to think FILs are tolerated more than MILs?

[HazelMember]

People talk endlessly about nightmare MILs. There are stereotypes, jokes and endless advice about setting boundaries. But when it comes to FILs, it feels like they often get a pass.

If a FIL is rude, dismissive, domineering or quietly undermining, it is brushed off as his personality, his generation or just how men are. If a MIL behaved in the same way, it would quickly be labelled toxic or controlling. With FILs, you are expected to ignore it, laugh it off or manage your own reaction.

What really gets me is how quickly the responsibility shifts onto women. You are told to be kind, to be patient, to not rock the boat and to keep the peace. There is very little expectation that the FIL reflects on his behaviour or changes it.

AIBU to think FILs are tolerated more than MILs? Or is this another example of bad behaviour being excused because it comes from older men?

Yes I am sure there are amazing FILs. I am not saying all FILs are nightmares.

I generally agree with the consensus. Annoying/ grumpy/ rude FILs are easy to ignore and easy to go very low contact with. My own MIL's partner is very toxic (and abusive) but very easy to have very very little to do with. You can get away with sitting them in a chair at Christmas and pretty much ignoring them (other than announcing food/drink) and tuning out anything they have to say. Then not seeing them again for another year and there would be no complaints or drama. No-one is taking any advice about child rearing from a man who wouldn't know a nappy if it hit them in the face. DH, I, BIL and SIL pretty much play toxic bingo (and try not to make eye contact with one another or else we end up laughing) for the 40 minutes that MIL's partner graces us with his presence for Christmas day.

Awful MIL's on the other hand often display behaviour that causes issues and conflict within their son's family unit. They can either become very possessive over her son or very distant. They may be over or under invested in their grandchildren. Either way, they often have an opinion and don't read the room or make comments just to be inflammatory or become like a dog with a bone over something and will not let it go. They winge or in my MIL's case, cry down the phone to DH for hours about things that she thinks or has chosen to be offensive to her. For example this year's crying session was because SIL (who has 4 autistic DC who were all in various states of disregulation by boxing day tea time and one was actively having a melt down) didn't say thank you for her Christmas card when MIL gave it to her (whilst SIL is trying to actively calm a meltdown). I also offended her because I took the 3 month old baby upstairs for a feed and a nap (hadn't slept all day due to all the activity and was very cranky. Was too nosey to feed properly but was starving) and didn't say I was going upstairs.