Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

OP - unless the Korean girlfriend is sufficiently skilled to gain sponsorship from an employer, her only route to return to the UK after going home and finishing her degree would be if your son was earning enough to sponsor her - he’ll need a salary of £29,000 a year for at least six months.

grandma at 38!

If they are committed to having a baby - with support of parents obviously but in a grand parenting and not parenting way - then the son of the op has a good chance of being a great long term father who can step up and be there for his new family - we all know this is difficult at any age.

She will get hoofed out of the UK. He might move to Korea, struggle mightily as he adjusts to fatherhood in a country where he will be illiterate and unable to communicate with his in-laws. He might be able to pick up poorly paid ESL work. Thry will split in all likelihood, she will face massive stigma and disadvantage as a single mother in a conservative culture and he will lose contact with his child. I can see why the OP is less than thrilled TBH

Plus the application fees which are thousands of pounds. He will need to get saving! And a good job!

Realistically I would hope it means he has to quit the studying for now and get a job that means he can provide a home and support for his imminent child. He can always resume his studies later.

When I chose to become a parent I quite rightly parked the other plans I had for myself in order to put time into raising my children.

I went back to studying when they were a little older and eventually carved out a decent career for myself.

I think it should be the same whether you are the father or mother. Our parents can be a great help with advice and childcare but parenting is a big responsibility we have to rise up to. If we don’t the only people who suffer are our children.

Its not the leap you think it is. The mother of my relative agreed to let the first happy couple of less than one year move in. When that relationship.predictably ended (who would have thought a young man irresponsible, selfish, and immature enough to forgo a condom and thought everyone should have been delighted at his accomplishment would turn out to be an unreliable father and partner - astonishing, right?) he expected his dear old.mum to cheerfully let him move the second mother and baby in. And sadly, she did.

Cycles do indeed repeat.

To the OP - do not let them move in with you. Your son needs to grow up very fast, and having the entire responsibility of his own life squarely upon himself will be very good for all concerned.

Given the circumstances I don’t think I would be happy either. I would be concerned. I think he may of thought your reaction was going to be negative and did it this way so you had no choice to put on a show of happiness to drop the news. I deliberately told my mother via text about my first pregnancy as I knew she would have been upset (I was 18). I wouldn’t have done that to her though. I wanted to avoid her negative reaction. I think this is what your son has done.

Sure. But I doubt the Uk is the first port of call for those looking to leave.

Discard is a typo for Discord, the online platform where they met.

Sorry to put a dampener on your ‘gotcha’ moment, but I think it was just a typo in the name of the website on which they met.

They could have other options than just Korea or the U.K. if both are uni educated depending on what they are studying.

Quite possible a shot gun wedding to however

I'd be concerned that it was planned for a Visa as I know a couple of the same age difference and she has told him she must be pregnant by X date (due to some date superstition that does n't preclude her getting pregnant at a later date) She is also South Korean and he is very immature even for his age and madly in love.

His mother is so scared for him. In his case it will mean shelving his work ambitions as he won't be able to afford to study. He's currently in poorly paid dead end work.His girlfriend doesn't seem to care

So I guess I'm wondering about the backstory. Did she want to be pregnant? Does she expect him to marry her and does that give her any rights? This implication is that are both thrilled and that's an unexpected response for someone in her situation - surely she's aware he's too immature to support a child? I mean he's made it clear he can't afford housing.
.

How do you know?

Dropping out of uni will make it much harder for the son to get a long term visa for South Korea. Not sure about a family one?

I looked it up. The UK is way down the list of preferred destinations.

This was my take on it too, how weird, and gross!

I feel for you - so many issues to unpack here: the possible throwing away of a degree, the surprise of a new baby whose mother may imminently go home to South Korea - your son will be either devastated or have dodged a bullet, or she will have the baby here and you may all live with the constant worry that she will go back to South Korea with their child (or he may follow?!) This feels too much too young for a young man with his whole life ahead of him.

Do you think he made you open it in front of everyone because he was worried about your reaction?

So much bitchiness frtowards you from all these perfect pp OP.
I wonder how many have perfect lives irl. They know nothing about your situation when you had your son so in all fairness they really should stfu.

Your son is immature and selfish to have pulled this on you. Utterly unthinkable behaviour. Korea is a very conservative country where an unmarried mother is hugely frowned upon and won't have access to benefits as we do in the UK. They both sound immature and maybe there is some manipulation going on here. They have only been together for 6 months, I would ask to meet her.

All sorts of wrong here op
He (they?) sound ridiculously immature. Don't encourage them to think they will be adequate parents when they show bugger all potential.
Don't let them live with you.
If they can sort it out on their own, well good luck to them I suppose, but I doubt when faced with reality they will continue with the pregnancy.

A baby born of a British parent on British soil is automatically British. There shouldn’t be need for a visa for the baby.

Yes I agree it’s a very unideal situation, my post was kind of trying to agree with the poster who said this has the potential to end up as a ‘dad’ who makes the same mistake time and time again. He needs to be supported to take full responsibility of this child even if he ends up living in a different country to them.
This could ensure he doesn’t keep procreating and leaving the mothers to deal with it as there’s no consequences. The way he announced the pregnancy suggests to me he doesn’t quite understand the lifelong commitment he’s just signed up to. The op is obviously understandably worried about his future in all of this, and there’s a potential child who will also be affected.
I hope he’s committed but they have a lot of obstacles to go through. Friends of mine who were from different countries had to jump through a lot of hoops to be able to live together- sending lots of evidence of a genuine long term relationship and not just means to a visa. They need to be prepared for this also.
But if they are genuinely in love and wanting to start a family it is possible.
Yes he might have to pick up poorly paid work and learn another language if their only option is to move over there - he shouldn’t be protected from the consequences of this though. I do suspect you are right though that in the (more possible) event it doesn’t work out it will more negatively affect her.
I really feel for you op the way this news was given to you put you under a lot of pressure, and understandably makes you concerned about the future.

And that will then probably give her the right to stay as well because of human rights, etc she can’t be separated from her child. So probably easier than spousal visa or graduate visa.

How long until the school holidays are over? 🤦‍♀️Anyone invested in this situation needs to apply some critical thinking skills.