Struggling with Dad’s new friend.

[Sunnywinterdays1]

So my DM passed away in 2013. She was a wonderful woman, wise, kind, minded her own business, strong and determined. Dad, who is now nearly 80, has found himself a companion, she is a nice enough lady, very quiet, easy going, is very good with my DC I must admit, but I am struggling a little bit with just how much time she spends at DF’s home (our old family home) she stays a few nights here and there, but over Christmas she has stayed for nearly a fortnight. She came to ours with DF for Christmas lunch and stayed for the afternoon which was nice. We usually spend a few days at dads house over Christmas for the kids to play etc, but I went yesterday and must admit I struggled to watch her put the kettle on for us, cook with mums dishes, she had her jewerlly on my DM’s dressing table and it just felt a bit of a kick in the stomach for mum. Im glad DF has company, she is good to him, AIBU to have these feelings?

There are two sets of emotions here - you are glad your dad has a companion and wouldn’t want him to be lonely.
But I think especially for women our old family home brings up all sorts of emotions.
Yes, it’s not practical to replace everything your mum used, but I get it’s very poignant to see another woman use her pots and pans.
I don’t think the man involved even notices.
This is about you and your mum, and you have been very honest here. You’ve talked about it here rather than voice it to your dad.
You miss your mum. Whether it’s been three years or three decades, this time of year brings up these emotions, and memories of your mum in the kitchen, for example.
The lady in question hasn’t given it a thought that it might be upsetting for you, but as long as she’s good to your dad, and you and your family, that really matters.

100pc agree with this post.
Thank you

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel what you do as long as you don't express this to your father. He deserves companionship just as mush as you deserve to feel the way you do, find a supportive friend to sound off to but never tell him.

Therapy will help but I totally understand how hard this would be, it makes total sense you’d find it hard at such an emotive time of the year.

i am in the same position and completely understand how you are feeling, i think it’s normal to have conflicting emotions. happy that your dad has company but if you haven’t lost your mum you will never understand how it feels to see their place being taken, those saying ‘but it’s been 13 years’ obviously haven’t lost theirs 💕

I think there is a lot of truth in this.

I realised this with my own children. They do want me to be happy- but ideally with nothing changing, everything just the way it was, and in the same place so they can return to the happy childhood they remember (even though at the time they cried and moaned a lot!) If you move on too fast, everyone tuts, if you move on a decade later everyone likes the status quo. If you get rid of stuff, it's disrespectful, if you don't get rid of stuff, it's like a mausoleum; if you sell the family house they have lost that family home; if you don't sell it, then they will always remember the person who is lost there...basically, whatever you do, death and grief is hard and children struggle with it! This is normal and necessary and I don't think whatever you do you can fully solve it as a parent.

My parents got divorced and I did find it a bit difficult seeing my mum with her new partner, but got over it pretty quickly, I think keeping in mind that otherwise that parent will be facing life on their own which may not be what they want is a good way to start accepting what is.

You aren't wrong though to have a pang or two when you see her using your childhood crockery that your mum used to use. It isn't rational for them to move house, erase your mum (and you wouldn't want that), get all new furniture and crockery and so on, but it still leads to a bit of pang in your chest, and that's ok, OP.

@BoundaryGirl3939 I completely disagree, if someone lives in that home then that's the person who should be turning on the kettle too, I mean you just have to cut people slack, you can't expect a nearly 80 year old who is welcoming and nice to know to stop turning the kettle on! I've noticed this a lot on Mumsnet, people appear to expect others not only to be mind-readers but do and say all manner of things to accommodate them. If she hadn't put on the kettle, then the OP would have said she wasn't welcoming!

You can't win both as a parent, and as a woman, and there's a little bit of that here- this woman has dared to go into the OP's family home, well, the OP must be pretty middle-aged herself if her dad is nearly 80 and so it's not realistic, she hasn't lived there probably for 30 years!

Its fine to feel like that, just dont let it spoil your happiness for your dad - who clearly sounds like he can pick good uns. Both your lovely mum and this lady whos making a good effort with you all

You are not unreasonable to feel like this inside at all. But outwardly you need to support your dad.
my in laws were ridiculous about grandad (their dad) starting a new relationship when their mum died. They were both widowed and actually grandad was going downhill v fast. He lost stones in weight and a manageable health condition he has flared like mad. I think he would have died on his own. Instead they got 19 years so far of him having a pretty decent life.

Of course it’s going to be hard for you and will take a while to adjust, but his wife passed away 12 years ago. He has one life. He deserves to be happy.

She doesn't live in the home though.

I'm sure Op would have just turned on the kettle herself, but the vibe I'm getting was that this woman acted as though she was woman of the house. Which can come across as intrusive...whether that was the intent or not.

