Anxiety - consultation cancelled due to kids noise

[Kardelen]

So my husband has severe anxiety. He found this private company that offer help relieve symptoms. It’s very expensive but w e thought we would try just incase it helps as nothing else seems to be helping.

unfortunately my husband was struggling with setting up the teams meeting so I was trying to help and kids were in the room.

as soon as it was set up I tried taking the kids out the room but the consultant said she can’t continue like this with the children, and for him to go somewhere private.

we live in flat… so when they continued with the consultation my daughter started to cry in another room so I was trying my best to calm her down.
but the doctor said she can’t continue and ended the phone call.

i don’t know ifs just me but I feel really annoyed? As not everyone lives in a house and can go somewhere private?

especially if they are dealing with anxious people, should they not be a bit more lenient?

@KardelenOP, noise cancelling headphones are going to be your DH’s friend here. I have some for working from home and they’re amazing, we ca had building work or dogs barking going on in the background and no-one on the call can hear it. It will also help your husband block everything out to focus on the call.

Having undertaken counselling, believe me it would have been important for the therapist to see your DH by himself certainly for the first session and it would also have been important for him to be in a private place away from any distractions. Make sure when he rearranges his session he has peace and privacy, including from you.

Yes. I think the therapist was right to end the call if the therapeutic space was inappropriate, paid for or not.

These things happen, kids are unpredictable and we don’t all have space/ childcare/ time. I think you’re getting a hard time on this thread, probably from a majority who have never had to keep multiple small children quiet in a small flat. You tried op, don’t beat yourself up.

I see some PPs have picked up on this as well.

When you've made a commitment to addressing your anxiety, you need to embrace the responsibility for it. It's not really on to share a therapy session with a third party unless it's an intentionally multiway project. Your presence would be expected to inhibit both DH and the therapist.

You can support him more effectively by:

• ensuring the connection's set up before the start time;
• working with him to make notes in advance;
• arranging to go out with the DC before it starts.

Good preparation, basically.

If he's scared of the actual session start, he should prepare some self-support: a cup of tea, a warm blanket, a breathing ritual, something. The first couple of times, maybe he'd like to phone you while he logs in? The therapist will help him with this once she knows him.

Here's my favourite breathing prompt 🙂
https://tenor.com/en-GB/view/breathing-exercise-shapes-triangle-square-gif-833188648845214299

OP It must have been very disappointing to feel you were hanging on for this and then it not to happen. People aren’t trying to be mean just to explain that one person only and a calm environment are important parameters for therapy. In the old days before online was a thing the ideal for a course of therapy would be the same room at the same time and set up the same way for the whole course. It’s about a therapeutic space, feeling safe and it’s an important part of the process.

Yeah, you’ve had a really hard time here, OP, and very little sympathy (but that’s what you can expect these days, on here).

Hopefully, you can reschedule the appointment although like a PP asked, who are these people that he’s having a call with and what are their methods for reducing anxiety? Has your husband consulted his GP for help?

For what it’s worth, I had moderate to severe anxiety for about 3 years and after trying a few antidepressants, I tried Fluoxetine. My anxiety was gone almost completely within about 3 days. Honestly, it was like a miracle.

Sending a hug. Hope you’re Ok xx

& this is why it was never going to work....

I don’t know why people are so horrible. I am a therapist and I definitely wouldn’t have ended call. It would be an opportunity to see how the client reacts in a stressful situation and see if any helpful strategies can be put in place. Big hug from me.

This isn’t about you. It’s about helping your husband in a particular situation that was pre-planned. I think most people just want you to see it, so you can support him better next time. I repeat it’s not about you

Op I agree with you, was a bit ridiculous she got annoyed with someone dealing with anxiety!!!!!

So how was that ever going to work?

I had to do a speed course awareness online during Covid times and the noise coming from other people's homes was horrendous and really distracting. The course leader had to be quite arsy in the end telling people to close doors to the room and disconnect landlines etc. Noise travels badly on microphones, and the reality was likely that it was too distracting for the therapist/counsellor.

