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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

881 replies

Becc91 · 27/12/2025 17:57

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

OP posts:
Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 15:06

ILoveLaLaLand · 28/12/2025 15:03

I'm suggesting he may not be the father because:

  1. She's a brand new girlfriend
  2. His mother has not even met her
  3. He announced the pregnancy in the worst possible way
  4. She's 6 years older than him
  5. She's 26 and old enough to get her contraception right
  6. He's 20, a freshman or second-year student and she's a post-graduate
  7. She's on a student visa that is running out
  8. Having a baby with a British national is a common way to gain residency in the UK

He could still be the father but if he were my son, I'd be recommending a paternity test one way or another.

Finally, everyone commenting on race is making assumptions about OP's race.
This would not be an issue if her son were in a long-term relationship with a woman whom his family knew regardless of where she came from.

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Well if he's not the father obviously someone else living in the UK is - assuming she's not been home for the last six 6 months

He seems to think he's the father which would suggest they've been having regular sex for some time now

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:08

FuckRealityBringMeABook · 28/12/2025 13:43

The entire Korean diaspora in the UK is about 40,000 people. About the population of Bury St Edmunds. Wealthy educated women from SK are not looking to trap Brits with anchor babies - it is an unlikely hypothesis. It's just as likely that the DS has a creepy fetish for East Asian women.

Right, so what’s your theory for a grown, highly intelligent woman becoming pregnant in such difficult circumstances ? Statistics mean sod all. It’s intent that matters here.

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:09

ILoveLaLaLand · 28/12/2025 13:28

If OP's son's very new pregnant girlfriend was from Europe there would be no visa-related motive for having a baby with a British national. It's not racist to acknowledge that some women (usually from another continent) do deliberately get pregnant to obtain a visa. It happens often enough to be noticed and usually happens very quickly after they meet someone local as happened in this case.

There's also a six-year age gap between the son and his very new "post-graduate educated girlfriend".
That could also suggest she sought out a gullible young man.
There's no way I would have dated a 20 year old boy when I was 26, women are usually a lot more mature then men at that age.

Also, why wasn't a "post-graduate educated woman" using contraception when living abroad given how harshly pregnant single women are treated in Korea?
OP's son should also have used a condom of course but ultimately it's the woman who gets pregnant not the bloke and a lot of men simply walk away, especially if they are too young to be fathers.

Men (also usually from another continent) also regularly love-bomb and impregnate vulnerable young women they barely know for the same reason.

Millions off people around the world are trying to get into the West - having a baby with a local is one of the most common ways to get residency. In 2024, 38,708 people were granted settlement on family grounds. It's not broken down to show how many were due to having a child who had British citizenship but it's a strong factor in successfully claiming a right to residency.

Btw playing the "racist" card is just a way to shut down legitimate debates/conversations.

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This 100%.

FuckRealityBringMeABook · 28/12/2025 15:11

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:08

Right, so what’s your theory for a grown, highly intelligent woman becoming pregnant in such difficult circumstances ? Statistics mean sod all. It’s intent that matters here.

Show quote history

Accidental pregnancy. Like millions of other smart people throughout history?

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 15:12

A relative of mine(male) was in a relationship with someone 17 years older than him for 20 years. He wasn't 20 when they met - mid 20s. Even though they aren't as common - there are people who meet and fall in love when the woman is older than the man

It seems to be more acceptable when the age gap is where the man is older than the woman.

And as I said before no contraception is 100 per cent fail safe. People can get pregnant while on the pill or using condoms - it happens

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 15:12

FuckRealityBringMeABook · 28/12/2025 15:11

Accidental pregnancy. Like millions of other smart people throughout history?

Show quote history

This

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 15:13

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:04

The age at which OP had her son (one baby as far as we know) is completely irrelevant. And of course it occurred to him otherwise he wouldn’t have insisted she open the ‘gift’ in front of other people, or announce over Christmas dinner that his plan was for all three of them to live with OP. Because he hasn’t considered anything beyond his dick. They both sound feckless and irresponsible if they’re expecting OP to bale them out of the situation they created.

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tell me you hate men without telling me you hate men 😂

I don't think anyone having kids that early is a great idea, but when the dad is involved and trying to organise his life with the baby, he's still wrong for doing so.

he hasn’t considered anything beyond his dick he's literally considering it now.
He shouldn't have got his girlfriend pregnant? no, he shouldn't but SHE shouldn't have got pregnant either. it's 50/50 here.

You prefer him to dump the girlfriend and refuse to know about the baby do you?

Boododedoop · 28/12/2025 15:14

I’d do everything I could to keep the young woman and the baby here as I’d hate them having to go back to Korea and perhaps be shunned by society as mum had had a baby as a single woman.

