to think FILs are tolerated more than MILs?

[HazelMember]

People talk endlessly about nightmare MILs. There are stereotypes, jokes and endless advice about setting boundaries. But when it comes to FILs, it feels like they often get a pass.

If a FIL is rude, dismissive, domineering or quietly undermining, it is brushed off as his personality, his generation or just how men are. If a MIL behaved in the same way, it would quickly be labelled toxic or controlling. With FILs, you are expected to ignore it, laugh it off or manage your own reaction.

What really gets me is how quickly the responsibility shifts onto women. You are told to be kind, to be patient, to not rock the boat and to keep the peace. There is very little expectation that the FIL reflects on his behaviour or changes it.

AIBU to think FILs are tolerated more than MILs? Or is this another example of bad behaviour being excused because it comes from older men?

Yes I am sure there are amazing FILs. I am not saying all FILs are nightmares.

Sadly women often seem to tear down other women, even if a man is to blame for something some women will look for another woman to blame instead!

Yanbu x

I disagree I've seen many posts about rude fils and I've posted about mine many times.

However it's usually women who are at the forefront of these relationships .

I'm not a massive fan of either of mine... but find my MIL more problematic as she is actively interfering and makes trouble.

I do think there can be the added dynamic of some MIL's thinking their sons are surrogate husbands and getting into competition with the DIL. Mine tries this. It's particularly galling.

I think many FIL’s are just in the background. My MIL is generally ok but has definitely taken a few swipes at me, FIL has never anything unpleasant to me. I’ve seen quite a few posts about FIl’s who are absolutely awful. I don’t think it’s about their sex I think it’s about the behaviour.

I do also think that people rely too heavily on older women and never seem to think grandad should be doing childcare. Thats definitely rooted in sexism.

.

Hard wired? I certainly don't feel this way.

Yes, the threads about MIL vs FIL on here must be at a ratio of about 1000:1

@YourZippyHare absolutly .

It's not hard.

Be respectful of adult DC ,treat them with the same respect you would good friends and don't push things on them
Ask.

This. My FIL is the root problem. He's so emotionally unaware my MIL latched on to my DH as her emotional support - which is an uncomfortable dynamic when she expects it to take precedence over our marriage. But because the most conflict stems from MIL behaviours, I would complain about this the most.

I think much like their sons the dads tend to hang back and don’t want to rock the boat too much.

So when he says something people don’t agree with he didn’t argue his point he just backs off. The grumpy fil with those bad views.

He also tends to not be the person trying to arrange people that tends to fall to women so again back seat he wont instigate meeting up.

My own fil can either be a laugh or sits there like he cannot hear you. Fil is likely just a judgy as mil is but he will silently judge you.

My mil is uptight and will snoop and cannot not pass comment.

Fil isn’t trying to come into my home uninvited or demand we attend events however so his funny or moody silent judgement is very avoidable.

So yeah I guess fil seems to get a pass because his more tolerable he keeps himself to himself while mil will voice everything every time and cannot read a room.

I do also think that people rely too heavily on older women and never seem to think grandad should be doing childcare. Thats definitely rooted in sexism.

100%. This is worthy of a post in itself.

Absolutely.
It's because FiLs tend to be passively rubbish. Zero interest in the family, uninvolved, no offers to help, live in a selfish bubble, and only cause inconvenience or annoy with their conversation, because MiL brings them along with her.
Without MiL prompting, you'd probably never see them.
MiL on the other hand tend to be interested enough to want to get involved and be 'helpful', which is fraught with danger of getting it wrong.
Also there is a particular level of contempt reserved for older women, that older men seem to escape.

We're NC with FIL for a reason. He's an evil old bastard and our lives are immeasurably better for his absence.

Yes I agree OP. There are very, very few posts about problematic FILs. But I do think that's because they simply don't get involved in family affairs as much as their wives do. MILs have usually had a lifetime of running a home and bringing up her own kids and thus she tries to be "helpful" and offer advice to her DIL. It's a rare FIL who is invested in what the grandchildren eat or wear. Or whether the DIL hangs her washing outside, puts it in an airer or makes bunting out of it.

Women tend to be a lot more toxic to each other IME. The men are usually just happy to get pissed and have a laugh.

...and vice versa

Yes, people do moan about MILd more but I agree with others that it’s mostly due to MILs being more involved.

Do also agree that MILs are generally more helpful (hence being at the forefront), so it’s sort of unfair.

Personally, I find both can be irritating, intrusive, make rude comments and lack social awareness, have the same weird habits etc… In-laws aren’t your parents at the end of the day and are likely to get on your nerves.

MILs are judged against a higher and often contradictory standard. They are expected to be hands on, especially with childcare, but not too involved. If they step back, they can be seen as uncaring yet FILs are rarely judged for lack of childcare or being too interfering.

a rude FIL can easily be ignored, you can just nod and get on with things. They rarely have an opinion on everything.

MIL from hell tend to try to intrude, and actively make themselves a nightmare. If they were just rude and dismissive too, you would just roll your eyes. MIL from hell try to come uninvited, "cuddle" the baby that is not theirs, prevent mums to physically keep their baby, try to dictate how children are raised and so on

If FIL and MIL are behaving exactly the same way, they will be judged exactly the same way. MIL as less tolerated because they make themselves untolerable.

If FIL and MIL are behaving exactly the same way, they will be judged exactly the same way.

This is not true. Ever heard of misogyny?

Oh 100%.

There seems to be a lot of pissing up the DH's leg for both the wife and MIL to mark their territories.

So many MNetters warning women not to listen to a bloke when he goes on about a 'crazy ex', yet so many MNetters going on about 'crazy MILs'.

MILs who underfeed/overfeed/not interested enough in their DG/too interested in their DG etc.

The list is endless and yet they rarely go into competition with their FIL.

I think it’s a combination of FILs being generally uninvolved/uninterested (or at least being less vocal ) , plus society’s penchant for cutting them some slack for being male . If any excuse can be found, it will be found.

Generally I agree. However I would happily spend time with my annoying mil, Id be happier if I never saw my fil again. He's so controlling and yet they all put him on a pedestal, really pisses me off!