Anxiety - consultation cancelled due to kids noise

[Kardelen]

So my husband has severe anxiety. He found this private company that offer help relieve symptoms. It’s very expensive but w e thought we would try just incase it helps as nothing else seems to be helping.

unfortunately my husband was struggling with setting up the teams meeting so I was trying to help and kids were in the room.

as soon as it was set up I tried taking the kids out the room but the consultant said she can’t continue like this with the children, and for him to go somewhere private.

we live in flat… so when they continued with the consultation my daughter started to cry in another room so I was trying my best to calm her down.
but the doctor said she can’t continue and ended the phone call.

i don’t know ifs just me but I feel really annoyed? As not everyone lives in a house and can go somewhere private?

especially if they are dealing with anxious people, should they not be a bit more lenient?

I agree. It's completely unacceptable for workers to have kids/dogs as background noise when they're working and I hate it when I have to phone HMRC or the council or other govt agencies and their staff aren't concentrating because of kids, dogs, the doorbell ringing, etc., as it just causes wasted time and more often than not, they don't actually follow through agreed actions, meaning another wasted call!

As an accountant, I also hate it when on calls with clients and have to keep repeating as they can't hear me over background noise and often it's obvious they're not listening to what I'm saying as they're being distracted by the kids/dogs. I do sometimes tell them we'll re-arrange when it's bad and they won't concentrate - they don't seem to think it's a problem, but I'm not going to keep repeating myself! If we were having a "face to face" meeting, it'd be quiet with no distractions, so phone calls/facetime calls should be no different.

Next time
The day before - remind him his appointment is tomorrow.
Remind him in the morning and half an hour before.
Get your kids ready to go out.
Set up the meeting 15 minutes before.
Give him a hug and then take your kids out somewhere.
Return an 60-90 minutes later.

We used to live in a tiny flat with a young baby and then a baby and toddler I remember how annoying it is but realistically the only solution is to go out. To the park, a museum, a bus ride....... anywhere but at home when the person at home needs a quiet space for an hour or so.

I have regular teams meetings every month and often have to mute people because of background noise at their end. To you in the room the noise won’t sound that bad but the way it transfers on computers it is a lot noisier. I had someone with a radio on really low so they could hardly hear it in the room, but on the meeting it was much louder and really distracting the meeting so I muted them.

I think if you had already paid she shouldn't really have been allowed to just end the call. I imagine she just wasn't that bothered and was looking for an excuse to have a break. Which reinforces my reasoning for using ChatGPT as my counsellor....more patient and knowledgeable.

I'd look at your DH's environment and job and not assume that people should be able to cope with anything without their brain and body protesting.

The therapist was 100% correct. It sounded like chaos and neither the therapist nor your husband would be able to concentrate with a child crying in the background. I would suggest investing in some good noise cancelling earphones for your husband and if possible leave the house when he has a session.

@Kardelen please ignore the haters, dont let them get you down.

Make a list of goals for your future self/selves and work towards it tiny bit by tiny bit. It might take you years but if you gradually chip away at it you'll get there eventually. xxxx

@Kardelen I'm sorry you are getting a hard time on here. Suggest your husband has a look at this video;

YABU. It wouldn't have been that difficult to take the kids outside somewhere (for a little walk or something.) I would have cut the meeting short too if I had been the Consultant!

Yes the companies don’t want it of course because they are noticing that work doesn’t get done to the same standard. But the workers who have been at home insist despite having babies/children with them they are working to an even higher productivity etc. (Which we all know is rubbish).
But there has been many threads on here where people have had work meetings with other colleagues with kids on their laps etc or people have rang various customer services and have had very distracted CS people with screaming kids and/or dogs barking throughout phone calls. The replies are normally that everyone should be kind and that person may be struggling and how childcare is so expensive and we should be glad these mothers are working etc.

It’s a therapeutic call.
he needs to take it in a therapeutic space.

i.e no kids and no interruptions.

This wasn't well planned. You were never doing to be able to be part of the consultation with the kids present, especially if they're sick. The options were to arrange childcare, you take the kids out or he makes the call from elsewhere.

