Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

Dear @Becc91

i agree that was very tactless of your son and not a good way to present such big news.

He isn't running away from this situation however. . It sounds like termination wasn't an option so there will be a baby in your lives now.

My suggestion would be that you speak to him more reasonably. Ask to meet his GF and also arrange a call with her family.

Help guide them on the options post birth - do they both want to keep the baby, if so what are their plans? What are your son's plans for earning money? And hers? Do they want to stay in education? Universities offer support here for young families.

It could be disastrous, he could turn out to be another deadbeat father who has nothing to do with the baby OR it could be the making of him - the love and responsibility he may feel.

No one knows!! But what I do know is that talking, guiding, listening to the couple now at this stage is important.

Personal question op, but you were 17/18 when pregnant. How old was your kids dad and is he still around? Could this be colouring your judgement?
At first glance this sounds terrible and I'd be devastated if it was my son. But, you have to deal with the reality of the situation and frankly, I don't think you're doing that very well, at least not yet.

Yes, condoms are cheap and easily available. So the fact that she did not use one means she played the active role in the conception of this baby.

This. Unless he raped or stealthed her, consenting to sex without the use of a condom makes her an equal participant in the conception of this baby!

Contraception can fail. A friend of mine got pregnant while on the pill. Condoms aren't 100 per cent effective and they can split

She's an international student and there will be pretty strict conditions regarding her visa and right to remain. The OP said in her post that she's having to return home in September

No I don't think you are. He could have presented the news in a much better way - how is he expecting to move in with you her and the baby if she's having to return home when her degree ends?

Well whatever she did clearly involved unprotected sex 😉

@Becc91 I’m wishing you the best and fully understand what absolute nonsense this is. The truth is though, when this baby is born there’ll be a cascading series of consequences. They aren’t inherently negative or positive, but they do mean a lot of things will change and be different.

The fact DS thought this was something to give as a present suggests he is immature and will have to cop on. I’m a father, and having my kids forced me to grow up each time.

Just understand this. No amount of explaining is going to do that growing up for him. He may have support, but it won’t remove the fact that the consequences now land on him directly. All boys eventually come to the realisation that nobody is coming to save them, meaning no one can step in and carry the responsibility for them. That’s when they either grow up or they don’t. Some never do.

It sounds like this is something he’s going to have to confront himself. I wouldn’t have the gall to give you advice because it’s an impossible thing to judge, but I’m wishing you abundance, patience, and a wonderful 2026 despite the challenges.

I think OP has many more concerns than just youth.

Nailed it.

Oh

Which is still not relevant or meaning that she’s a hypocrite for not wanting her son to face the same difficulties she did.

True but they are still equal participants in the conception. As is anyone who freely participates in sex.

I think the point here is that the GF is just as responsible for the pregnancy as DS, despite some posters trying to lay the blame completely at his door. So much misogyny on MN.

That’s a very nice post @SBGM247

Agree. This is the whole point. So many posters laying the blame with DS for not using a condom. What kind of infantilising message does that send to our daughters ? That they are not responsible for their own bodies and should rely on the man taking the lead when it comes to contraception ? Yeah, that’ll work !!

Shocked at your reaction, I assume you think he is above being normal as you sent him to a good uni, believe it or not it happens at every uni.
Good luck to them.

Thanks @ShamedBySiri . I learned the hard way.

I wonder if your son presented it publicly because he was worried about your reaction and thought you'd be less likely to kick off if told in public?

Still doesn’t give him the right to back OP into a corner. He presented her publicly with the pregnancy, and did the same with the suggestion that they all move in together. It’s disrespectful, controlling and manipulative and if I was the GF that would be enough to have me running for the hills.

So if your 20 year old son came home for Christmas, wrapped the positive test up and presented it to you as a gift to open in front of everyone, then publicly suggested he and his GF and child all move in with you, you’d be thrilled would you ? She’s six years his senior, they’ve only been together six months, OP has never met her and he’s clearly not though beyond the pregnancy. He’s feckless and irresponsible and is trying to manipulate OP into taking responsibility for him. I don’t think that’s anything to be thrilled about.

The ways he has communicated about the pregnancy are far from ideal, making a trying situation worse. But he is 20, immature (precisely why it's not the ideal age for him to become a dad!)

Yanbu to not want to house them. It's your house, and it's his child. I don't know if you have other kids, but maybe you are looking forward to some you years, after having had ds so young. It doesn't matter, you don't have to justify your decision. It's your house.

The question is now, what do you want going forward in terms of your relationship with ds and his new family? If you want a relationship you might have to lead a bit now. Ask if you can take a few steps back - before anything is decided, find out how he's feeling. Ask to meet gf. Find out what situation is with her family. Don't commit to anything but try and emotionally support if you can and want to?

He's not handling it well, and it's up to you what role you'd like to play now.

The thing is, loads of people do these kinds of announcements. If he was slightly older, the girl was the same nationality / settled in the UK, they were together 1year+, most people would think the announcement was the most wonderful way to make them a grandparent.

I understand the shock of the context, but so many people are outraged at the way he told her which is probably the least of OPs worries.

Yep, I don’t think many MNers would be thrilled at these circumstances if it happened to them in real life. Easy to be holier than thou when it’s not your kid.

Quite.

So if parents have made a mistake/been in whatever situation that means they don’t have the right to wish better for their children? Give over.