Struggling with Dad’s new friend.

[Sunnywinterdays1]

So my DM passed away in 2013. She was a wonderful woman, wise, kind, minded her own business, strong and determined. Dad, who is now nearly 80, has found himself a companion, she is a nice enough lady, very quiet, easy going, is very good with my DC I must admit, but I am struggling a little bit with just how much time she spends at DF’s home (our old family home) she stays a few nights here and there, but over Christmas she has stayed for nearly a fortnight. She came to ours with DF for Christmas lunch and stayed for the afternoon which was nice. We usually spend a few days at dads house over Christmas for the kids to play etc, but I went yesterday and must admit I struggled to watch her put the kettle on for us, cook with mums dishes, she had her jewerlly on my DM’s dressing table and it just felt a bit of a kick in the stomach for mum. Im glad DF has company, she is good to him, AIBU to have these feelings?

Very gently, yes YABU. It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, but you need to work through them for your dad’s sake.

I think your feelings are valid. I also imagine you feel torn in two also. One part wants to see your dad happy but the other part of you misses your mum. Also remember you saw your mum a lot longer in this house than the new partner. It's going to feel strange for a long while.

Ive also changed my vote to YANBU as you sound like you're having a normal emotional reaction, just as long as you don't let on to your dad.

My mum was without my Dad for 28 years when she died ( he died quite young ) she didn't even as much go for a coffee with another man and carried on living by herself in the same house.
It would have been strange for me for her to have another man about , but I'm sad she never tried to date anyone .

I think part of growing up is seeing your parents as separate people with their own lives; but I totally feel for you when you say that you of course miss your mum so much and this companion really highlights that gap and your loss.

The other way of looking at it is that your dad lets you into the day to day aspects of his life and that is to be treasured. It might sound something normal and natural but not all families have that. What I mean is your bond and love for your dad is still there all the same and he is not hiding any aspect of his life, even though it is different now. I do think that matters as well.

It is also okay to have two or more competing emotions at the same time. You don’t need to reconcile them, it is possible to have space for different feelings and that is okay.

You're feelings are valid but you are being unreasonable to be honest your dad has been alone for a long time he's in his older age now and should have some happiness you need to try and move past this yes it'll hurt seeing the new women in his life touching using your mother's items but I'm sure your mum would want your dad to be happy after being alone for so long

I understand, and feel sad for you, OP. However, you don't live in that house. You picture it with your Mum in in, and your Mum using her crockery, cooking in the kitchen etc. Your dDad has has 12 years of living there on his own - he might feel it more as HIS home, and HIS crockery. He might have felt really lonely and sad that there was no need to use the best dishes (since he was eating a solitary meal). He might really love that another woman is gracing it with her presence, and getting out the things that your Mum valued.

It doesn't lessen the love that he had for your dMum.

I have a neighbour in the same situation. He (in his 80's) has a new partner, but last week he still cried on the anniversary of his deceased wife's birthday. His love remains strong, and he also has joy and love from his new friend.