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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

881 replies

Becc91 · 27/12/2025 17:57

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 27/12/2025 19:12

^The girlfriend is quite a bit older than the OP son
26yo International Student she has either worked then travelled or this is a 2nd degree and travel
A lot more life experience
20yo men and 26 yo women are on different wavelengths
How many people on here would be happy if their 20yo daughter met a 26yo man , online , when they were students . That man from another country and culture .And to secure their place in the UK after their Visa runs out ....
Yeah you;d be thrilled [hmm . Not .^

This is a really weird take on it. I do not see OP talking about this at all..

HA @70isaLimitNotaTarget

Brexshit really did a number on many people.....

It's just a small island off the coast of Europe.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/12/2025 19:12

harriethoyle · 27/12/2025 19:11

Ahhh #bekind. The last refuge of the unreasonable who’ve been called out 🙄

Why unreasonable ?

Anxietybummer · 27/12/2025 19:12

🍎 🌴

Newyearawaits · 27/12/2025 19:14

mathanxiety · 27/12/2025 18:25

I wouldn't let them move in with you either.

Your son has behaved really badly, and I would like to know why he thought getting this woman pregnant in under a year of seeing each other, and springing the news of the pregnancy on you in this way were good ideas, along with the thought that they could all move in with you. It's all egregiously immature and selfish.

It's the 'thought process' of a relative of mine, who has a total of seven children now, with seven different women. He does not see most of the children as the mothers rightly got tired of his shit. His career as a begetter of babies started in university and continued into his 40s.

Let your son figure out how to support his baby and where the three of them will live, if you want to limit the number of grandchildren you'll end up with (and taking care of) by the time you're 45.

I can't believe there are women here who think any of this was ok.

Wow, completely harsh and uncalled for. Unplanned pregnancies do happen and totally unfair to blame OP's son.
They are mutually responsible.
Please don't compare to your family member who has seemingly behaved irresponsibility as a parent.
One of my neighbours became pregnant at 16 and they are still together over 40 years later.
No guarantees in life.
I hope the young couple get the support they need.
Sending strength to all concerned

shhblackbag · 27/12/2025 19:15

He could have used protection. As a 20-year-old he should have engaged his brain. It takes two. I'm not sure why people think she has 'motives.'

TheSquareMile · 27/12/2025 19:15

Is she a post-grad at Bristol herself OP?

You mentioned that they met online and I wondered whether she was studying elsewhere.

I would like to think that a woman of her age, still studying and not yet established in a career and financially stable, would be talking to her GP about every option open to her 're this pregnancy.

Newyearawaits · 27/12/2025 19:16

CherrieTomaties · 27/12/2025 18:45

If you didn’t want to become a grandma at 38, you shouldn’t have had a baby when you were 18!

Anyway, what’s done is done. He obviously wasn’t expecting your horrified reaction, otherwise he wouldn’t have surprised you with this ‘gift’.

Let the shock sink in. Leave it a few days. Then have a sit down adult conversation, just you and him. Don’t judge him. Don’t dictate to him what he should or shouldn’t go. Just be open and honest with what your willing to support him with.

No judgement from you then?
Smug and judgmental

SallySue87 · 27/12/2025 19:16

Anxietybummer · 27/12/2025 19:12

🍎 🌴

Claiming to have ‘anxiety’ and then commenting something RUDE like this…unbearable 😡

ChuisEpuisee · 27/12/2025 19:16

Wow. Almost unbelievable, OP. I hope you're able to come back and take on some of this advice.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/12/2025 19:18

It Isn’t ideal but it is not your life, I’d definitely let them move in if I had the space.

Imdunfer · 27/12/2025 19:18

harriethoyle · 27/12/2025 19:11

Ahhh #bekind. The last refuge of the unreasonable who’ve been called out 🙄

That's a pretty vile thing to say when you don't know what circumstances resulted in the conception of the OPs son, you know?

Incelebration · 27/12/2025 19:19

Christmaseree · 27/12/2025 17:59

How did your parents react when you were pregnant at 17 or 18, in a similar way?

How do you know that the OP got pregnant in a similar way?

