Had a cry over Christmas cause I feel like I only give and get not much back

[Propage]

I have a lovely family. Every one wanted to have a special Christmas this year. Ie we said we’ll spend a little more on Christmas gifts and foods. The house was decorated beautifully with some posh garlands.

Just for context I live with my parents after my divorce. They have a large home and hosted. Sisters and I decorated together at the beginning of December. It was a great day with cocktails and laughter.

I don’t know I just feel sad. Don’t get me wrong I WANTED to make nice meals like lasagna, steak and ale pie etc so we could enjoy a meal together with wine. And just sit and relax together.

But one day I was at the height of a very mild cold we all sort of have (23rd). Not feeling amazing. I tried hinting I really wasn’t feeling cooking. Everyone was like “no we trust you are hygienic and will wash your hands”. So I just soldiered on as I wanted everyone to have a nice meal together.

Christmas day. I was up at 4 am prepping my cinnamon rolls (couldn’t sleep so thought I’ll just death them out the way and have a nice lie in). Couldn’t end up sleeping again. Had a nice breakfast opening presents. Within mins sister (mains cooker) who has been fine all morning says she is not feeling well and will have a nap before starting. So I offered to help. Ended up doing the whole meal with some people chipping in here and there.

Sister’s husband is running around after sister with pain killers, blankets, hot water bottles. I obviously got next to no attention. It’s fine. Obviously I chose this. I genuinely enjoy sitting around with a lovely meal. And I enjoy making puds. I want my family to feel loved and spoiled. But equally I would love to receive that too.

Got a wonderful expensive gift. So people
have made an effort

Just had a cry. Feel unloved even though my family is lovely. Someone did run out to the pharmacy for me. I feel like I give but have no one looking after me. It’s all one sided. I’m a nice person.

I mean everyone pitched in. But I feel like I’m always the one picking up the slack with the shittest jobs. Ie scrubbed the whole house. Others did more of the fun jobs ie wrap in front of the tv.

My mum has arthritis so is limited to what she can do.

If you have a nice family like you say then you obviously just have to be a bit clearer. I'm really not feeling well so someone else will have to cook this next meal while I have some rest.

You dont really sound like you know what you want, lots of contradictions.

Like what? I don’t believe I have contradicted myself.

Yes, sadly you have joined the martyr queue. You need to be clearer in your head about what you would like and then verbalise that.

You could make it your new year's resolution. It could be fun and definitely empowering 😀.

You say you got a wonderful expensive gift, and someone did run out to the pharmacy for you, but that you feel unloved and no one does anything for you.

If this is your first Christmas post divorce, it must feel extra raw. It sounds like you need to be clearer with everyone about the help you need.

Hmm but it’s not like I want to be a
martyr . I just know if I don’t do the bits I do they won’t get done. And it just makes everything a bit sour and less special. I want to give people the magic and cosiness of Christmas. I just feel sad that no one thought to give me a bit of care.

I had to ask for someone to go get me cough medicine. It was very kind of them to go but it was a 5 month job around the corner. Ordering a gift online is no effort. I didn’t have a single meal cooked for me that I was not involved in. Family were all here for a few days. It would have been nice if someone thought let’s give Em a break.

Lots of contradictions. You say you feel unloved and like nobody cares and like you get nothing back, but you also say you got an expensive gift. You say somebody did go to the pharmacy for you. Other people chipped in with chores. You offered and wanted to make the food.

If you didn’t feel well enough to cook you should have explicitly said, not just dropped a few hints. If you didn’t want to do jobs like cleaning or taking charge of the mains you shouldn’t have done them!

Honestly it sounds like everybody in your family just has different ways of showing how they care, yours seems to be through food but just because that isn’t the case for everybody doesn’t mean they don’t care. You got a nice gift, everybody chipped in, somebody cared enough to go out to the pharmacy for you. It isn’t clear what your actual problem is because it certainly doesn’t sound like people don’t care.

Also, you need to stop doing all the expectations YOU ON YOURSELF as well. I bet your cinnamon rolls are amazing, baking is a wonderful thing, but when Christmas gets rolling people are relaxing yet eating meal after gorgeous meal, no one will appreciate as they probably should be appreciated! If you got up, made yourself coffee, retreated back to bed for a bit and scrolled/ dozed/read a book, then shoved frozen pastries from a supermarket in the oven for ten minutes then people would hardly complain.

I sympathise, because I was like you. Now I am absolutely about giving myself time off.

Why did you "scrub the whole house"? That was a very silly thing to do.

I was the main person cooking. I was the person just telling people please peel that for me, keep an eye on x. I did 85% of the cooking. I was supposed to only be on breakfast and puds. The whole day was pretty much down to me. And it wasn’t a low key thing. A lot of work. I just wish someone would have offered to make me a tea or something. Or ask if I was ok. I had to ask someone to get me cough syrup as I was having coughing fits. No one offered.