Why are you spending money though - is he not seeing his GP? It sounds like his anxiety is ruling your life, and i mean that kindly. And he needs to take responsibility for his mental health because he's the only one who can fix it. This company could be complete charlatans for all he knows and I would encourage approaching some better known organisations if he won't go to the GP.

I am guessing it was quite noisy and maybe he was too distracted that they felt the session would not be worth anyone's time. Surely the whole family wouldn't have traipsed into a doctor's appointment and expected to be able to listen thoroughly.

I get this at work sometimes.

When I ring out then its luck of the draw about the situation you end up in, its when people ring in with loud music in the background then start shouting at someone to turn it off

This just isn't true. In fact, there is no evidence that WFH has a detrimental impact on productivity and quality. The push for workers to return to the office came from wealthy property owners who didn't want to see the value of their city centre office blocks go down. This, and the fact that people working from home saw expenditure transferred from central business districts to suburbia. Many people have swallowed this nonsense and it will be to the detriment of us all. If we are serious about tackling climate change and air pollution we have to let go of the commute. Everyone whose work can be done from home should be working from home. We have allowed the chink of daylight COVID gave us to be closed due to envy and arrant stupidity. It's incredibly frustrating.

I was thinking the same. No wonder your husband has severe anxiety - he cannot even get a minutes peace to speak privately to someone trying to help him.

Yes it is perfectly normal for the practitioner to request its private and calm. That’s what a professional should do because they are creating the protected space for him to be heard and understood. I don’t see why you should be in the room with him either. It’s possible for him to take in some notes that he can prepare with your help in advance but it’s his thoughts and feelings that are important here.

If your husband wanted you there, how was that ever going to work unless the children could just be left in another room for the call?

It may have been a combination of him not being set up & ready to take the call plus wanting him to be alone?

this, you wasted the doctors time which they had set aside for this appointment. It couldn't be conducted in the environment you provided so expect to pay again.

Were the children in the room making noise then as well?
It’s frankly bizarre that either of you considers this to be ok.
How does your life work with young children and a husband who can’t be left alone??

Sorry everyone has been so horrid OP.

As someone who conducts mental health assessments the reason she ended the call is that she couldn’t maintain a safe and confidential space. Common topics could
include suicidal ideation, self harm or past trauma/abuse so not things you would want others over hearing, especially not children.

Might be easier for your partner to find somewhere else to do the call like a family members house or even in your bathroom if that has a lock.

I’m sure if you explain that you weren’t aware privacy was needed they will be happy to rearrange.

Best of luck x

Noise may not have been bad on your end to you but over teams it could have been significant to the person your husband is talking to.

The whole thing sounds weird tbh.

First you say you were in the room helping him with Teams. Then it turned into you "trying"(?) to take the kids out of the room. Then your daughter crying in another room was SO disruptive the therapist couldn't hear or speak (despite, presumably, at least two closed doors between daughter and him?). Then you say your husband had asked you to be present. Which of these was it?

Tbbrutallyh, if I was the therapist I'd be very suspicious you were deliberately bustling round trying to nose in on your adult husband's private medical consultation. And I'd probably also be wondering if half the problem wasn't this whole set up as well. He is entitled to a private consultation and I expect that is how the therapist works as well.

Your problems are not lesser or inconsequential, but that also means neither are his. I hope you both find the help you individually need.

"He found this private company that offer help relieve symptoms. It’s very expensive but w e thought we would try just incase it helps as nothing else seems to be helping."

What kind of company is it?

A private clinic offering consultations with qualified psychiatrists, psychologists or registered therapists or what?

Do you know what the qualifications are of the person your husband is paying for a consultation and which professional body regulates their services?

This.

If you can't take them out next time then consider where you position yourselves and get set up well in advance.

If you can be a couple of rooms apart with the door shut then that's better than right next door. Start a film or activity 10-15 minutes before the session starts so the kids are settled and distracted elsewhere.

If you do take them out is there a park or something close by? Plan it and perhaps test it in advance so your husband knows he can manage on his own and you are still near.

It sounds like you are having a hard time and things just went wrong here.