GreyBeeplus3 · 28/12/2025 15:14

Hate to say this but the paternity test should most definitely be done.
Years ago watched one of those 'who's the daddy' specials on TV and with the exception of ONE out of the eight, every girl there had at least a jailbird or violent partner so when they realised they were pregnant latched onto a more gullible and younger 'partner'
One boy from a good home his suspicious parents were paying monthly for baby's welfare and when they found out the truth there on the programme; the babymother and her godawful mum just started screaming abuse, threats and expletives everywhere. Poor lad was devastated
It turned out her violent now jailed druggie boyfriend had left her in the lurch so she went on a girls night out, grabbed the first as she put it 'soft lad' she could get
And the other stories were as bad as that with no shame shown at any time by any of the fine examples of 'mothers' on the stage.
I'm just saying. Be sure

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:16

HoppityBun · 27/12/2025 19:39

Good points:support your son with the practicalities. Perhaps he broke the news this way because he didn’t know how else to tell you. If so, that’s some insight into your relationship?

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Or perhaps it’s indicative of him being a controlling and manipulative arsehole ?

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 15:17

GreyBeeplus3 · 28/12/2025 15:14

Hate to say this but the paternity test should most definitely be done.
Years ago watched one of those 'who's the daddy' specials on TV and with the exception of ONE out of the eight, every girl there had at least a jailbird or violent partner so when they realised they were pregnant latched onto a more gullible and younger 'partner'
One boy from a good home his suspicious parents were paying monthly for baby's welfare and when they found out the truth there on the programme; the babymother and her godawful mum just started screaming abuse, threats and expletives everywhere. Poor lad was devastated
It turned out her violent now jailed druggie boyfriend had left her in the lurch so she went on a girls night out, grabbed the first as she put it 'soft lad' she could get
And the other stories were as bad as that with no shame shown at any time by any of the fine examples of 'mothers' on the stage.
I'm just saying. Be sure

This woman is a post graduate student on a visa. I would find it very odd if she had another "baby daddy" who was in jail or violent - given that it's possible that she's only been in the UK a short time

Surely the OPs son knows how long himself and this woman have been having sex for before she got pregnant?

Robogob · 28/12/2025 15:19

If it was me I’d love to have the three of them move in with me. Can you try and see the positive possibilities?

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:22

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 15:13

tell me you hate men without telling me you hate men 😂

I don't think anyone having kids that early is a great idea, but when the dad is involved and trying to organise his life with the baby, he's still wrong for doing so.

he hasn’t considered anything beyond his dick he's literally considering it now.
He shouldn't have got his girlfriend pregnant? no, he shouldn't but SHE shouldn't have got pregnant either. it's 50/50 here.

You prefer him to dump the girlfriend and refuse to know about the baby do you?

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I don’t hate men and if you’d bothered to read my other posts before commenting you’d have seen that I was critical of other posters laying the blame for the pregnancy entirely at DS’s door. Of course it’s 50/50. But he tried to railroad OP into accepting the pregnancy by forcing her to open the ‘gift’ of the positive test on Christmas Day in front of others, because his plan was to announce over dinner that he wanted himself, his GF (who Op has never laid eyes on) and their baby to move in with OP. That’s not ‘organising his life’ it’s passing off the responsibility to someone else because he hasn’t thought out what’s going to happen when the baby’s born. It’s disrespectful, manipulative and controlling. Not a good look for a future father.

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 15:23

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:16

Or perhaps it’s indicative of him being a controlling and manipulative arsehole ?

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wow

are you feeling quite ok? It's that how you would describe your own child because he happens to be male?

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:25

Robogob · 28/12/2025 15:19

If it was me I’d love to have the three of them move in with me. Can you try and see the positive possibilities?

What positive possibilities ? That these two feckless people have conceived with no thought to the future, and are now clearly expecting OP to bale them out ? What happens when the mothers’ visa runs out ? Is OP expected to stump up the tens of thousands it would cost to keep her in the country ? The excuses for fecklessness are breathtaking.

ILoveLaLaLand · 28/12/2025 15:25

Robogob · 28/12/2025 15:19

If it was me I’d love to have the three of them move in with me. Can you try and see the positive possibilities?

That's a colossal upheaval in OP's life.
She's just finished raising her own son as a single mother.
I really don't think this is fair in any way shape or form.

Her son and his new girlfriend need to get their arse into gear and look for an apartment whether with or without benefits- isn't she a wealthy South-Korean?

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 28/12/2025 15:25

OriginalUsername2 · 28/12/2025 13:43

I was a teen mum too. You live and learn and want different for your children. That’s not hypocrisy.

