Anxiety - consultation cancelled due to kids noise

[Kardelen]

So my husband has severe anxiety. He found this private company that offer help relieve symptoms. It’s very expensive but w e thought we would try just incase it helps as nothing else seems to be helping.

unfortunately my husband was struggling with setting up the teams meeting so I was trying to help and kids were in the room.

as soon as it was set up I tried taking the kids out the room but the consultant said she can’t continue like this with the children, and for him to go somewhere private.

we live in flat… so when they continued with the consultation my daughter started to cry in another room so I was trying my best to calm her down.
but the doctor said she can’t continue and ended the phone call.

i don’t know ifs just me but I feel really annoyed? As not everyone lives in a house and can go somewhere private?

especially if they are dealing with anxious people, should they not be a bit more lenient?

You could have just taken them for a walk while your DH was doing his consultation . 🤷‍♀️

It was an important, awaited appointment. First point should have been to go through the teams set up in advance so it was working and connecting at the start of the appointment. Second point should be to set up somewhere quiet with no interruptions or distractions. If that means wrapping the kids up and and taking them on a walk, the park or the shops then thats what should have happened.

Unfortunately you were not set up properly for the appointment to continue effectively therefore it needed to stop. I'd be surprised if they reschedule without a charge for the new appointment. Im sure all of these points were set out as terms and conditions for the first appointment.

It’s very difficult living in a flat and trying to get peace.

Its Sod’s Law that they’ll start making noise as soon as you need quiet.

But you cannot be in the same room when DH has therapy - this is ridiculous and he needs to do this 1 thing by himself.

If you can’t take the kids out, then next time, do something that you know keeps them quiet - movie, screen time, dinner etc.

Its likely yours and DHs anxiety were heightened and they picked up on this.

It’s fair enough that they couldn’t do therapy.
Its meant to be completely private and if the therapist and client can’t hear each other then what’s the point.

Hopefully next time will be much smoother.

@Kardelen I think you were in a really difficult position- primarily of your husbands making. It seems that you are taking on all of the practical and mental burden at home as well as the financial load due to your husband’s anxiety. I really sympathise. However, your husband does have to take the decision that he wants to address his anxiety- actually address it, by himself. And that means him ( not you) holding responsibility for the appointments. He needs to check if Teams works and he needs to attend the appointment by himself. He can ask you to help him to write down some of the important things beforehand but having you beside him during the appointment means that the therapist’s attention is divided and that also that your husband isnt giving the session 100% as he is relying on you.

I know how hard it is to live with someone with mental illness. It’s essential that you implement boundaries otherwise you will lose yourself for his sake. Also - in order to treat anxiety the person has to challenge themselves and be uncomfortable.A lot of people are very comfortable with having anxiety - in your case you have taken away lots of work and responsibilities from your husband. Does he actually truthfully really want things to change?

This will be my last post as it’s derailing the thread.

I work out of the home. I have no choice. In the past year I have rang organisations where the person is at home. I have had my conversation interrupted by someone’s child shouting MUUUUMMMM as well as the doorbell ringing and they cut me off to go and answer it.

My computer system stopped working. I rang IT. The man I spoke to was working from home. And as a result was unable to access what he needed to fix my system apparently. Cool. What an I supposed to do?? I can’t work either now! Ridiculous.

I have people attend appointments with me who are “working from home”. I had a client mid appointment leap up and say sorry my boss is ringing I’m supposed to be at work and disappeared out the building. Then came back in 15 minutes later expecting me to carry on but they had missed the remainder of their appointment. My next client was now waiting. They complained then refused to pay me. (I have clients almost daily tell me they are “working” so need to keep their phone in their hand and may need to answer mid appointment).

I have no issue with people working from home if they have the ability and space. But too many people either can’t do their full job, can’t concentrate on their job, or are trying to do other things while “working” in order to avoid taking annual leave etc.

Sorry OP but if the kids were disruptive enough to be an issue for this appointment then they were well enough to be bundled up and taken outside for a few minutes. What did you expect the therapist to do? It's not fair or safe for them to try and have very serious conversations whilst little ones are listening and being distracting. You both need to be a lot more accomodating if you want any hope of treating your DH. That's on you not your therapist.

Not at all. What a stupid thing to say. We lived in a flat when my husband was at uni. Unfortunately it was lockdown. I tried mu best but that is their home and it's fucking freezing out.

YANBU OP. People have busy lives and things cant always be perfect, surely that's part of what they should be talking to your husband about rather than causing him more stress? I don't know why they couldn't have just said - if you can get the children out of the way this will be more effective and carried on. Do make sure they reschedule and don't charge you again, unless it is in their Ts and Cs a room must be silent I dont think they can just take your money and run.