Unfortunately people aren’t mind readers and don’t know what you’re secretly hoping for whilst getting up at 4am to bake rolls. It’s also entirely possible that what is lovely to you isn’t so important to them (would everyone have been fine with a takeaway instead of a slaved over home cooked meal on one night, for example?) I’d hazard a guess that you might be feeling a bit lonely if everyone else is coupled up, and that is perfectly understandable. In your shoes, I’d step back from running round after everyone else and treat yourself instead (maybe a spa day for some pampering if that’s feasible?) Wishing you a good rest of Christmas and a great 2026

To get it fresh and cosy for all the visitors.

I offered takeaway but my family is very anti takeaway. People said the offer of a takeaway was gross.

Yes, everyone is making an effort with their partner and our parents. I haven’t got that. Just felt like a maid.

Thank you for wishing me well. Very kind x

You sound like a martyr. You didn’t have to be the person taking charge. You clearly stepped into that role by choice, don’t complain about it after! It’s also clear from your post you have high expectations around food and having a lovely meal. If you weren’t meant to be on mains then you didn’t need to step up any more than anybody else, I’m betting you offered to do it and stepped into the role so don’t then complain about something you offered to do! There is nothing more annoying than a martyr who says ‘oh don’t worry I’ll do it’ and then complains about having to do it afterwards!

I think it must be really hard after your divorce and not having someone /a partner looking out for you when you were feeling unwell. The whole thing probably really emphasised those feelings in you.

Having said that I do think you made too much work for yourself. I would be eye rolling at the homemade buns at 4am and the scrubbed house and the person feeling hard done by. It’s lovely but just extra work. I get annoyed when my husband does way more than he needs to then moans because we don’t appreciate how knackered he is- no one asked or expects it! Maybe something to think about?

But no one needed to get up a 4 on Christmas monring to make cinnamon rolls. People would have enjoyed Christmas just as much with a slice of toast and coffee. You seem to be caught up in creating an idea of theperfect Christmas by following a check list but there is no perfect Christmas and doing everything certainly ins’t the route to a good Christmas.

Getting divorced can be shite - even when the marriage wasn’t great or you know you are better off now, times like Christmas can make single life feel really isolating, even when you are surrounded by people who love you.

I think I just feel like I have no safety net - if I choose not to do something it won’t get done. But I am that net for everyone else. Seeing my sister get fussed over for being exactly as ill as I was painful.

Well we had agreed I would make breakfast and puds. Sister would do mains. IL would do cocktails.

I got up and did the cinnamon rolls as I couldn’t sleep.

I do agree. I made the work for myself. I can’t dispute that. But everyone would expect those jobs to be done. Ie a homemade breakfast and tidy home. And by default it tends to be me.

No one else would really be capable of doing it. My family is Mediterranean and the men can cook the odd dish here and there but not a full Xmas dinner.

So stop doing all this stuff, OP! Nobody will care if you "scrub the whole house", let's face it.
You are rather making yourself into a doormat. Why not change things up next year..... take yourself off to a nice, sunny beach with a stack of good books, and appreciate how lucky you are to have the freedom to do so!

I am truly sympathetic but I think you are making a mistake here. You are seeing the cooking as something you did for them and then, in your mind, they didn’t turn around and do for you. But—and I have done all the cooking in my family since age 11, now 65–they think it was a communal effort done out of love, companionably. You felt sick but in their mind you wanted to soldier on because you had more fun together than lying down being fussed over. Some people would feel that way. Your sister didn’t and her husband enjoyed fussing over her but that has nothing to do with you. Thats a pleasure of their marriage.

I think you feel unmothered as well as unloved pust divorce. My adult dds are home and I would make a huge fuss over them if they were sick. It must sting that your mother, arthritis notwithstanding, didn’t comandeer someone to look after you.

But as you are living at home everyone may have also seen you more as a host than a guest and hosts do just have to soldier on. It is also very common for visiting daughters/daughters i law to collapse over family vacations as its one of the few times they get cared for and it prevents too many demands from being made on them. Which may be why your sister took time for her cold.

Why on earth didn't you just say that you felt too unwell to cope with the cooking alone? Nobody asked you to get up at 4am to make cinnamon rolls, nor would expect you to. It's lovely that you did, but that is martyrish. You could have watched TV or read a book instead.
Your sister SAID she was feeling unwell and took herself off and asked for help- you didn't. Sometimes you need to be straightforward and not wait for people to work things out. I'm also someone who will just cope and get on with it which can lead to me doing everything and that's on me because I don't ask for help enough.
They obviously love you and care for you. Take it as a lesson learned for next year and do things differently for your own sake.