Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

How easy would it be for him just walk into Korea and claim it home though! None of us can just walk into any country and call it home unfortunately.

There's the logistics of either of them making a country that's not their own their home! Countries tend to have a lot of red tape for these things!

Why do they have to move in with the OP? My gran always helped my mum out with childcare when she could - my mum was a teacher and my dad and her were divorced when I was quite young - but my mum only lived with her mum and dad until she got a home of her own which wasn't long after the divorce - and they had space for us at that point

Why should the OP agree to allow the gf to move into her home - when she's never met her! That's madness

This

It such a difficult situation. Would she even be allowed to stop in the UK to have the baby or would your grandchild be born in Korea? I can understand how confusing this must be for you but can't you at least organise a dinner and invite her over to get to know what their plan is?

You say she's 26 but isn't that 24- 25 in the UK years? I remember backpacking around Asia and their ages aren't like ours. I think they are already 1 when they are born then turn 2 on the 1st January.

Yet another ridiculous pot/kettle/hypocrite type comment. It has been stated Multiple times that it isn't hypocrisy to want better for your own children.

It's entirely reasonable for someone to be disappointed or concerned if they see their own children making similar unwise decisions they made in the past.

I dropped out of education and wasted years of study and ended up in dead end jobs. By your logic, I should be silent if my daughter does the same? If I had children, I'd like them to avoid making the same mistakes not repeat them.

Discord, not discard 😁

OP I think you are right to worry, too many people on here seem to think that all countries let you just walk in and stay. There's no guarantee of either being allowed to reside in each others country! Have they actually even lived together properly yet? They really need to sit down and go through the logistics of everything because what's the point of having a baby together if you have to live halfway across the world from each other!

If he's scared it's because he knows he's made a monumental mistake! Students with little money and education to finish, dating only 6 months and knocking up a girl that has to go back to Korea soon, a place that could be culturally very different and would not necessarily allow him to just rock up and live there! Why would he not be scared!

How easy would it be for him just walk into Korea and claim it home though! None of us can just walk into any country and call it home unfortunately

It is not easy to get permanent residency in Korea.

As the parent of a child who married someone from overseas I can tell you that getting a long term visa (leave to remain), even for a spouse and when they've had a child born in this country, is very difficult and expensive. This is because of rules brought in by Theresa May in 2012. She may have to apply from outside the country - my SIL had to leave my daughter a few days after their marriage and they weren't able to reunite for 6 months for various technical immigration/financial reasons. They need an immigration lawyer if this is going to work. Moving to South Korea together can also be challenging - he'd need to meet financial benchmarks etc.

Someone wrapping a pregnancy test and asking their mum to open it on Christmas day doesn't sound scared to me

I know quite a few couples but in the opposite situation. British women with foreign nationals. Their partners can't come here, despite having a baby together and the women can't (or don't want to) live permanently in their countries either. It's far from ideal.

Also immature.

No one said OP considers her son as a mistake except for yourself. Seems you are projecting my love ❤️

And if you're too scared to introduce your partner and have an adult conversation, I'd suggest you're too immature to be thinking of starting a family. Sounds like a child having a child.

I completely understand your response. I would react the same and your son not talking to you because you said he cannot live with you shows he is not remotely mature enough to be a dad.

He went to uni to become stupid.

Good Luck!

Your son shouldn't have dropped the baby bombshell on you, disguised as a present. You haven't even met his girlfriend, but yet are expected to be thrilled about being a Grandma and to allow all three to live with you upon graduation! Unfortunately, this only shows how immature your son actually is. He should have asked you if he could bring his girlfriend home to meet you, and quietly told you together.

Yes, you had your son at a young age, but it doesn't mean you want him to be young parent, like you were. As parents don't we all want our children to do better in life than us?

I absolutely understand that the pregnancy has come at a complete shock but your son is going to need your support, now and going forward. Having said that, showing support doesn't mean the three of them moving in with you!

Honestly, I think you need to ask him to bring his girlfriend home to meet you, and all three of you sit down and start looking at realistic and practical help they are going to need. His girlfriend can no more stay here in the UK, than your son move to Korea! Do her parents know she's pregnant?? I don't know much about Korean culture, but I thought they were quite conservative, in which case they may not be happy.

How are they both going to study? How are they going to support themselves? Does the girlfriend want to give birth in the UK or Korea? Where are they going to live? How long can she stay until she has to go back to Korea? There are many practicalities that need discussing, and both are going to need your support.

I don’t understand people saying OP cannot have a negative reaction because she was a teen mom.

Are people not allowed to learn from mistakes and want better for their kids?

Exactly. Someone wishing the circumstances/timing had been different doesn't mean they think something was a mistake.

Discord

Absolutely. I honestly can't believe he did that - and as someone else said - where was his pregnant gf on Christmas day? As I said. My mum had me at 19 but I assume it was pretty tough going - particularly because her and my dad divorced when I was very young and paid her an absolute pittance for me until I was 16. The absolute minimum he could get away with paying

Yes people have kids in their teens and early 20s and it works out ok in the end - but he's going to struggle to support a child without giving his degree up and I suspect he knows it which is why he wants them to move in with his mum

I didn't say he was scared, I responding to someone making the claim that the OP must frighten him!

Be proud that they will both be achieving degrees, be proud a termination isnt on the cards, CANNOT believe you will not be there for backup, your not going to let them move in so can you not see the pressure that piles on them and the possible awful repercussions for them… what a horrible being you are…

Sit back, take a deep breath and think how nasty and naive you sound! They clearly live away at uni and cannot move in with OP whilst they have degrees to finish and we don't know how long that will be, also there's these things called immigration laws and if the girlfriend is here on some kind of study arrangement, she don't have rights to just stay and move in with the OP! Why should tie opthace immigration officials turning up on her doorstep! You have totally pretended that there is no issue with the fact that the girl is not a citizen of this country and has no rights beyond studying!

What happens if it ends up being a bad pregnancy and the girlfriend can't carry on her degree? You've overlooked so many things! Now is the worst time for that pregnancy because there are so many massive issues to overcome! The OP is doing the right thing by making sure her son realises the crap he's getting himself in to and that it may be very far from.as simple as his girlfriend moving in when she has no rights to stay here.