Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

She probably won’t need sponsorship or a spouse visa now. Her baby will be a British citizen so she will have some protection under the “right to family life” article 8 of the European convention on human rights. She’s very likely to be granted leave to remain. So if she wanted to stay in the U.K. she has struck gold.

Discard? Oh come on.

I call bullshit that a 38yo doesn't know or hasn't heard of Discord. I'm 44 and been using it for years.

Everywhere has a discord community or has spoken about them at some point,

"I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!"
I saw that line and thought hmmm, somewhat making it about you.

Yeah. the 'present' was bad, but people that age can be naive. I think the right response here is "right, the situation has happened, how supportive can we be?"

My oldest son was so uncomfortable telling us that his 19 year old girlfriend was expecting. Her parents hit the roof and said that they wouldn't support them and she had to get rid of it. We said take our bedroom and we bought a sofa bed and kipped in the lounge for over a year. Our house was very crowded as we had us two, our 4 grown up-ish kids, the girl and then the baby in a 3 bed semi. It was both hard at times but also wonderful. Our grandaughter is now 6 and wonderful and she also has a 3 year old brother now.

YANBU. The way he told you suggests a level of immaturity in itself. Also his future plans of them all living with you when you haven't even met this woman are entitled. You'll basically end up bank rolling everyone. They may never be able to afford to move out.
I have to agree it seems that this woman may have been after a legal reason to stay in the UK, especially with the age difference and speed of getting pregnant.
I'd be so disappointed if he was my son. These things are pretty avoidable had he taken the right precautions.

Yes of course, plans of the mother to return home, nationality and how PR works for the child, expectations in Korean society for the father, the parents of the mother what is their view culturally of what should or shouldnt happen and how does that impact on OP and her son. Where and how is the child to be brought up, who is going to see the child.

Unless, of course…

Why a hypocrite? OP probably knows better than most of us on here how difficult it was for her having a child so young, and probably doesn’t want it for her own son. Just because you might make mistakes in your own life, it doesn’t mean you should be understanding of your own child making the same mistakes. Presumably her DS is aware of OPs struggles being a young mum.

No it doesnt work like this necessarily. If the father goes on the BC then yes the child will have UK nationality but its not a given as UK nationality comes down the female line predominantly, there are caveats of course

Exactly

But hang on - you yourself were younger than your son's girlfriend when YOU fell pregnant! And around the same age as you son.
But you're upset that they're having a baby at an older or similar age than you were?
#Makethatmakesense

Well yes, I’m sure she’ll do her best to keep him on side until his name is on the birth certificate. Though I guess she can always go to court for a dna test if necessary! If he’s the dad that kid will get citizenship even if she has to fight for it.

Not so easy, visas/ language skills/ jobs etc make it hard mandatory child is not just for a couple of years but something much longer

Ooh that must have been a huge shock. A very insensitive way to tell you - it's the kind of thing you might It is a complicated situation with both being students and her an international one. They will need to plan very carefully and be able to communicate very well if there's any chance of it working out.

This is very likely, I was just correcting the assumption that the child will automatically be a UK citizen, people generally dont understand the citizenship rules in the UK or overseas, they're quite complicated at times.

Oh come on. Only very online people know what Discord is. Normal people - especially those over the age of 35 - do not.

Far too young to be having a child … well too late for that. She’s already pregnant. Not your decision unfortunately

So many calling the OP a hypocrite.....the reason why people like her (and me!) react like this is because we know what its really like.

We are not being hypocrites by saying that we dont want our kids to go through the struggles we went through when we became parents at a young age. We didnt know what we were getting into and how hard it would be. So when that child that you struggled and fought to bring up well announces that they are doing the same then of course we react with horror.

We, like all parents, want better for our kids. Becoming a young parent in an unstable relationship is not what we want for them, we know that it will take a terrible toll on them and their lives. Their opportunities will be far fewer, their freedom is immediately curtailed. All the fun stuff that we never got to do and wanted them to be able to do.....nope, not happening.

And FYI, I was on the pill, had regular bleeds, no weight gain and only found out I was PG at 6 months by chance, otherwise I would probably have been one of those poor women who first find out when they are in labour. So....judge not lest you be judged.

Agree, I haven’t heard of it before (late 30s normal professional)

If rage bait had a thread. The ages don’t stack up vs the social mobility. School boy error.

Never heard of it, couldnt follow the conversation above as I thought OP was saying 'discard' as in get rid of the girlfriend!!!

Is the fact that one parent is resident in England and the other is resident in Korea, when not studying, relevant? Are you joking?

I would be very disappointed too. He is only 20 and his girlfriend will return to Korea. What kind of relationship is he ever going to have with his child?! He won’t even speak the same language! I would not let them both move in as you would never get rid of them and they’d expect you to baby sit and cover all costs. They wanted to act like grown ups then they have to stand on their own two feet. Your son is very silly and immature to have assumed you’d be over joyed! He doesn’t even have a job to support the baby! What is he even thinking?! How is his girlfriend going to manage as a single parent in another country? Are her family going to be able to support her? I doubt she’d be able to stay in the uk as she’s on a student visa.

I don’t understand why you don’t understand? If OP was a young parent herself, and experienced all the struggles which came with that, surely she’s better placed than most to appreciate how difficult it’s going to be for him, so is obviously going to be upset as she already knows the difficulties that lie ahead…

I've not rtft, but it seems that he thought youd be happy and excited. Obv not, which is a real shame.

The level of assumption here is nuts. I had my first at 19 after being married for two years beforehand. My parents were nothing but excited. Nor is any child a 'mistake'. What an awful way to regard another human being. It wasn't hard. I loved it. We paid our own way, had our own home, cared for our child well (that one has a PhD now) and went on to have more kids. Honestly, I saw more of the 30+ cohort struggling with the transition to motherhood. "Boo hoo, my freedom I'm used to."

People seriously underestimate young people.