RosesAndHellebores · 27/12/2025 19:19

Cynical me says dna test.
Prafmatic me says, get him sheep shearing in Aus PDQ.
Fair me says, maintenance needs sorting out if one above is +ve.

if gf is 26, she knew exactly what she was doing and it was more about birthing a visa than a baby your poor ds.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 27/12/2025 19:20

Have to say I am horrified by the accusations of hypocrisy aimed at OP. If you have children at Uni, it is reasonable to anticipate that they won’t make any other life changing decisions ( such as having a child) until they’ve finished their degree. The relationship is only 6 months in (much too soon for a baby whatever the ages) and the partner is six years older and so much more mature than OP’s 20 year old son.
OP has probably missed out on a lot of freedom in her own early 20s and so now her son is an adult and studying, I can imagine she may have been looking forward to a bit less responsibility for a while - not moving a couple plus baby into her home.
If he is mature enough to be a dad, he should be mature enough to know how to share the news and make any requests for support privately and not put his mum on the spot.
I feel really sorry the news was given in this way OP and agree that asking to move in over christmas dinner just made it worse.
Really hope you can sort things and meet the girlfriend soon.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 27/12/2025 19:21

This is a really weird take on it. I do not see OP talking about this at all.

They're on completely different levels in life experience
They've been together a short time
The OP was the one who mentioned where the woman was from originally ( the woman she hasn't met )
If the sexes were reversed no one would be congratulating

WTA has my comment got to do with Brexit ?
.

myhaggisblewup · 27/12/2025 19:21

Squirrelchops1 · 27/12/2025 18:12

What an amazing opportunity for your son to live in Asia. I sound sarcastic when I'm being absolutely genuine.

Even if OP let them move in, 1 of 2 things will happen ; the relationship with the mother isn't likely to last, or they may decide to move to Korea anyway. It's not a million miles away in this day and age.
D moved to America to get married, I'm in the same situation with any future dc.
The young people have to live their lives as they see fit, make their mistakes and learn from them. It's all part of being an adult.

PodMom · 27/12/2025 19:21

ByNeatRoseMember · 27/12/2025 18:03

Is the fact she is Korean relevant then ?

Well she’s quite possibly not going to be allowed to stay in the country after her degree finishes if she’s on a student visa. So yeah it maybe does.

FuckRealityBringMeABook · 27/12/2025 19:22

Yeah South Korean people are just gagging for UK visas 🤔

LochSunart · 27/12/2025 19:22

SnowDaysAndBadLays · 27/12/2025 18:06

The fact your son announced the pregnancy this way shows immaturity.

Well, yes, I suppose so. But he's probably shitting himself and all sense went out of his head. Would you have considered yourself "mature" at 20? I mean, maybe you were; not everyone's as big as idiot as me, but most people aren't especially mature at that age.

Anxietybummer · 27/12/2025 19:23

SallySue87 · 27/12/2025 19:16

Claiming to have ‘anxiety’ and then commenting something RUDE like this…unbearable 😡

Show quote history

I looked for a pot and the colour black but it wasn’t as punchy! OP is a hypocrite. HTH

Rosscameasdoody · 27/12/2025 19:24

CandiedPrincess · 27/12/2025 18:59

This.

Show quote history

Depends on whether she wrapped up the pregnancy test as a gift and forced them to open it in front of everyone on Christmas Day doesn’t it ?

MySilentLions · 27/12/2025 19:24

ByNeatRoseMember · 27/12/2025 18:03

Is the fact she is Korean relevant then ?

Well DUH yes if she wants to move back to be closer to her family! Not exactly difficult to work that out …. HmmHmmHmm

S251 · 27/12/2025 19:25

Becc91 · 27/12/2025 17:57

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

From your post, the maths makes you 18 when you had you ds? I wonder how your parents reacted at the time? Perhaps your ds is feeling your a bit of a hypocrite.

User1990C · 27/12/2025 19:25

You sound about as unreasonable as I could imagine. At least he finished his teens before having a kid.

plinkyplonk123 · 27/12/2025 19:25

Becc91 · 27/12/2025 19:09

Please be kind everyone, everyone has there own stories and my situation was very different so I don't think hypocrite is fair and frankly quite hurtful. I understand better than anybody else the challenges that young parenthood presents.
For the people asking- DS does not speak Korean but has downloaded Duolingo since finding out (small victories eh?🙄)

Is it also not a bit hurtful for you to be complaining about your son and his future child on Mumsnet alongside not letting him move back home when he is only 20?