Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

I disagree, and I wasn't keen on the 'gotcha' tone.

My first thought when I clocked the ages was that there are myriad reasons for teenage pregnanices, and many of them are not positive ones.

Not to mention a single parent back then could easily rent or even buy a home, and cost of living was so much cheaper.

Unplanned pregnancies happen all the time yes.....but not unplanned children

YABVU and unsupportive. I would expect better from any parent. Dont be surprised if you lose them and don't meet your grandchild. You don't get to behave like this when they need you and then suddenly expect to coo over your lovely grandchild when they are here.

Everyone has to do what is right for them. I had two children at 21 (and hold three degrees and have travelled with my children along). I find your language sad. Tied down by a baby? You talk about them so negatively, like your life is over when they arrive. That's so not true, so I thought I'd offer a different perspective. Travelling with our children around the world enriched our lives and added something new to the experience. Yes, it is more expensive than with just two people. Studying is indeed a bit harder, but not impossible if you want it. I'm not saying have children, as that's obviously not the choice you want to make and it's a perfectly fair choice, but your life is not over because you have children. They can live it with you. You're not losing out on 'being something' because you have children. You are their mother and can be something else too, but being a mother is what they will remember you most for.

Fucking hell, just because the OP was a teen parent (the circumstances of which we know nothing about), it doesn’t mean she can’t aspire to better for her son.
All the ‘hypocritical’ comments are pathetic.
OP, no wonder you were in shock. How are you feeling about things now?

Yes, you can't just move to the UK even if he marry her.

That is hugely ignorant, like all stereotypes.

Single mothers in Korea are so harshly treated and looked down upon that there are pressure groups set up to fight the negative perceptions that are deeply ingrained.

Marrying a foreigner in the circumstances in which this couple find themselves would not make things better for them in Korea either.

I'd see it as a much needed reality check for him.

Being a single mother of a half Korean child in Korea would be horrific.

Korean parents pour all their resources into securing their children's future. The education system sees very young children in grind schools preparing for an exam they take at 18 that will determine the entire course of their lives. This young woman must have had enormous resources spent on her in order to get to university in the UK; her parents will have the reaction of the OP on steroids to the news. They will consider this an unmitigated disaster.

Actually they do

Going out on a limb here but this does sound like someone who doesn't want to leave the UK in September so has found a way of getting permanent residency here (whatever the legalities are we are not exactly great at deporting people are we).

She's obviously switched on enough to be doing an MSc so I'm sure she knows how contraception works. Plus most 26 year old women would find a 20 year old boy to be very immature and therefore wouldn't be dating them.

Unfortunately your son has been very naive. He should finish his degree and financially support the child of course but I think he needs to see this relationship for what it is. I would also get a paternity test when the baby was born.

Yes, this. With bells on. Poor girl.

His age is the least of the problems. What about the fact that he has only been with this woman 6 months, they don’t live together, they barely know each other. They are both students and don’t even have the ability to bankroll their own lives, never mind a child’s. As demonstrated by the fact that he is asking if they can live with the OP. There is nothing good about brining a baby into this situation. And yet clearly the OP has somehow managed to raise her DS to believe that she would be pleased about all this. I think she probably needs to reflect a little on that.

I'm not so sure she's a "poor girl." She's 26 and living in a country that has free contraception. It fails but they could have used two methods. Also, she has the option of a free termination. It's quite possible that this baby is an anchor baby. I'm also wondering if the age gap is by coincidence or by design on her part.

Why did your ds give you the pregnancy test as a present? That is seriously disturbed behaviour. Was it because he was trying to stop you having an authentic reaction to it and force you to be polite in front of everyone. I would be furious and definitely speak to him privately about that to let him now that behaviour like that is not acceptable. In respect of the pregnancy it is his problem, not yours. If he wants advice about options you can give it. But of course they can't move in if you don't want them to. He needs to grow up fast. You are not being unreasonable at all. He sounds too immature to be a father frankly.

You don’t get buyers remorse on a child. It’s done. It’s how you choose to move forward from that that matters. Could the circumstances be better? Absolutely. Could we question her motives - possibly (we don’t know her, neither does OP!). But there’s a baby coming, so let’s not forget that.

Not really as there's going to be visas involved. With no income £85,000 (in savings for a set period of time) is required to sponsor a spouse. It's been awhile for me, but I believe the amount goes down in proportion to your income. OP I would be really concerned about their plans going forward - how is she planning to stay in the UK. The process is not easy and just having a baby is not enough.

Luckily, Korea is a signatory to the Hague convention.

I think it's fair enough you don't want to house them, but don't withdraw all support from your son because this has the potential to turn into a real mess and he's going to need you.

This is pretty naive. I don’t know how you managed to travel the world and obtain 3 degrees while having babies but for most people it would be impossible for both practical and financial reasons.

Apart from anything else, a young couple who barely know each are likely to end up separated once the pressure of a baby is added to the mix - at which point you really do end up quite stuck because for one parent to travel with the baby for months / years or move to another country would be detrimental to the relationship with the other parent.

And then the child grows up and starts school and makes friends and it becomes unfair to be make them live a transient life just for fun.

I love taking my children on holidays now and showing them all of our favourite places, but it’s in no way the same as being free to travel and work wherever and whenever I want.

I was with you up until you said you were only 38. Your son is 20. What right do you have to judge him for doing something you did yourself, two years younger? It's incredibly hypocritical.

No-one is free to do what they want, when they want. That's just life (except for the few independently wealthy).

I obtained three degrees because I wanted to. Granted, the last two were part-time because my children came first.

Travel was a matter of luck really, and opportunities that came up. Obviously fitted around other commitments.

When babies come, things work out. They just do. There's no other choice. The part about this scenario that would concern me is that the son's child may be raised in another country to that which he lives in.

Of course what’s done is done. And the OP needs to accept it. But she doesn’t need to pretend to be thrilled about it either. And what’s gone wrong with the DS’s upbringing that he thinks presenting his mum with a positive pregnancy test at Christmas was the way to go?

Possibly the OP has younger children and there might be a lesson to learn that could prevent this happening again.

Here we go with the foreign girls trapping young men for visas business again. Just as likely that OP's son has found a way to force a leave from the UK.

I'm assuming he probably thought his mother would be pleased. Mistakenly.

Please be kind to your son, I’m getting a whiff of something weird about your focusing on her nationality.