And it has nothing to do with being a woman. I would feel uncomfortable if a man started acting like that in my deceased dad's space whilst we, his adult children, were there.

Op, you are doing nothing wrong by feeling this way. Its ok to let these feeling come to the surface. I dont agree with posters essentially telling you to suppress your emotions and get over it. You're not wrong to feel this way.

Your feelings are totally valid and expected, it will ease with time as these things do ☺️

My father didn’t have the decency to wait 13 days let alone 13 years. I have felt all the feelings - I tried to be welcoming to the woman he was clearly involved with before my mother died but she decided that we were surplus to her plans for her new family and she encouraged my father to drop us. As long as she’s kind and respectful try and embrace it. Chances are if you didn’t you will lose your dad.

I find that it’s often the other way about. That because the parent is happy with their new partner they expect their children(Adult or not) to be happy about it too, or at least comfortable with it, you see the same with stepfamilies too, forgetting that they can get a new husband/wife/partner but that the relationship their child had with their Mother or Father is truly irreplaceable and ignoring how incredibly painful it can be to see someone taking their place. Their needs are met and they don’t really care about how their children feel about it.

I’ve seen that situation a few times in my extended family and in one in particularly the new partner arrogantly took over the house and tried to act as though it’d always been his and was totally dismissive of the trauma my 4 cousins had suffered. An attempt at sensitivity and understanding of how painful it is for the children of the deceased may have helped considerably but he made it pretty clear that he didn’t give a toss about what they’d just suffered.

And no, you are not unreasonable, OP. It’s natural that you find these things painful even if you are simultaneously pleased that he has a companion.

I get it might be hard for you, but how lovely that your dad has found a partner. Loneliness is the last thing you’d want for him.

@first2025

those saying ‘but it’s been 13 years’ obviously haven’t lost theirs

Actually, I have. My dad was never the same after my mum died, and I would have given anything for him to find someone else, before he died.

My mum died when I was a kid, my dad remarried a few years later. Initially I was upset, but I did come to understand that life has to go on. He deserved happiness, when I left home a few years later, I was glad that he had companionship, that he was loved that he wasn't lonely sitting in the house by himself. When he died my stepmother put on his grave, ' In memory of a fond and affectionate husband and father'. My mum my dad and my stepmother are all buried together. He's with the 2 women who loved him.
I'm telling you this because if she is good and loving and good for him, then that is what matters. Some people don't remarry or have another relationship, some do. If he's happy try to be happy for him.

Let your Dad enjoy life. Until you’ve lost your 24/7 person you have no idea of what it feels like. 😉

People want companionship and company. Unless you are prepared to step up and see him 5 times a week to make sure he isnt lonely then he will find company elsewhere, and with that then comes a want to spend holidays together.

She is happy for him as she said in her OP. That doesn’t mean that she can’t find also find it painful at times, seeing another woman in her Mother’s former home, using the same items that she did.

then i assume you can also understand the conflicting emotions of wanting your dad to be happy but also feeling the pain of your mum being replaced. it’s possible to feel both these things at the same time

I think that the time that has passed until your dad has found h to us companion is part of the problem.

My dad remarried within 3 years of my mum’s death. The big difference is my mum and dad were 45, and I was almost 23 when she died.

The thing I found hard was going back to mum and dad’s house. We’d lived there since I was 15, and her not being there was so hard. I was a little relieved when he sold the house and he and my step mum bought a house together, that had no connection with my mum. Much of their furniture was my step mum’s too, as her dad had been a carpenter. BUT, on their wedding day, almost 4 years after my mum died, I was still in the ladies’ toilets sobbing on my dad’s sister’s shoulder (my husband was abroad serving with the RAF.)

In the end, as a PP said, your feelings are your feelings and no one else can see them, it’s your behaviour that counts right now. Your dad clearly likes this lady, but even if she’s only around for another 6 months and then decide to split up, it’s okay. Your dad deserves to have friends and even a little bit of love.

You will acclimatise, I promise.

Edited to add: My dad and stepmum have been married almost 25 years now. They are very happy, and I’m happy for them

I have voted YABU, because while you can't help how you feel, it was 12/13 years ago and instead of doing your best to put those feelings aside, your overriding feelings should be those of happiness that your DF has found a companion in his later years. Instead it is bothering you enough to post here.

So many elderly people can be very lonely - even if they children who see them regularly. It's not the same as having someone of your own age to enjoy things with.

I'm sorry about your mum.

YANBU to find it hard. You would be unreasonable if you expected your dad to see her less or not have her over to accommodate your feelings. I'm not sure if you're suggesting that he should do that, if you're just finding the feelings hard that's normal and understandable.