Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

This. Your son has followed your (bad) example. Don't be a hypocrite now.

As I keep saying no one is asking what she , or her family, want? Baby/ location/ relationship. There’s a lot of assumptions being made on the basis of OP and DS’s reaction

You can take a long view. Korea needs children because the birth rate has been low there for a long time. But Korea is in the centre of the world's most innovative region. Economically, your grandchild is likely to be richer and more successful than you.

Assuming he grows up in Korea, and has the option of university education across the world.

For all you know OP was married before she got pregnant, had her own home and supported herself. Her son is talking about moving his girlfriend and child in with OP. Could be very different.

and Are you usually bored enough to terrorise people on Mumsnet? Lowlifer 😡

Ridiculous comments from ridiculous mumsnetters! You always want for you children what you didn’t have, and/or you don’t want them to make the mistakes you did. I’m sure your lives are so perfect ❤️.

I can completely understand your worry! I think they probably met in discord? discord.com

Yes. The fact she isn't from here may be a factor short and long term; she may not have the right to stay here without marriage and going through the proper visa system...

I'm sure OP doesn't consider her son a mistake.

I've always liked the idea of living in Asia. I would be quite positive as long as it was your son moving there to create his own life. I'm really not optimistic about the economic prospects for young people without family help in most of Europe.

At least the baby will have been born by September so a paternity test will be easy!

You were a similar age to me when I had my DS. I’d not react like that being a very young parent myself, I’m surprised you did? I’d want to support them not say they can’t even move in!

I'm not sure what to say but I'm sorry that he 'told' you the way he did, and so it's all very up in the air at the moment
You had your son young yourself but somehow managed; I'm sure he will but the thing that I'm wondering about is the young lady herself, that you've not met yet did your son say anything about her parents?
Korea strikes me as quite conservative
This may be why they want to move in with you possibly aware of reactions back home

Surely the fact that she is only temporarily resident in this country, and also significantly older than him, are both relevant?

If you had waited to have your son when you were older, then you wouldn’t be such a young grandma.
So you need to calm down, stop being so judgemental and remember how it felt.

FWIW I completely understand.
I was a young mum myself and I would be heartbroken if my DD got pregnant young as I know how difficult it is.

You must act supportive of your DS because what’s done is already done and being negative is not going to help.

Buy him and the kids mum a congratulations card and pretend to be on board.
This way you can eventually advise getting a dna test etc.

Realistically as the dad, his life is not going to be as ‘ruined’ as if this was a 20yo female.
He will still be able to have a good career and go out with mates etc.

My biggest concern would be the fact they live in completely different countries.

If your DS is willing to move to Korea and live her world, I think it's awesomely romantic. If they want social housing here and to claim UC, my opinion changes.

"Discord" is the name of a forum. It's a typo.

I would be concerned your son has been taken advantage of OP. They met online, she is six years older, due to leave the UK soon, and is suddenly pregnant. Alarm bells are ringing.

Oh dear. HRTFT but I sympathise, can't be your ideal scenario and he misjudged the announcement!

I have friends whose son worked in Asia (not Korea but close), met a girl and married her. They moved back here and in with his parents. They will never be able to afford to move out (both min wage) and the wife sends all her wages home to her parents as that is their culture. They already have one child.

I have no advice but do sympathise. You have some tough choices ahead....

About 10 years ago a friend fostered a baby for a Korean student and her boyfriend. Mother was torn when it was time to return home because of the stigma of being an unmarried mother but also because apparently many benefits were therefore unavailable such as free education.. She seriously thought about having the child adopted but eventually took her home but the family was sworn to secrecy re the child’s illegitimacy. Father was ethnically Chinese and that was also hidden.
So wherever this couple hopes to live there are likely to be difficulties and heartbreak.

I found my test when my child was about 4 months and could no longer tell.

Regardless, I wouldn’t give it away as a present either!

My mum wasx18 when she had me, I was 24 when I had my eldest. My daughter announced her pregnancy at age 18 and her second when she was 19. If she hadn't had horrendous depression following them both she would have been a good mum. His parents took them in to keep them out of care and they have a good parental relationship.

She didnt have her third until 5 years later. No sign of pnd and she is the most loving mother to all of them. Married to all 3's father.

We took them in during the third pregnancy, well actually they were living with us before she got pregnant.

As your son is the dad he is not going to get the depression, but you need to talk to him about his plans. He's obviously excited , but has he thought about the future? Is he intending on moving to Korea? Has he checked residency for both countries.?

Discord is getting more mainstream now, but it's still known as a place for gamers and geeks.

I'm sure you probably talked to your son at some point about sex, young parenthood and protection, but I'm afraid that young parenthood is still probably more normalised for him than it is for the average 20 year old.

Inside he's already had a panic or will have one in future, so I don't think there's much point bashing him about this. He needs to figure out how he can live independently asap.

I've been an economic migrant. I went to the US when the UK was shit in the late 1970s (it was great, I was successful and I returned with more than I could have earned in Britain). I deeply approve childless young people moving across countries and cultures to improve their prospects. Children do complicate the situation enormously, but S Korea is in a birth rate crisis. I don't know enough about the local politics to have an opinion here.

If the OP wants to be judgemental and hypocritical at her sons actions, it’s fair game for people on the thread to be judgemental of her attitude.