Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

Really? People wrap up a positive pregnancy test and hand it to their families on Christmas day? I know people do gender reveals but I've never heard of this. I can't think of anything worse - someone wrapping up a pregnancy test and handing it to their mum and announcing it as publicly as that - and he wants the gf and the baby to move in too?

I'm not sure the girl being the same nationality or not is the issue for the OP. It's the fact that she's having to return home - no settled status as you say

This seems to be the primary reason to talk seriously about the situation.

If OP's son's very new pregnant girlfriend was from Europe there would be no visa-related motive for having a baby with a British national. It's not racist to acknowledge that some women (usually from another continent) do deliberately get pregnant to obtain a visa. It happens often enough to be noticed and usually happens very quickly after they meet someone local as happened in this case.

There's also a six-year age gap between the son and his very new "post-graduate educated girlfriend".
That could also suggest she sought out a gullible young man.
There's no way I would have dated a 20 year old boy when I was 26, women are usually a lot more mature then men at that age.

Also, why wasn't a "post-graduate educated woman" using contraception when living abroad given how harshly pregnant single women are treated in Korea?
OP's son should also have used a condom of course but ultimately it's the woman who gets pregnant not the bloke and a lot of men simply walk away, especially if they are too young to be fathers.

Men (also usually from another continent) also regularly love-bomb and impregnate vulnerable young women they barely know for the same reason.

Millions off people around the world are trying to get into the West - having a baby with a local is one of the most common ways to get residency. In 2024, 38,708 people were granted settlement on family grounds. It's not broken down to show how many were due to having a child who had British citizenship but it's a strong factor in successfully claiming a right to residency.

Btw playing the "racist" card is just a way to shut down legitimate debates/conversations.

We move in totally different circles if you and people you know would be thrilled to bits to receive a wrapped pregnancy test for Christmas from their 20 year old student son.

The entire Korean diaspora in the UK is about 40,000 people. About the population of Bury St Edmunds. Wealthy educated women from SK are not looking to trap Brits with anchor babies - it is an unlikely hypothesis. It's just as likely that the DS has a creepy fetish for East Asian women.

I was a teen mum too. You live and learn and want different for your children. That’s not hypocrisy.

He clearly was scared shitless of telling her to her face so he took the coward's way out underlining how young and immature he is.

I’m seeing so much judgement and so little sympathy for the poor pregnant lass, I bet she’s terrified.

Everyone's having a pop at OP having him at a similar age..... She's concerned based off her own experiences, worried that mum to be will go back to country of origin. I think the mumsnet warriors have been harsh, and don't see that you are worried because you've been there and done it, and want the best for your son. I get it. Just support as best you can. The pregnancy reveal was immature, and that's another illustration as to why OP is possibly concerned.

Surely it’s better if she can stay in the country if she’s having a baby with your son? Much better for the baby to be born here if they want to live here in the future.
Baby must be due over the summer? I’d offer them a place to stay at least for a few months tbh if it meant my son and grandchild might have to go to live in Korea otherwise

Agree that the way he told you wasn’t great and it is very young to become a Dad. Definitely not an ideal situation.

I'd also recommend a paternity test after the baby is born.
I recommended this to my own brother when a new (local) girlfriend was suddenly pregnant very shortly after they began dating.
It turned out not to be his.
He was in a very vulnerable place at the time (recently divorced , very depressed = easy prey).

She won't be able to if she's on a student visa when it runs out

So many posters making this judgement. It’s so depressing. Are we not allowed to wish much better for our children and for them not to make the same mistakes we did ?

The baby is coming like it or not, how lovely to reject your son and the mother of his child and make sure you never have a place in their life.

Or will complain in a few years that your DIL doesn't like you.

What a charming lady

he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner
I am not sure the "horror" is the son here

Yes, she will. If the baby is born in the UK she can’t be deported - the UK and S Korea are co-signatories of The Hague convention.

Oh give over. The son is disrespectful, controlling and manipulative. Who gives their mother a positive pregnancy test as a Christmas gift and forces her to open it in front of other people, and then suggests over Christmas lunch that they all live with OP after the baby is born ? These two feckless people made this problem - why should OP bale them out ? OP is not rejecting anything and she hasn’t even met the mother - who may or may not turn out to be her DiL depending on whether they can sort out the car crash they’ve made together.

I'd be very disappointed OP.

I agree with another poster who suggested a paternity test.

On balance I'd probably support my son as much as possible so he doesnt throw away his education and opportunities.

I don't think people should be throwing your teen pregnancy in your face. Nobody knows what your situation was.

The manner of the announcement is underhand and the girlfriend is a lot older.
The first question I would have is when is the baby due? and when did he start dating her?
If the baby comes very early, I'd have questions over paternity.

She’s twenty six. Do you really think she doesn’t know how to protect herself from pregnancy ? More posters are judging OP’s DS than the girl herself, when in actual fact contraception is the responsibility of both partners entering into a sexual relationship. The infantilising of a grown woman who needs to take responsibility for her own body is breathtaking.

the OP clearly had a sour face and her son is not even speaking with her now.

It's up to her. Some parents would prioritise saving the relationship with their kid. It's rather irrelevant if you agree or not, the time to have an opinion is gone. There's a baby on the way.

What do people suggest? That the son forces an abortion? That the son rejects the baby and decides to have nothing to do with it?

Wow, and then it's shit dads who are being blamed. (of course, they should, if they obey to their over-bearing mother and do abandon their child)

OP wants to stay out of it and lose a son, great! She should. Mother of the year she is.

Why are people suggesting that he's not the father? Is it because he's 20 and she's older? I was premature by 3 months and my brother was a month early - I don't understand why people are thinking that he's not the father - would people be saying this if the gf was UK born?

I don't think the mum has done anything wrong here. It would have been much better to have a conversation about this than wrap up a pregnancy test and then ask their mum to open it in front of a group of people - on Christmas day

some people think announcing a baby is good news, and some grand-parents take it well.

It's not something I would have done that way, but maybe it didn't occur to him that his mum would be offended to be a grand-mother before she's 40. She's the one who had babies young in the first place.

I'm suggesting he may not be the father because:

1. She's a brand new girlfriend
2. His mother has not even met her
3. He announced the pregnancy in the worst possible way
4. She's 6 years older than him
5. She's 26 and old enough to get her contraception right
6. He's 20, a freshman or second-year student and she's a post-graduate
7. She's on a student visa that is running out
8. Having a baby with a British national is a common way to gain residency in the UK

He could still be the father but if he were my son, I'd be recommending a paternity test one way or another.

Finally, everyone commenting on race is making assumptions about OP's race.
This would not be an issue if her son were in a long-term relationship with a woman whom his family knew regardless of where she came from.

The age at which OP had her son (one baby as far as we know) is completely irrelevant. And of course it occurred to him otherwise he wouldn’t have insisted she open the ‘gift’ in front of other people, or announce over Christmas dinner that his plan was for all three of them to live with OP. Because he hasn’t considered anything beyond his dick. They both sound feckless and irresponsible if they’re expecting OP to bale them out of the situation they created.