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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling with Dad’s new friend.

107 replies

Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:22

So my DM passed away in 2013. She was a wonderful woman, wise, kind, minded her own business, strong and determined. Dad, who is now nearly 80, has found himself a companion, she is a nice enough lady, very quiet, easy going, is very good with my DC I must admit, but I am struggling a little bit with just how much time she spends at DF’s home (our old family home) she stays a few nights here and there, but over Christmas she has stayed for nearly a fortnight. She came to ours with DF for Christmas lunch and stayed for the afternoon which was nice. We usually spend a few days at dads house over Christmas for the kids to play etc, but I went yesterday and must admit I struggled to watch her put the kettle on for us, cook with mums dishes, she had her jewerlly on my DM’s dressing table and it just felt a bit of a kick in the stomach for mum. Im glad DF has company, she is good to him, AIBU to have these feelings?

OP posts:
OpheliaNightingale · 28/12/2025 11:37

@Sunnywinterdays1you can be both, happy your dad is happy, but also grief isn’t linear. Christmas is a time when we feel our losses more acutely. Seeing this lady in this context, in your family home is going to take a little getting used to..

SweeetFannyAdams · 28/12/2025 11:37

Totally understandable OP, it'll just take a bit of getting used to that's all Flowers

JoeySchoolOfActing · 28/12/2025 11:39

I think the amount of time passing is irrelevant and your feelings are entirely normal and valid.
I'm really sorry for your loss,. You sound a lovely person who is able to see the good your Dad's companion is bringing to his and your children's lives.
I hope it gets easier for you in time.

BillieWiper · 28/12/2025 11:39

Well it seems he's got a new girlfriend and if things carry on she may move in with him.

Unless she seems like a gold digger, or to be cruel, rude, unkind or controlling, you really have to just let him get on with it.

She'll never replace your lovely mum. But your DF does deserve to have a partner/companion whatever you want to call it. Your mum wouldn't have wanted him to face his last years alone?

Just be supportive and make sure you have open dialogue with him. As much as is possible with older people and talking about relationships to their kids.

gogomomo2 · 28/12/2025 11:40

I’d also remind you that it’s probably stirring up grief your had tried to bury if you know what I mean, it’s a visual representation that your mum isn’t here anymore. Be kind to yourself, but remember your dads happiness is paramount

happinessischocolate · 28/12/2025 11:40

The problem is I think that she’s in your mums home. If your dad had moved after you mum died and had got rid of the dressing table etc then I think you would find this a bit easier.

it’s always going to be hard the first few times she puts the kettle in in your mums kitchen but it will get easier.

she’s sounds lovely, and it just sound like you’re missing your mum

cockandbullstories · 28/12/2025 11:43

You are not there on what could be long lonely days, nights and mornings. He deserves to be happy plus if she's looking after him then you need to do less.

UncannyFanny · 28/12/2025 11:45

Of course it will raise feelings but this was over a decade ago, which does change things. I would never expect my DH to spend the rest of his life alone and lonely only ever thinking of his loyalty to me. I’d want him to find love again and find happiness now that I’m gone. Maybe use the new year as a chance to look into some therapy for your own feelings. Unfortunately when people die life still has to carry on for the ones left behind.

FamBae · 28/12/2025 11:45

I changed my vote to you are not being unreasonable, your feelings are just that, your feelings and on reflection I may well feel the same if I was in your position. It's now about how you deal with those feelings going forward, I think you need to keep them private and be pleased your df has some company and happiness after being on his own for so long 💐

PoppyFleur · 28/12/2025 11:46

I couldn’t vote YABU because grief is a personal thing and doesn’t have a time limit. However, I think you know that these feelings are unfair on your father who deserves happiness and companionship in his remaining years. Be kind to yourself but an try to be happy for your dad.

Clockyclockz · 28/12/2025 11:47

He's not just your dad, and this isn't about you. He deserves his own happiness

Genuinely how do people read the OP and this is their take away?

