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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

881 replies

Becc91 · 27/12/2025 17:57

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

OP posts:
SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 19:06

Mayana1 · 28/12/2025 19:03

I'm sorry you feel bad of being a grandma at 38, do you feel better if I tell you I had my first child at 38? When you start having kids early, you are a grandma early. I have a happy nearly 4 year old, being 42 now.
The fact that she is leaving is bigger problem, I guess, but they can make it work. Maybe she will continue with her study here, maybe he will consider moving there? Did you ask him any of these questions?

Show quote history

The bigger picture is that the son is 20 and a student and is clearly going to struggle to support a child. Of course things don't always work out as planned. My mum had me at 19 and my brother at 29 but I suspect it was very tough for my mum at that age - she was a student too and married - but it wasn't easy on any level

notacooldad · 28/12/2025 19:09

Is the fact she is Korean relevant then ?
Absolutely.
Can't you think of any potential issues?

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 28/12/2025 19:09

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 18:55

It’s not the same as when it’s your daughter who’s pregnant. Sorry but it’s not.

and you wonder why families are less close with son's mothers with that attitude 😂

If he’s got a woman pregnant then the responsibility for that is his and his alone.
true.

However, he's not a complete stranger, and in normal families, you try to help your kids out and try to keep them in your life.

Show quote history

and you wonder why families are less close with son's mothers with that attitude 😂 it is different though.

If your daughter comes home and says she’s pregnant then it’s tangible. It’s real, the person expecting the baby is there.

If the son comes home and says he’s got a woman pregnant then that’s essentially just his word. The baby could be anyone’s the OP doesn’t know her. He barely knows her.

Yes if the relationship is established, if the mother has met the girlfriend and they already have a relationship then possibly, but a stranger?

Similarly if the daughter came home and said she was pregnant by a strange man would posters be telling the OP to move him in? I think we all know the answer.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2025 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well given that women who get pregnant young are expected to just get on with it, what the fucking hell is wrong in hold young men to the same standard?!

Its not hating men, its insisting that they do what society expects women to do! This sort of attitude is how men are somehow excused from ditching pregnant girlfriends or fucking off from the wife and kids when it gets a bit hard.

One rule for all. End of.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 28/12/2025 19:13

OP, did your parents kick you out/refuse to house you when you had your son at 18?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/12/2025 19:20

Well if you were 18 when you had him it’s a tad hypocritical to have a long face over him becoming a Father at 20 or 21.

FuckRealityBringMeABook · 28/12/2025 19:21

Wooky073 · 28/12/2025 18:50

Is she from N or S Korea? Which one is important. Im sure you know that N Korea is pretty much a dictator state with no one going in or out. You do not want your grandchild born there or you may never seem them again. I presume she is from S Korea given she is an international student. She is possibly at uni hoping to meet a UK national to start a relationship with. But it can work well.
If you want to help sort this out and ensure your son and grandchild remain part of your life then you need to become more accomodating.

I agree that the delivery of the news was not the best and timing for asking to move in also not great (showing their naivety). But once you get over the shock of it, start having adult discussions with your son. You need to meet her, discuss their plans. The questions I have are whether marriage is on the cards (may or may not be important for her culturally), how they will finish their degrees with a new baby (the university can provide support but even so it will be challenging). i presume they are at different uni's if they met online? Are they even both in UK?
Tread carefully and provide support or loose your son and grandson

Pretty sure people from NK are not studying innovation at Bristol

Bluepurpleraindisco · 28/12/2025 19:22

Christmaseree · 27/12/2025 17:59

How did your parents react when you were pregnant at 17 or 18, in a similar way?

Hit the nail on the head

Bluepurpleraindisco · 28/12/2025 19:23

You also mean discord it’s where you can talk and people make their own channels etc

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 19:23

Love that it's my reply who got deleted when I quoted the disgusting language used by someone describing someone's SON.

CommonAsMucklowe · 28/12/2025 19:23

I stand with you OP, I wouldn't be having them move in either. This is his problem, old enough to get a woman pregnant but wants to move in with mummy? Absolutely not. Time to start studying hard and when that's not happening go to work to start saving. Chances are it will all come crashing down when they discover they have nothing in common and your grandchild will end up living in Korea being raised by her parents. Tell him to put something on the end of it next time.

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 19:24

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2025 19:09

Well given that women who get pregnant young are expected to just get on with it, what the fucking hell is wrong in hold young men to the same standard?!

Its not hating men, its insisting that they do what society expects women to do! This sort of attitude is how men are somehow excused from ditching pregnant girlfriends or fucking off from the wife and kids when it gets a bit hard.

One rule for all. End of.

Show quote history

literally the opposite of what's happening here, the son is clearly NOT ditching up his girlfriend or "fucking off"

and the OP is the one pissed of about it

Tinsles · 28/12/2025 19:29

Don't blame you at all OP.
We would be appalled in your situation and I would be concerned my son was on drugs to think that we would be anything other than appalled, and that he should drop such shocking news in such a way.

Where we come from getting pregnant young is most certainly not the norm, and it would be viewed as a accident to be dealt with discreetly, certainly not something to derail university and a promising career.

And no they would not be moving into my home.
Is he a bit on the naive/dim side, easily led?

You have my sympathy.

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 28/12/2025 19:30

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2025 19:09

Well given that women who get pregnant young are expected to just get on with it, what the fucking hell is wrong in hold young men to the same standard?!

Its not hating men, its insisting that they do what society expects women to do! This sort of attitude is how men are somehow excused from ditching pregnant girlfriends or fucking off from the wife and kids when it gets a bit hard.

One rule for all. End of.

