have stepped back for the day and allowed your dad to take the lead but it seems as though she really inserted herself.

I think if I was with an widower, I would be extremley conscious of the children and adult children...and would do anything not to appear as though I was crossing boundaries. Esp at Christmas which is when grief surfaces.

People won't agree with me here but something in my gut would tell me something is off...she might not be aware of how she is coming across.

I just wanted to send you big hugs. I don’t care how long it has been, seeing someone else in your mums place must be so hard - I find it hard enough visiting my DF’s house now mum isn’t there and I can’t imagine how much harder that would be with someone else in it. That doesn’t mean you can’t be pleased for your dad at the same time. But just be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel what you need to and hopefully it will become less uncomfortable over time.

I was you but my mum had passed away less time. I found it extremely difficult but I was pleased my dad had some company and wasn’t lonely any more

It's fine to have these feelings, so long as you keep them absolutely to yourself and never ever let your df or her know you are feeling them.

No one can police how we feel. However, you would be a bad person if you were to ruin your father's old age due to your own feelings.

You are allowed to feel as you do OP
Must be very hard indeed seeing your dad's gf occupying all the spaces and home rituals at your family home.
Don't beat yourself up OP.
Your mum was a very special lady and can never be replaced.
Hold on to the memories.
Take care OP