Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

TBH regardless of how a pregnancy came about, it is ridiculous to suggest that someone who makes a mistake at 18 is a hypocrite for not wanting their child to follow the same path.

Where does it end? If someone’s into drugs when they’re younger does that give the green light for their kids to do the same? Crime? Excessive alcohol.

Most of us parent to a degree based on the mistakes we personally may have made growing up. At 18 you don’t think the same as you do at 38. And so it stands to reason that you’re going to think differently about a teenage pregnancy when you’re 18 than you are when you’re 38.

We’re assuming here that there is a baby. I mean, a positive pregnancy test some days after it was apparently taken isn’t going to be accurate. In fact don’t the lines fade after about half an hour or so? They certainly recommend you don’t read the test more than half an hour after you’ve taken it for that reason.

Maybe they made up a pregnancy in order for her to get a visa, without having done the research into whether it’s even going to be possible.

She's not going to get a visa easily even if she is pregnant

Her fleeing to Korea? Uou mean her going back to her home where she is more likely to have a support system fo her and her baby? Certainly an excellent choice given GM here doesnt want to support them. The baby is hers as much as her bf's

Probably because if her visa and his long she can stay.

That's not the case

we know that, but the press is full of so much crap about foreigners getting visas etc, and the reality is that there absolutely are couples who get pregnant in order to secure a visa only to find out that it’s not going to happen.

It’s entirely possible that they thought this was a good idea, or even that she did. The pregnancy may even be made up.

I mean I understand that I don’t know why he thought getting a Korean girl pregnant was a good idea.

They maybe weren't trying to have a baby

Yeah I mean there’s plenty of accidents! I just now think if this was a normal British girl this op would possibly have been a bit disappointed but got over it rather quickly.

Hi @Becc91

I have not been in your situation but I do know a family who were in a very similar situation. Pregnant very early into the relationship, at uni, one not a UK national. Parents surprised etc. They did choose to stay together and had other children. It was not ideal. But they made it work at the time.

I think your son spectacularly made a mistake in how he presented the info to you and also made an assumption he could stay at your place once the baby comes.

However, had I been pregnant at 20, I totally would have assumed I could stay at my mum and dad's house, so I do understand his reasoning.

I hope you and your son can work things out, find the way forward. Find the positives, and much as this is a difficult situation, I think there are some great positives here.

Why should the son and the gf and the baby stay with his mum? She's never met the gf.

None of us even know if the OP has space for the 3 of them.

Stop assuming. It does no one any good. The mum has every right to say no to them moving in

Roobarbtwo

Actually, I said "However, had I been pregnant at 20, I totally would have assumed I could stay at my mum and dad's house, so I do understand his reasoning."

My mum and dad would have had a room for me if I were pregnant at 20. I am not assuming the OP has room for her son and the mother of his baby and his baby, but I can certainly say I would think a young adult might think their parent would find room for a child who is having a baby. That's the assumption I am making, as far as we know it's his baby too.

Of course the mum has every right to say no. That is not something I would disagree with.

At 20, they can stand on their own feet with their child. I'd take mine in for emergencies while they worked out an alternative, but I have no wish to live with a baby/toddler again. I like my house as it is. I don't want to childproof and put things up. I like my quiet and space. I don't want a young child demanding attention all the time.

I do have children in their 20s at home and there's no rush or care if they stay, but they don't have partners and young children with them either.

I live in a one bedroom flat. Some people don't have room. And some people who do have room have kids who take advantage

My mum's friend learned the very hard way when she took her daughter and their partner and their child in. They didn't pay their way. They just used her for childcare too - no one needs that

It's the assumption that the mum would just take them all in that is staggering - particularly as she's never met the gf

Hell no. If she does this she will live to regret it - she'll get landed with the childcare.

My parents got married and didn’t tell anyone for three years because they wanted to finish university.
So when they showed up to my grandparent’s house with a toddler and my dad told everyone “This is my wife and daughter,” people were yeah, shocked.
My dad and mum were even more shocked to discover that his family were downright racist and treated my my mum and sister terribly.

Some people are just pitiable.

@Roobarbtwo
yes, clearly if the OP lived in a one bedroom flat would not be possible. My mum did too but not until I was older.

I would hope the son doesn't expect to stay for ages, just initially, to get on his feet.

I would totally support whatever the OP felt was best. but I also feel some sympathy for the son, he's got himself into a tricky situation.

I'm so sorry DreamTheMoors

That's awful.

Got himself into it, correct. I've given my sons a good talk about what makes babies, how to prevent it, and what would be expected of them if a baby eventuates. Also, how they get no say in what happens with that pregnancy. They are fully informed of consequences, so time to step up if they don't heed the warnings. Presumably OP had similar conversations with her son.

ByPoisedRaven

I would imagine she did.

But I would also say that sometimes when these things happen, there might be more than just the situation to think about. in time the OP might want her son to be close by and her grandchild. OP may feel that at some point she wants to reach out and set some ground rules about support, meet the young woman, etc. He's not handled things at all well. But that doesn't change the situation.

This!

He gave you a stick someone pissed on?

She may well want those things but, at the stage our children are starting their lives/families/careers, we don't necessarily get what we want. And that's fair and reasonable. Her son could choose to live in South Korea. He may end up with his child living on another continent if he stays in the UK. Maybe he has a future with this woman, maybe he doesn't.

Things happen and I am nothing if not pragmatic. I'm good at making the best of things and believe things do tend to work out somehow. They will in this situation too.

Of course she should meet the woman who will be mother to her grandchild. As for support, I never asked for any or got much. Maybe they won't need much, so no ground rules needed? OP can only respond to choices made by the couple, or draw boundaries around requests from her. I think by the time our children are starting to have children, a huge step back is needed from parents so they can find their own rhythm as a family.

If it all goes belly up or DS ends up distraught with his child on another continent, OP can just support him. It's hard when they're at the age we can't protect them from this sort of pain.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah right! 🙄