Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

DS is an adult, if he didn’t want to be a father he needs to learn to use a condom before he finds himself a serial father.

The only Bristol Uni courses with “innovation” in the title are masters degrees. So this South Korean woman is already degree educated and comes from a background able to fund international study. Korea may have its problems but I see very few educated Koreans seeking visas to work in the UK unless its part of a temporary job transfer.

But yes obviously she is a “furriner” so must be shagging the first available man and “getting herself pregnant” for a visa. 🙄. No racism in that assumption at all.

Meanwhile, in the real world, the UK is way, way down the list of long term choices for degree educated professional classes from developed or developing countries. This has been true for best part of a decade and it has been getting steadily harder to compete with other Western countries for educated talent from places which traditionally sought work here.

It doesn’t work like that. They will tell him to move to Korea to be together. He’ll need to earn £29k otherwise to live here and they’ll have to pay thousands in visa fees and show proof of their relationship etc

People who have been married for years with kids are split apart due to this rule. It really is not like that at all.

I have a question and it’s sincere, @Becc91
Did your son have you open the “gift” in front of everybody because #1 he thought you’d be excited -or- #2 he wanted to put you on the spot and upset you?
Do you know? Because if it was #1, I’d say you overreacted and if it was #2 he hit a home run.

In any case, I’m hoping you and your boy can find a happy medium. Because that little baby won’t have done anything wrong.
And you might not like being a granny at 38, but you will be just the same.
My mum was horrified when she learned she was to be a granny at 54 - she didn’t want anyone to know. Those were good times.

Sending love from faraway ❤️

But I think those people can’t have kids who are British citizens. The child can’t be deported as it’s British. They can’t legally deport the mother when her kid has a right to be here.

people struggling to bring a spouse back to the U.K. generally had their kids abroad I believe. So the kids don’t have a right to be here either.

all the best op, and basically he should of put a rubber on it

Utterly ridiculous response.
We don't know that OPs DS wasn't born from abuse.

Please be kind everyone, everyone has there own stories and my situation was very different so I don't think hypocrite is fair and frankly quite hurtful.

Doesn't sound very good and OP followed it with she knows how hard it is to be a young parent.

I don't necessarily agree with not helping him and the gf (?) out should they need it but everyone giving OP a hard time really need to try and see outside the box.

Not just for this post but for all of them.

She didn’t want her kids making the same mistakes she made.

That all I’m going to say for fear of being insulting.

UK nationality comes down the female line predominantly

Sorry, but this is just plain wrong. Read the British Nationality Act of 1981 (here). Every single reference to the parents, other than a few technical clauses related to IVF, is to "father or mother". For example, the very first paragraph:

(1)A person born in the United Kingdom after commencement shall be a British citizen if at the time of the birth his father or mother [emphasis added] is—
(a)a British citizen; or
(b)settled in the United Kingdom

Since OP's son is presumably a UK citizen, the child will be - even if born outside the UK, unless OP's son was also born outside the UK. (However, because of various other definitely-not-racist provisions of UK immigration law, being the mother of a UK citizen minor child does not get the GF anything at all, as far as I know.)

Perhaps you are confusing "being British" with "being Jewish", which does indeed go "down the female line". But if the British Nationality Act had any such limitations, I think we would have been hearing about it non-stop from the MRAs for many years now.

The age isn’t great, but the situation! They’ve been together 6 months, he’s you in a really insensitive way and he’s assumed you’ll be okay to take them all into your home then got in a mood when you said no. Wow.

How do you get excited about this? You don’t even know her and at this point she might sod off and you never even see the baby.

YANBU!

But your situation was probably the exception rather than the norm. For every person saying what a positive great experience it was becoming.a parent as a teen, there'll be dozens more who say that it wasn't. And no-one is saying a child born to someone so young is a mistake, but the situation leading up to the pregnancy usually is. Very few teens would choose to get pregnant.

Oh they do.
Trust me my family member is married to a foreign spouse and their kids are British citizens and some were born here- which again isn’t what makes them British or not.

It makes zero difference about the kids. Don’t believe what you read online. It is extremely hard to move a foreign spouse here.

They don’t need to deport a mother without a child because they’d tell them to take the child with them or leave them with the British spouse or all move.

My feeling is he may have been subconsciously nervous to tell you so perhaps it felt safer (to him!) to do it in this way. Obviously not the right way to handle it but it’s done now. Don’t take the way he told you as proof he’s too immature to be a father, although given his age yes he’s extremely young and that point still stands.