Hello39 · 28/12/2025 11:47

Yanbu unreasonable to notice and feel it. Let yourself do that. Obviously uwbvu to say anything. But its definitely OK to miss your mum at Christmas or any time and notice the changes.

Gamerlady · 28/12/2025 11:47

I can understand where you're coming from. Your feelings are valid and takes time its a big adjustment, but I'd be happy that my dad has found love again. She will never replace your mum.

WaltzingWaters · 28/12/2025 11:51

I completely understand how you feel - my lovely mum passed away 6 years ago, and 3 years ago my dad started seeing someone else who he’s now very serious with. His new partner is absolutely lovely and an amazing match for him, I’m so happy they’ve found each other. But it’s still difficult at times to have her at Christmas gatherings and meeting my new baby when I wish it were my mum there.
Of course you would be unreasonable to say something to either your dad or his new partner, and it’s something you need to come to terms with. Your dad deserves to be happy with someone else after so long alone. But it’s also a natural way to feel, so don’t beat yourself up over it.

Original poster
Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:52

happinessischocolate · 28/12/2025 11:40

The problem is I think that she’s in your mums home. If your dad had moved after you mum died and had got rid of the dressing table etc then I think you would find this a bit easier.

it’s always going to be hard the first few times she puts the kettle in in your mums kitchen but it will get easier.

she’s sounds lovely, and it just sound like you’re missing your mum

I think your right, she worked so so hard to make it into a wonderful home for us, your right I miss her so so much I never really thought about it, life just took over.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 28/12/2025 11:54

Are you worried this lady friend is taking advantage of your dad? It happens. How much younger is the friend?

TheSunRisesInTheEast · 28/12/2025 11:54

Your feelings are completely normal. You were lucky to have had loving parents who gave you a loving and happy life. Be thankful that after spending years living alone, your dad has found happiness with another lady who is making his life happy and fulfilling, having someone to share his life in his elderly years, holidays, theatre, days and meals out etc. You have your memories of your mum, and your dad does too, but let him live out his life with this lady who loves him too xx

billybear · 28/12/2025 11:56

my mum died of cancer within 2 weeks dad was meeting this old lady for a meal.broke ,me she really was terrible he then moved her in changed his will to make sure she had money if he died first, she hated me would let me visit for more than half an hour, your dad waited a long time to meet someone, let him have a bit of happiness i know it hurts

Original poster
Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:56

Silverbirchleaf · 28/12/2025 11:54

Are you worried this lady friend is taking advantage of your dad? It happens. How much younger is the friend?

Oh no, they are a similar age, shes a little bit younger but not much. She does have her own children and they have children so I wasn’t sure of their relationship and why she has not seen them over the Xmas period but I don’t like to ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 11:57

billybear · 28/12/2025 11:56

my mum died of cancer within 2 weeks dad was meeting this old lady for a meal.broke ,me she really was terrible he then moved her in changed his will to make sure she had money if he died first, she hated me would let me visit for more than half an hour, your dad waited a long time to meet someone, let him have a bit of happiness i know it hurts

I am so sorry, that sounds so traumatic

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 28/12/2025 11:59

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel sad and odd about it. It would be unreasonable to be unpleasant to her or whinge at your dad but feelings just are what they are. You'll get used to it and it will get easier.

Skybluepinky · 28/12/2025 12:01

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Moveoverdarlin · 28/12/2025 12:02

I one hundred percent understand. My parents have been married 59 years, it would kill me to see another woman pottering around my Mum’s kitchen and our family home. I’m sure she’s very nice and there’s nothing you can do but you are not being unreasonable at all to feel like this.

SweeetFannyAdams · 28/12/2025 12:02

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Don't be so nasty.

And if you read the thread, the OP very much does want her dad to be happy.

She's just struggling with new feelings which are perfectly understandable, especially at this time of year.

Original poster
Sunnywinterdays1 · 28/12/2025 12:03

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Oh wow, thats not how it is at all! :(

OP posts: