to think FILs are tolerated more than MILs?

[HazelMember]

People talk endlessly about nightmare MILs. There are stereotypes, jokes and endless advice about setting boundaries. But when it comes to FILs, it feels like they often get a pass.

If a FIL is rude, dismissive, domineering or quietly undermining, it is brushed off as his personality, his generation or just how men are. If a MIL behaved in the same way, it would quickly be labelled toxic or controlling. With FILs, you are expected to ignore it, laugh it off or manage your own reaction.

What really gets me is how quickly the responsibility shifts onto women. You are told to be kind, to be patient, to not rock the boat and to keep the peace. There is very little expectation that the FIL reflects on his behaviour or changes it.

AIBU to think FILs are tolerated more than MILs? Or is this another example of bad behaviour being excused because it comes from older men?

Yes I am sure there are amazing FILs. I am not saying all FILs are nightmares.

I read a quote the other day “women are easy to hate” and I think it very much applies to MIL. I can’t stand mine, but the reality is she’s just so easy to hate. I suspect the same is true of me, as a DIL, so there the dynamic stays

On half the threads the MILs crime is having a different opinion. The DIL is being just as difficult.

FILs just sit in the corner quietly.

but that is true.

Misogyny has nothing to do with anything. FIL are, generally, more tolerated, because they are not behaving the way MIL from hell are.

If they were, people would react the same. Goes both ways, if FIL decides to spank a child, and MIL is just an annoying busy-body as most are, the DIL or SIL will block FIL and keep putting up with MIL.

Nothing to do with misogyny when the sex and gender are irrelevant, and people would react exactly the same way, regardless of who is being a nightmare. Too often, it's MIL, who seem to think they have a right to.

I think a lot of people are being unfair. Lots of us didn’t like our mother in laws because they weren’t very nice.
Constant rude and personal comments, complaining about every single thing I ever did. Ruining meals, holidays, visits. No she didn’t do childcare. She babysat once and that was enough (she left baby screaming in a room to ‘teach her a lesson’.). She also meddled in relationships between her children and didn’t like me to speak to BIL because she thought it was ‘inappropriate’. Ultimately she wanted DH to divorce me and move back home and I was the barrier.
FIL was childish but he was mostly easy to manage and kept himself busy.

Its okay to not like other women sometimes.

that's not accurate at all

and if it was (and it's more than that and you know it) ,why would MIL think it's acceptable to judge and make negative comments with their DIL when they wouldn't do it with anyone else?

You can have different opinions, but you keep it to yourself. Or people just don't bother with you, but because MIL is sadly the husband's family, they they have to still see her.

Its okay to not like other women sometimes.

Nobody is denying this.

You think it is that simple?

Women are still paid less then men, men still have more wealth and power and you think men and women get treated exactly the same?

I said half, not all. I have no idea what you MIL is like.

I think FILs when rude are just seen as stupid old men that no one takes any notice of. I wouldn't say that's them being let off lightly. Being thought of and made to feel insignificant is pretty brutal. I'd rather someone shouted at me and called me an overbearing cow than be seen as insignificant.

The experience with my in-laws was that my FIL was welcoming, asked questions about me and asks after me.

My MIL was not and didn’t really show interest in me until I was pregnant and even then, FIL’s interrupted her to ask how I was after she kept asking questions about baby. Didn’t seem to occur to her to ask after me. She definitely treated me different to her other DIL.

I never badmouthed her, polite and courteous. I had hoped for some type of closeness but that didn’t happen and I accepted it and stop putting in additional effort after several years of trying from my end. She has said some really off things to me in the past and I have kept them to myself instead of telling DH and he shuts her down as well when she is being ridiculous.

She has her own circle of sisters, friends, and her own daughter who has children so could understand and relationships are a two way street. Granted, we do have several things in common so not like we’re complete opposites and we are cordial. DH talks to her several times a week and I maybe a handful of times a year.

FIL is definitely not perfect but he has treated me like I was one of his own and reminds me of my own father.

My DH gets on with my parents. He gets on better with my mum than I do and she will ask after him and bring things over for him when she comes from the States. She treats him better than me.

Dad and DH get along well and they have lots of conversations about history and sports.

From what I’ve seen with other family members in-laws, there isn’t much of a competitive nature between DIL and FIL or MIL and SoIL, but have seen a lot when it comes to mothers not liking who sons choose as their wives. I think parents regardless of gender have an idea or picture in their head of what their adult children’s spouses may be or look like and when it doesn’t match, they struggle to accept it regardless if the spouse is good or not.

what are you on about 😂

you are confusing so many different issues that are completely irrelevant 😂

I have had a rude FIL, but I think FIL dont interfere like some MIL do. It is the boundary crssing which makes it different, rather than the lack of manners. Lack of manners you can brush off, but when someone is claiming time with your child or telling you how to run your home it is very different

My lovely father in law was just happy to be involved and included in his children’s lives.

My mother in law was not happy to simply be involved and included in her children’s lives, she wanted to be in control of her children’s lives.

That’s the difference.

I have no doubt that there are some nightmare FIL’s out there, but they are so much less likely to be actively interfering in their child's and your life.

Young women or MILs tend to be judgemental about each other more than the men, I wonder is it the same the other way around. I suspect FIL relationships are more difficult or tense with men.

True, but how many men get to stay at home while their wife brings in the money?

Is that what it is all about? Who earns the money?

Earning money means men have more rights and get treated better than women who stay at home looking after children?

that's not a wrong debate to have

but what does have to do with your thread? (nothing) Start another thread if you want to discuss this!

In my experience women tend to interfere a lot more with things that don't really concern them. Men are more likely to just let things be.

I disagree but I can only speak for my own experience, four years of malice, premeditated venom and jealousy, all the misery that went with it, and the end of our relationship.

Perhaps ask married men how they get on with their SILs. That would be comparable.

While it's true that women are judged to a higher standard, I think that the crux of the problem is that MILs actively interfere in every day life.

Sure, FIL can be a lazy ignorant rude bastard, but he will also just sit in the chair. He won't reorganise my fridge, take my baby from my arms, etc etc.

My ex in laws were lovely, pity about their daughter!

They even - discretely acknowledged how bad my ex wife's behaviour had been - attempted financial abuse in the divorce.

As others have pointed out, it is down to the level of involvement.

Fathers generally don’t involve themselves in their adult children’s relationships. Some do but not often to the level that mothers do.

I also think there’s the possibility that many women not only sense but know when other women don’t like them the same way as men know when other men don’t like them when it comes to such dynamics.

Add children to the mix, something most women typically bond over, unspoken and ignored expectations, there’s going to be some type of conflict, whether small or large.

Women get criticised if they let things be whereas men get left alone.

No one gets criticised for letting things be, when those things do not concern them.

Which is the issue most people have with their MILs.

and women love to martyr themselves and take ridiculous pride on things that don't matter.

See all the threads about the "perfect" Christmas, the only right way to fold a towel, and stupid nonsense that the majority of men don't give a crap about, but too many women do.

If women could stop being their worst enemy and stop competing with the Joneses, they would enjoy themselves a lot more.

I am a woman, the hysteria about frantically getting the house "visitor-ready" 30mn before anyone is due to pop in equally puzzle me and irritate me 😂. We are not all that bad!