Your concern is totally valid but I think you have to try to reassure him that you are supportive of him, you’re delighted to meet you’re grandchild it’s just that you are his mother and it’s hard not to worry about him and it’s big news. You can say you did it yourself young and it was hard which is why you worry for him. Ask more about what he meant about them moving in together, say what your (practical) concerns are but just reiterate that you’re there for him. It was just a big shock and not what you were expecting.

it’s a rubbish situation and I would be fraught but you’ve only just found out, it will get easier with time and with more exposure to the girlfriend. You need to meet her, for starters! But for the sake of the relationship with your son and grandchild, you have to at least visibly appear supportive even if it takes awhile for your emotions to catch up and to adjust to the situation. You’re not a hypocrite, I don’t agree with other posters, you just know how hard these situations are firsthand. But perhaps it could also be an asset here: think of how you would have liked your parents to react, what you would have needed and try to channel that for him now.

Also rest assured her parents will be even more anxious than you’re feeling right now (assuming they even know about it). It’s a very traditional culture. That may be why they want to live with you. One of my closest friends is Korean, she came here age 15 and is married to an English man, it’s an amazing place and an amazing culture. Fascinating traditions. Amazing food. Very interesting customs and respect, politeness and diplomacy are highly valued. I suppose what I’m saying is this could well turn out to be the start of something exciting for all.

Incidentally I know from my friend that women in South Korea often will go to be taken care of at specific facilities where they are waited on hand and foot for 3 weeks after the baby is born, it’s considered good for mother and baby. She had her first baby here, found it horrendous and had her second there and did that experience.

Good luck xxx

It’s Discord OP 😂

Discard doesn’t sound like a very successful dating app does it 😂😂

(Discord is a social app, not dating).

On the plus side, Korean people are lovely and they are, as a whole, an innovative country so your new DIL to be will be working out how to finish her studies and obtain a great job.

Your son will be needing to finish his qualifications too.
Op, the best option is for you to be very supportive and help in any way you can until they have finished studying.

Then they can all move to Korea, or stay in Uk.

To be fair discord is hardly a promising sounding name either. I'm not sure it isn't even worse than discard...

Yes of course it is because her visa will run out soon adter she finishes her studies.

It was a ridiculous way to break such sensitive news op. I’m not surprised you were blindsided by it. Neither do I think you are being unreasonable not to be thrilled at the prospect of them moving in with you.

I do however think that you have to consider the practicalities of the situation. They are going to need support. Conversations need to be had around where they will live longer term and if she plans to move back to South Korea. What would your son do and how would they manage visas etc? They have an awful lot to sort out and with the baby due in a few short months, they need a safe space in which to navigate it. There are a lot of tough decisions to be made at a time where she in particular will be very vulnerable.

Will you get a chance to meet her soon?

I'd be much more concerned about their circumstances than the age thing. If she was from up the road it could work. If the relationship failed they could co parent. Her nationality and visa situation is the biggest issue here. I think DS should get legal advice now, if she flies home to visit family for example and doesn't come back, what are his rights? This is a really tricky situation. I totally understand your upset OP I'd be devastated but they need your support now. Telling them how difficult their lives are going to be will not make it any easier for them, you can tell anyone else but I think you need to talk to them about the positives because they are probably already worried sick.

Pot called the kettle black. You had him at 18, no?

However, I’m 21 and horrified at the thought of babies. I’d love one one day, perhaps in ten/ fifteen years. I’m doing my masters and I’ve secured place for a PhD, so perhaps I’m just wired very type a? I want to have a career so my child has a mother who did something really substantial before them. I want to be admired by potential children - and I don’t want to look at them and think “god, if only I waited I could have traveled/ gotten my doctorate / really been something”. I probably wouldn’t feel that way - but I want to have travelled, attained a doctorate, and returned to my equestrian competitions (dressage) before a child. Then I can fully commit to the role of mother without holding any kind of “what if”. I want to have it all - but I know I can’t have it all at once.

My boyfriend is of the same age and holds the same sentiment. He wants to live before hand and not be tied down by a baby. Your 20s are economically volatile. I can barely keep my head above water most days!

I know his parents would really really like grandkids - my parents have subtly hinted that they’d like some far down the line. They’ll all have to wait. I’m not sacrificing my life for my parents to enjoy a baby second-hand through me. My parents agree that I have 20 years to have children and I should spend the majority being my own being.

it’s horrible but my boyfriend and I have discussed it - and I’d get an abortion if I got pregnant now or at any point in the foreseeable. I’d find it soul destroying but there’s no point having a baby I’ll resent for detailing my ten year plan. And ruining my boyfriend’s life.

Hadn’t actually thought of this point!

OP this is a very outing thread, perhaps you've changed some details already but if you haven't I think you should now, if that's possible.

It’s Discord. Teen DC uses it to chat to friends while gaming.

Bit ironic coming from a teenage Mum. Mother like son, but at least he's 2 years older and getting a degree. Not that two wrongs make a right, but don't preach what you never practiced.

a hundred posters have said this already!