Ah ok it was maybe said in an update or so

I have online therapy and live in a house with thin walls.

If the therapist or consultant can see or hear children, then it is not a private appointment, and they therefore must cancel or postpone.

I don’t think anyone is judging you as such. But there cannot be any distractions such as present or crying children. If that’s the situation then there’s no point in booking the appointment.

Your partner needs noise cancelling headphones, using a microphone that can be muted, and the children need to be completely out of the way and not disrupting the appointment or out of the house. If they can’t be removed from the situation then you need to postpone the appointment.

Must have been loud for a call to be ended.

I'm a therapist and I would not have done what the dr did.
You have to accept if you do online sessions that there will be noise. The most important thing for me is if the client is comfortable.

Then why didn’t you arrange for someone to have the kids if they are not old enough to not cry if you are busy doing something and can not give them attention!!

I thought that that therapy sessions had to be private?

I guess if it’s so loud you can’t hear each other and if DH was getting more anxious over it then it would have been pointless carrying on.

Try headphones next time as it blocks out a lot of the background noise if using microphone and headphones rather than laptop speaker.

It is disappointing, hopefully rearranged soon.

I do online therapy and background noise can be very disturbing. My therapist has a dog (outside her room) that occasionally barks and it is suprising how much it disrupts the session. We have worked together long enough that we ignore it to see if it calms quickly, or she leaves for a minute or two to put the dog somewhere totally out of earshot. But in the very early sessions it is pretty likely she would have re-scheduled (at no cost to me given it was her dog). In this situation, which sounds like a first consultation, the therapist and client have no relationship to fall back on; quiet and privacy is essential. It is entirely possible that the OP's DH was in fact displaying anxiety or upset or whatever at the noise and how can the therapist get a proper impression of the situation in those circumstances? It's not only a waste of time, it could actually be counter-productive.

I've had work calls (not therapy) where the disruption by children and/or animals is such that I can only hear one word in three and have to constantly ask the person to repeat themselves. I can just about muddle through this on a short call with specific aims. I can't imagine that this is remotely appropriate for a therapy session. It certainly would not make for a calm therapeutic atmosphere.

OP and DH do need to think about creating an appropriate environment for the call. If the children were in another room with (presumably) doors closed and still the noise was distracting, they must have been pretty loud.

I think it's a safeguarding matter in regards to the OP's dc too. The therapist doesn't know what will be said and it would be unprofessional to continue in earshot of children.

Separately, some posters really love kicking someone when they're down.

OP, it's a learning experience but what a shame you are getting abuse from posters when your family is already struggling. So sorry.

I have anxiety and have online therapy. This is not normal and my therapists wouldn’t be ok with me saying I couldn’t even handle a session on my own. So you are very unreasonable to say your crying loud children were left unattended elsewhere and you expect the therapist to just listen to the sound because your husband won’t even do his therapy appt alone.

The therapist didn't get annoyed at her patient with anxiety, she (quite rightly) was annoyed at the screaming children in the background, and with OP for not taking them out of the rooom promptly.

I think you've learned a valuable lesson through this experience.
When scheduling an appointment it has to be done in a conducive environment, no interruptions, no background noise and each side able to hear the other clearly.
Good luck going forward.

I think it's a safeguarding matter in regards to the OP's dc too. The therapist doesn't know what will be said and it would be unprofessional to continue in earshot of children.

Carsmad is right about this.

I am sorry that you feel more upset than you did, but there are quite strict lines in the sand with online therapy and appointments, and the 'online' aspect of it can be stressful in different ways when the Teams/Zoom aspect is a feature instead of face to face. Your DH must absolutely learn how to take responsibility and handle that part himself (or I foresee it will become a bigger stressor for him) and to be able to react to any online glitches when nobody else is there. I have had 1-1 online counselling and also had to be the 'tech person' for a lot of different online formats that involve young users, with Teams and Zoom. I hate the 2 tools with a passion, but there are essentials to get to grips with rather than just opting out. Not being bailed out (or bending someone else to do something for you, such as the therapist to have to rethink their working styes) is actually quite a good stepping stone in the case of anxiety problems.

If the children were ill enough not to be able to manage the routine, then it may have been better for him to try to reschedule if they ideally needed both of you.

OP, please don’t feel bad. Your circumstances are your circumstances and all you and your DH can do is to learn from them and plan differently for next time.

The doctor can decide whether or not the consultation can go ahead and they aren’t being unreasonable especially if information received before the appointment was clear about making sure interruptions were avoided. Learn from this and move on. I’m sorry the appointment didn’t go ahead as planned. Good luck for next time!

when I have appointments with people in their homes I ask them to turn the telly off as it is distracting for everyone. I’d leave if there were screaming kids and we couldn’t have a serious conversation

Take the kids out! It’s not difficult.