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Wanting and hoping for different for them is not hypocrisy. Somehow feeling you have a right to expect or demand if from them, or being angry or disappointed if they don't listen and do it anyway most definitely is.

Expecting them to take the blindest bit of notice of the opinions of people who made the same choices at a similar tender age and getting frustrated or upset when they won't listen is just laughable entitlement. Most teen mums spend the next 20 years defiantly insisting to anyone who will listen that they don't regret their choices and yes it's hard work blah blah, but having their child very young and often without the support of the father is an absolute blast and the best thing that ever happened to them.

Only when their own child announces a pregnancy while still in their teens does the truth start to come out and it turns out it's not been so great after all. If it had been, then surely you'd all be highly recommending it?

If you didn't appreciate the interference of people who were older and wiser than you and thought you knew better, what makes you think it's going to be any different when you tell someone else not to do it? If you don't want your own child to be a teen parent then the absolute best way to achieve that is to not be one yourself.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 15:27

Robogob · 28/12/2025 15:19

If it was me I’d love to have the three of them move in with me. Can you try and see the positive possibilities?

Why should the three of them move in? The OPs gf is 26 - surely old enough to find accommodation of her own. The OP might not have the space to accommodate them

I know a couple who have been living with the girls mum for years. They've just bought a house but in the time they have been living there (two years) they've contributed nothing - not a penny (and they know the mum doesn't have lots of spare cash) and they have leaned on the mum for free childcare

It won't be like that in all cases but it does happen. He basically tells his mum his gf is having a baby. A gf she's never met and he wants her to move in too?

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:28

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 15:23

wow

are you feeling quite ok? It's that how you would describe your own child because he happens to be male?

Show quote history

Nope. And once again I’ve posted as to the fact that it takes two and the GF, at 26 is just as responsible as DS for what has happened. Neither of them can support the child or each other because they are still in full time education. It’s got nothing to do with being male and everything to do with being feckless and expecting mummy to bale you out because you’ve made a car crash of your life. DS announced the pregnancy very publicly, giving OP little choice other than to accept it. And that was clearly in preparation for the public announcement that he expected OP to house all three of them after the baby is born. What would you call it other than manipulative and controlling ? And a good indication of the life GF is in for every time he wants his own way.

ILoveLaLaLand · 28/12/2025 15:30

Robogob · 28/12/2025 15:19

If it was me I’d love to have the three of them move in with me. Can you try and see the positive possibilities?

Send on your address.

MamaJenni · 28/12/2025 15:31

Discord?

look whats happened has happened. You run the risk of alienating them both and your grandchild. Give your head a wobble and perhaps try to embrace this. Clearly hes over the moon with it all. They will try to make this work whether youre onboard or not

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 15:31

Hopefully they will move to the girlffriend country and the OP will never hear from them again, or at worst they will find accommodation and jobs and never bother the OP again either

so the OP will cheerfully be able to enjoy her time without being bothered, and everyone is happy.

You can't wish them anything else than that can you.

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:31

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 28/12/2025 15:25

Wanting and hoping for different for them is not hypocrisy. Somehow feeling you have a right to expect or demand if from them, or being angry or disappointed if they don't listen and do it anyway most definitely is.

Expecting them to take the blindest bit of notice of the opinions of people who made the same choices at a similar tender age and getting frustrated or upset when they won't listen is just laughable entitlement. Most teen mums spend the next 20 years defiantly insisting to anyone who will listen that they don't regret their choices and yes it's hard work blah blah, but having their child very young and often without the support of the father is an absolute blast and the best thing that ever happened to them.

Only when their own child announces a pregnancy while still in their teens does the truth start to come out and it turns out it's not been so great after all. If it had been, then surely you'd all be highly recommending it?

If you didn't appreciate the interference of people who were older and wiser than you and thought you knew better, what makes you think it's going to be any different when you tell someone else not to do it? If you don't want your own child to be a teen parent then the absolute best way to achieve that is to not be one yourself.

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What a load of old crap.

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:32

SereneCoralExpert · 28/12/2025 15:31

Hopefully they will move to the girlffriend country and the OP will never hear from them again, or at worst they will find accommodation and jobs and never bother the OP again either

so the OP will cheerfully be able to enjoy her time without being bothered, and everyone is happy.

You can't wish them anything else than that can you.

Ah, so it’s all OP’s fault ? They’ve dropped a bombshell in the worst, most immature and selfish way, and OP is expected to pick up the pieces.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 28/12/2025 15:33

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:31

What a load of old crap.

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Statistics would say otherwise.

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