This isn't the consultants fault.

Sorry but that was always going to be an absolute disaster. My father was a chartered psychologist and would never have done any sort of consultation with a child anywhere near unless the consultation was specifically about that child. Any other children would not have been allowed in the building. If it was an adult consultation then children would never be allowed to be there whether it's zoom or not. Totally inappropriate and I'm not surprised the doctor cancelled it.

When I had my CBT therapy over the phone I couldn’t do it when I had DD home. Children shouldn’t be there anyway as little ears will listen to what’s being said and ask questions and won’t be able to discuss as much if the children hadn’t been there. You should have taken the children out.

Sorry you're going through so much, it's a nightmare when one partner doesn't function and it's all on you. I think maybe because you put up with so much, you're feeling like the counsellor should have sucked up the situation too but other people have their boundaries and it's correct that she wants to see her client in a calm private situation without his kids being audibly distressed - or being audible at all. She can call the shots as it's her practice to provide and if she can't be effective because of the environment he's in, then she's right to end the session. Your DH has to sort this, you're already doing more than enough and something's got to give. You can't be risking your own MH too. You're upset at people here for making you cry but really it's the whole situation that's the issue. People here have just reacted to the chaos of it that you've got used to. They're wrong if they're blaming/judging you for it, but it's understandable that a therapy session needs to be private and calm, that's the main takeaway really.

You're supposed to say 'I hope you don't experience....' not you hope everyone dose.

This sounds very stressful all round op, for everyone involved. The therapist clearly felt they couldn't properly work in those conditions. It sounds like your dh would be best going somewhere in person, online isn't really suitable for your circumstances unfortunately. DH will need to push himself out of his comfort zone at some point if he's serious about recovery - there's no time like the present!

I would maybe email across an apology / explanation to the therapist to see what they say about rescheduling

I disagree with this..she probably knew the environment was not suitable for the work that she wanted to do, therefore it would probably not be effective and may even put the patient off if they felt that it wasn't going to be effective.

Its better for her to end the call and suggest in future the environment is more suitable for a medical appointment.

I work in this field and you simply cannot hold that kind of consultation when there are other people around and/or noise interruptions. It’s a complete waste of time. And the consultant will be blamed for not being effective, when in fact it would be the fault of the environment.

YABU. It would be distracting for a health care professional to do their job effectively with this type of noise in the background and distractions.

In hindsight the appointment perhaps should’ve been rescheduled if the children were ill and/or unlikely to be quiet. You might be used to their noise but to an outsider it would be a nuisance.

Maybe contact the counsellor with an apology for the noise interruptions and rebook an appointment for another time when you and the children can go out. Most reputable counsellors would request no other attendees in the appointment as they want to speak to their client directly without interference. If your dh struggles to remember everything remind him to have a pen and paper/pad handy for the appointment.

I hope he is able to rebook another appointment and finds it helpful.

Yabu. I can understand why she cancelled the appointment. You may have to pay for the rescheduled one.

Sorry you are getting a hard time here OP.
I actually would have expected more flexibility for a paid for service. The therapist could have given more time for things to settle and whilst doing so assessed the situation at home so she could suggest alternatives if needed, such as face to face appointments.
It sounds to me like she couldn't muster up a bit of extra patience and perseverance, I'd be questioning if she will be much use.

was this a medical doctor?

Would you take them to an in person appointment? If the answer to that is no (as it should be) then you don’t have them present at an online appointment.
Online appts might be convenient but they come with their own issues.

It’s an issue of boundaries and those are the same in person or on line. Children should not be present at an initial assessment for a mental health issue. The discussion will be on topics not suitable for children.

Anyone who has been there knows it's tough. Actually it's bloody hard. Therapists will want a calm environment in which to speak with a client, as the chaos of a busy family life is too distracting. They should offer to reschedule and try to find someone to take the kids off your hands for a couple of hours. It sounds like you both need it.

I think the counsellor was being a bit precious. People cope on all sorts of calls with all sorts of background distractions. It's a sharp learning curve for you, and the first call of its kind. There was a lot at stake for you, so I hope it works out better next time. Maybe find someone else?