Show quote history

This. Plus the reality is that men need to hold themselves to a higher standard the instance they decide to have sex with a woman.

The moment he ejaculates into a woman he loses all control over what happens next. If she falls pregnant then she decides whether to keep the baby, even if he wants it, it’s up to her. If he doesn’t, it’s up to her, and if she decides to keep it he will be tied to maintenance for the rest of his life without having had any input into the decision other than the initial act which brought him there in the first place.

If a man doesn’t want to be responsible for a pregnancy then he needs to be using contraception regardless of whether the woman is or not. Not just lie back and think that mummy will provide a house and finance his stupidity when he knocks up a stranger.

VeneziaJ · 28/12/2025 19:31

I became a grandparent quite young too courtesy of my youngest daughter I was 46 which I know is not as young as you will be but was still a shock! I didn't feel old enough to be a grandmother (still dont 😂) but my grandson is a delightful 15 year old now and I wouldnt change a thing. Do not alienate the couple as its nearly always the boys mother who gets edged out in these situations and you may come to regret it later. I do think his way of telling you really showed his immaturity and then to suggest they moved in with you after springing it as news over Christmas was quite selfish. When you have calmed down I think you should have a mature and respectful talk with him and explain your worries.see if there is a way forward that will help all concerned.

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 28/12/2025 19:32

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 19:24

literally the opposite of what's happening here, the son is clearly NOT ditching up his girlfriend or "fucking off"

and the OP is the one pissed of about it

Show quote history

Of course he is. He’s putting responsibility for the baby on to the OP. Not only that, nobody knows anything about her. Is she going to be an overstayer? What are her plans going forward? She’s on a student visa.

Taking responsibility would be dropping out of uni and finding a job. Playtime is over.

pestowithwalnuts · 28/12/2025 19:33

Would they expect you to look after the baby if they moved in with you ?
How will they go about getting jobs if the have no childcare ?Or is that hys thoughts behind the request to move in with you... and what do you other family think about it ?

Anonanonanonagain · 28/12/2025 19:34

If you did not want to be a young grandmother then perhaps you should not have been a young mother. It is the only way to ensure not being a young gran.

Was it a bit crass that he gave you this to open in front of people? Of course it was but clearly he is happy about this pregnancy so no matter what your thought process is, he is happy, the baby is coming and that is it really you will be a granny whether you like it or not. Everything else is irrelevant.

Tinsles · 28/12/2025 19:37

This is why from a very young age we forced the excruciating conversation of taking responsibility for their sexual health and contraception on our kids.
You can never have those conversations too early considering how feckless some young men can be, and young women for that matter.

Clonakilla · 28/12/2025 19:38

TY78910 · 27/12/2025 18:11

You can’t change what’s done now. You can be disappointed in silence, but YABU for making him feel bad - he was clearly excited telling you the way he did. How do I put this mildly? You shat in his cornflakes.

It’s not uncommon for kids who were conceived early, to want children young. There’s something about growing up with your parents and grandparents active that makes it more appealing - it did for me, had mine at 25.

You can have feelings about the fact that he had a child with a girl on a student visa, that may have to go back, but that’s something you vent to your DH / sibling / friend and then support your DS through the logistics of.

I also can’t help but judge how you won’t support your child with living arrangements once GC is here. It’s not like he’s a college dropout, smoking weed all day on UC. He’s at uni, being productive.

Edited

I would think someone who had a child at 18 wishing the same for their child very foolish indeed. It’s surely rare for someone to think that. It happens not because people want ‘active grandparents’ but surely more commonly because the socioeconomic factors leading to teen pregnancy weren’t improved by teen pregnancy and so affect the next generation. You can read about cycles of poverty very easily. You starting your family at 25, an age when many have completed their studies and are settled in employment is entirely irrelevant.

In this situation he’s at least out of his teens but hasn’t completed university and has no way to ensure that he and his child live in the same country. He is not currently able to support a child. This is not want most parents hope for either.

It’s not what the OP hopes for, she’s clear about that.

However it’s happened now. OP I’d be encouraging him first to determine with his partner whether the relationship is continuing, and then to get advice from an immigration lawyer to work out how he can be with his child (here or in Korea). The steps after that will be working out how he financially supports his child and what that means for his education.

cornflakecrunchie · 28/12/2025 19:41

My God. I can't even IMAGINE your shock, @Becc91
Unlike most posters, I can't even think what to say..

ByPoisedRaven · 28/12/2025 19:47

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 09:44

The Hague convention does consider the country of birth, but the deciding factor often depends more on the habitual residence of the child. So for example, if the child was born in S Korea but the parents set up home in the UK, that would be considered the child’s habitual residence. Either parent attempting to take the child back to S Korea could be considered child abduction. There was a heartbreaking thread a while ago on MN from a mum in Australia, in exactly this situation. She was stuck in Australia after the relationship broke down, because that was considered the habitual residence, even though the child was born in the UK.

Edited
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Thanks for clarifying. A bit different than what I thought the rules were. In the woman's place, I'd be very worried.

Captcha4903 · 28/12/2025 19:47

Good luck. My parents had me fairly young (early 20s) but the difference back then was there was plentiful social housing. My parents both worked and were offered a lifetime secure council tenancy! You could just about raise a family on one wage which meant that childcare wasn’t a second mortgage. My Mum had various part time jobs when I was young that fitted around childcare. My Dad was the breadwinner. It was another world. You simply couldn’t do it now. No wonder our birthrate is so low.

Atsocta · 28/12/2025 19:50

Sounds to me his very immature to wrap that up, and she’s taking advantage of him, no way would she be allowed to move in our home,
??? so she can take advantage of you too…very unfortunate circumstances all round …

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